Turning on your Feelings

Sometimes in life, we shut down our feelings for various reasons. Mostly to protect them. We end up shutting everyone and everything out. We don't always do it on purpose, but I have yet to find someone who has never done that.

99% of my life is spent with my heart on my sleeves, and everyone knows exactly what I am feeling. That has mostly been a very rewarding way to live my life. Of course you have more chances of getting hurt because that makes you vulnerable, but that is a risk I haven't ever hesitated to take.

Recently, I came to the realization that I shut my feelings off. I was disconnecting from people in my life. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my previous post. The other parts I think are due to things from my past. I do everything I can to not live in the past, but sometimes it comes back to bite you in the butt. 

So, when I realized that, I made a conscious effort to let myself feel things, and be in the moment. When that happened for me, I was overwhelmed with my feelings. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I began to cry, and couldn't help it. In my experience, turning on my feelings was a good thing. It lets me be present in my life.
All my love,
Shae

A Candid Conversation

So, last night, I had a bit of a meltdown. My hubby has noticed over the last couple of weeks that I was in a funk. As we were having some pillow talk last night, all of my feelings came to a head. I feel the need to share some of what we talked about.
First, I am feeling left behind. My life has played out very differently than I ever thought it would. I thought at this point in my life that I would be in a house, and I would have at least 1 child, if not 2 or 3. I'm turning 30 this summer, and we are I'm a 1 bedroom apartment, and don't have any children. Now, understand that I am happy with where we are at right now. It feels like it's the right place for us. It doesn't change the feeling of being left behind.
Second, I yearn very much to be a mother. I personally feel like my kids are closer to being here than I believe they are, but I am anxious to meet them, and get to know them, and care for them. We are working on expanding out family, but we know that will take some time. So many of my friends have just had babies, or are pregnant, that I have begun to shy away from social media so that I am not reminded of that so often.
Lastly, that I am still having struggles from my first marriage. I still have insecurities and shortcomings from what happened in the 6 years we were together. The likelihood that I may need to start seeing a counselor is high. More and more, I am thinking there might be some PTSD from it, and need to find a way to work through it so that it doesn't effect my current marriage. 
All in all, despite these feelings that I have been having, I live a really good life, full of love and laughter. Having candid conversations are a good thing for me, because it let's me own my feelings, and find out what to do.
Thanks for letting me own my feelings on this blog.
All my love,
Shae