As the day gets closer, insecurities of my past keep creeping up. "What if he doesn't find me pretty with my clothes off? What if I don't clean the apartment well enough? What if he doesn't like how I want to decorate?" A lot of these things come from my previous marriage, which is unfair to Steve. He is very different from my ex husband, so I shouldn't be going into this marriage expecting to have those same experiences.
Steve is great. He loves how I have begun to make his apartment a home. He had never done much with the place, and it is slowly becoming a home now. Paintings and pictures on the wall, a couple of accent walls painted, and most of all, a kitchen table. He is supportive, and realizes that I make a conscious effort in making sure that our home still feels like home for him.
Steve is very comfortable with me cooking and cleaning around the apartment now, where when we were first dating, he would get upset if I tried to help. We both came from homes where we were taught to clean up our own messes, so I think we will be pretty compatible in the fact that we want a clean home.
When it comes to the biggest insecurity I have, there really isn't much anyone other than myself can do. Steve and I have talked about this particular insecurity of mine, and he continually reassures me that he finds me very attractive now, and that he is sure nothing will change that opinion when my clothes come off. For me, I feel this insecurity is rooted in the teenage girl in me who was always "bigger" than her friends. What happened, is that I developed faster than my friends, so even though I was fairly thin, I was a curvy girl, so I always thought I was fat. Looking back at those pictures, I see that I was crazy for feeling that way. That teenage girl in me is still there, and she is very scared about sharing her body with a new person.
To my inner teenager, I have something that I need to share:
Teenage Shae,
You are a gorgeous daughter of God. He loves you, and he blessed you with a beautiful physical body. (Check your patriarchal blessing if you don't believe me.) You have nothing to fear. Steve loves you, and seeing you naked won't change that in any negative way. You sharing that part of yourself will be very special for him, and he will be nothing but kind, and loving, and respectful. I know that people have said a lot of mean and hurtful things over the years, but know that they didn't know you. People have told you later in your life that they were jealous of your beauty, and always wanted to look more like you. Everything is gonna be alright. Listen to your Dad. He tells you, "When in doubt, trust Steve." Steve loves you in a way that no one ever really has. He would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, and you know that. When that day comes, it will be wonderful. You have nothing to fear.
All my love,
Grown Up Shae
No comments:
Post a Comment