We're MARRIED!

What an adventure! Our wedding day was perfect! We have started our new adventure together, and the only word I can come up with is magical.

Steve and I both had different sets of life experiences coming into this marriage. I feel we understand how to handle each others struggles better because of what we have been through.

As we sat in the celestial room of the Salt Lake Temple on Friday,  I couldn't help but bask in the overwhelming love I felt not only from my now husband, but from my Father in Heaven, who knew what he was doing all along.
I was always supposed to be with Steven. I was always supposed to have my family with him. I was always supposed to be his partner in life, and he was supposed to be mine. We both just had to go on different adventure to lead us to each other. We both know that things will be hard on us at points in our marriage, but I know that I can always look back and remember that special feeling in that celestial room.
I am also thinking of the overwhelming moment when our sealer said that we were married, "for time, and for all eternity." Oh those magical words that I had been longing to hear for so long! I never had the opportunity to be sealed to my first husband. I am actually grateful for that now. Wanting and struggling to have an eternal marriage made that moment so tender.  I was so emotional, I could barely look at anyone else that was there to share in that moment with us. Brother Ferguson made that sealing personalized and special for us. It was exactly what we both needed to hear, and wonderful counsel and advice for our future.
I am so excited for our journey ahead. Steve is already such a wonderful partner in this adventure. It will be a joy to go through life and all of eternity with him by my side.
All my love,
Shae

I DO HARD THINGS!!!!!!

There is a saying that goes around, that says, "I can do hard things." Well, as I have gone through my divorce, and have begun my new chapter in life, I had adopted the motto, "I do hard things." I may have mentioned this previously in this blog, but I feel the need to visit this again.
It is one thing to say you can do something, but to actually do it is another matter in and of itself. Divorces are hard, facing eating disorders are hard, learning to love yourself after being hurt and abandoned is hard. This process has taught me to do hard things.
2 nights ago, I did something that was very hard for me. My ex called, and I answered the phone. Steve was there, and my mom was in the other room.  We haven't spoken since earlier this year when he paid of his portion of our debt. I had recently sent him some things that belonged to him, so I thought it was something to do with that. As I answered the phone, I asked myself "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?????? LET IT GO TO VOICEMAIL!!!!!" But, I said "Hello" instead. He had stumbled across one of my yearbooks in his things, and was wanting to know how I would like to get it back. I appreciate that he wants to get it back to me, but it would have been better to just assume to mail it to me, because that's what I did with him. I confirmed that he did in fact receive what I sent back. He asked if I could meet up with him when he gets back into town, as he works away now. The day he was getting back is my wedding day to Steve. I told him to just send it, because I was busy after that. I informed him that I would be getting married, and then briefly ended the call.

By then, my mother had come into the room, trying to figure out who I had been talking to. Steve had informed her that I was talking to my ex, and she was stunned that I had answered, and that I was being polite to him on the phone. Seeing that admiration from my mother was unexpected. I know that she is very happy that I am no longer married to my ex, and she adores Steve. I am just grateful for her and my dad always being there for me, even when I didn't deserve to have their support.
But, this is another example of me doing something hard.  Once the divorce is final, it's still not over. Thankfully, there weren't any children as a product of my first marriage, because it can be a cleaner break. I am grateful for the strength that I feel, and that I have a great support system.

My Inner Teenager

The countdown continues!  We have 10 days until the wedding!  I am very excited that I finally get to fully share a life with my wonderful fiance.
As the day gets closer, insecurities of my past keep creeping up. "What if he doesn't find me pretty with my clothes off?  What if I don't clean the apartment well enough? What if he doesn't like how I want to decorate?" A lot of these things come from my previous marriage, which is unfair to Steve. He is very different from my ex husband, so I shouldn't be going into this marriage expecting to have those same experiences.
Steve is great. He loves how I have begun to make his apartment a home. He had never done much with the place, and it is slowly becoming a home now. Paintings and pictures on the wall, a couple of accent walls painted, and most of all, a kitchen table. He is supportive, and realizes that I make a conscious effort in making sure that our home still feels like home for him.
Steve is very comfortable with me cooking and cleaning around the apartment now, where when we were first dating, he would get upset if I tried to help. We both came from homes where we were taught to clean up our own messes, so I think we will be pretty compatible in the fact that we want a clean home.
When it comes to the biggest insecurity I have, there really isn't much anyone other than myself can do. Steve and I have talked about this particular insecurity of mine, and he continually reassures me that he finds me very attractive now, and that he is sure nothing will change that opinion when my clothes come off. For me, I feel this insecurity is rooted in the teenage girl in me who was always "bigger" than her friends.  What happened, is that I developed faster than my friends, so even though I was fairly thin, I was a curvy girl, so I always thought I was fat. Looking back at those pictures, I see that I was crazy for feeling that way.  That teenage girl in me is still there, and she is very scared about sharing her body with a new person.

To my inner teenager, I have something that I need to share:
Teenage Shae,
You are a gorgeous daughter of God. He loves you, and he blessed you with a beautiful physical body. (Check your patriarchal blessing if you don't believe me.) You have nothing to fear. Steve loves you, and seeing you naked won't change that in any negative way. You sharing that part of yourself will be very special for him, and he will be nothing but kind, and loving, and respectful.  I know that people have said a lot of mean and hurtful things over the years, but know that they didn't know you. People have told you later in your life that they were jealous of your beauty, and always wanted to look more like you. Everything is gonna be alright. Listen to your Dad. He tells you, "When in doubt, trust Steve." Steve loves you in a way that no one ever really has. He would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, and you know that. When that day comes, it will be wonderful. You have nothing to fear.
All my love,
Grown Up Shae