Money Woes

Alrighty, so let's be candid here. Everyone needs money to survive in this world.  You need a certain amount of it to buy food, get you from place to place, and take care of your basic needs, such as practical clothing. Money can be spent on the necessities, and it can be spent on the frivolities in life.

Due to some circumstances within my previous marriage, I am still carrying some debt from the marriage. I decided recently, that I need to be handling my finances more carefully.  Tonight I was going through what I spent in the last few weeks.  I was mortified at where the money went.  The saddest part of that, is that I was having to borrow money to get by with my living expenses.  I feel so ashamed looking at the numbers.

I want to pay my debts off, and I want to be better at managing my personal finances. When my marriage fell apart, I stopped looking at my finances closely.  That has gotten me into more trouble than I would have liked. I don't think I cared where it went, because I wanted to stay in one piece. I was spending the money I was making on frivolities rather than on expenses that I needed to pay on. It felt great at the time. Now, I am still having debt hang over me when I could have been putting all of that extra money towards that debt.

Sadly for me, the damage is done, and I have to live with this.  I hope and pray that I don't have to bring any of this into my new marriage, but the likelihood of that is slim to none. This isn't a fair situation for Steve. He has gotten his finances taken care of and squared away. I feel bad that I am the one keeping us from being able to buy a home and have some of those things that we so long for and desire.

I guess all I can say, is "Lesson learned Shala, now it's time to make sure it doesn't happen again."

All my love,
Shae

Deeper Than the Ocean

Lately, I have been pondering what it means to have a love " Deeper Than The Ocean." I have heard people use this phrase, and I never really understood it.

I am in awe at the fact that part of me is able to understand this phrase. I have loved deeply more than once in my life, but I have never loved as deeply as I do now with Steven. The only difference I can find is that the love is mutually deep. In most of my relationships, we have not been on equal footing in the amount in which we care for each other.  I have always been the one wanting to be in the relationship more, and was the one willing to do anything for the other person. I've not been lucky enough to truly have a partner, that wants to take care of me on the same level that I want to take care of them. 

My parents have been a wondeful example of how a healthy marriage should work. My parents are the cute couple that still hold hands when they walk everywhere, have their inside jokes, and even still call each other their boyfriend/girlfriend even though they have been married almost 33 years. I can't ever remember a time in which my dad raised his voice to my mom, or vice versa. They still had their disagreements in their marriage, but they never yelled. They would calmly talk through their struggle, and then they would be back to their normal, cute selves. I always knew my parents loved each other.  I never had a chance to question it. I am grateful every day for their example of what a deep and true love is. 

What I feel with Steven is deeper than anything I have ever experienced. I look forward to us growing together and our love growing deeper and deeper. Everything about this relationship is so completely different for me.  The way we talk is deeper, the time we spend together is quality, we support each other in every way imaginable.  I didn't know this existed out there.

So, to my parents, I want to say thank you for being an amazing example of what love can be. 

To Steve, I want to say thank you for loving me, respecting me, and being willing to even give our relationship a chance.  September is right around the corner, but it feel so far away sometimes! I am excited that you want to spend not only this life with me, but throughout all of eternity.  It is very humbling to be loved by you.

All my love,

Shae

To my Mommy,

To My Gorgeous Mommy on Mother's Day,

I want you to know how much I love you.  I am grateful everyday to be your daughter.  You have always been there for me, even when I didn't deserve it.  You have always worked so hard to help us kids have a wonderful life.  I have learned so much from you, that you probably don't even realize that I have learned.  You have taught me what it means to be a good wife, a good mother, and a good person in general.  You have one of the kindest souls I know.  You are smart, you are beautiful, and you are so funny.  I will never be able to repay you for the gift it is to be your daughter.  I know I have not made things easy on you with my decisions over the years, and the way I didn't control my emotions for a long time. (Sorry that I was your most difficult teenager...)
I especially will never be able to thank you enough for being there for me through this last year.  Thank you for letting me come home, for letting me get back on my feet, and for always being there for me on the days that I didn't want to get out of bed.  Thank you for always praying for me, because I felt your prayers on my behalf. Thank you for being there when I cried, and for always protecting me and my decisions to various people you crossed paths with.
You are, and always will be, my hero. I only hope that I can become 1/10 of the woman that you are, because that means that I am on the right track, and I am a good person.  I know that you have shared me with other "moms" that are very dear to me, but you will always be my mommy.  You will always be the person that I want to share everything with.  I am so glad that over the last 7-8 years we have been able to become better friends.  I have loved getting to know the woman that you are outside of our house.  You have touched so many lives for good, even outside of our family.  You amaze me constantly.
I only hope that when I begin to start my family, that they will have many opportunities to get to know you, to see you through my eyes, and to love you just as much as I do. I love that you will take selfies with me everywhere. You have always been my biggest fan, and my biggest cheerleader.  I wouldn't want anyone else to be my mother.
Thank you for constantly being a good example to me.  I love that I get to be part of our silly little family. Thank you for bringing me into this world, and raising me with love. You're the best mom, and I wouldn't trade you for anything in this world.

All my love,
Shala

Grace

What is Grace?

I am not referring to any woman named Grace, let's just get that out of the way.  Today, I have learned a lot about what Grace is. Grace is the intimate relationship with have with our Savior, Jesus Christ. It is how we have access to His loving Atonement, and how we are able to become more like our Savior.

I attended BYU Women's Conference today with  my mother.  We attended a total of 5 seminars. We truly have been spiritually enriched.  We laughed, we cried, and as all of this was happening, my eyes were opened to my current situation in life.

One year ago, I was miserable. I thought no one could ever love me.  I thought I was broken, damaged goods, and how could anyone love a woman who didn't even know who she was.  Over the last year, I have leaned and relied on my Savior, and began to learn who I am, and that I do love the person that I am. How was I able to make such a shift in my life in just one year?

There have been many instances in the last year that I was able to experience that taught me that I was a lovable, fun, beautiful person. Serving others through my callings and through other means has really helped me stay close to my Savior, and to get to know Him as well as myself. I made friends, and lost them, and I have really truly enjoyed the last year.  Yes, it was hard, but I had hope that I would have the future that I so longed for.

Fast Forward to today.  I now have hindsight over the last year of my life, and I know that I have a testimony of the Grace of Jesus Christ, and His Atonement, because I have done the work.  I need to do everything I can to become like the Savior before His Grace can fill in the blanks.  In a lot of Christian religions, they just believe that they can mostly, do whatever they want, and if they claim Jesus as thier Savior, Grace will do the rest.  I believe that isn't true.  I believe that we need to obey the commandments and laws of God, and do everything we can to be loving, righteous disciples, before grace can fill in the blanks.

I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be.  I have made my mistakes in life, and I have accepted my part in each and every one of them.  I have repented, I have done everything I can to be a righteous servant of the Lord, despite those things. I am now worthy to enter the temple to do His work, and to learn more of Him.

I am grateful for the grace that Heavenly Father has provided for us, because he loves us. I am sure that I still do not have a full understanding of grace, but it is getting better, and growing more. I am excited for another day of study themed around grace. I hope to glean more information, so that I can continue to have a better understanding.

I also hope that this post gives someone some insight. I am going to leave you with a song I heard today, sung by Beyond 5

All my love,

Shae