The Fear is Real

For those who have known me for a long time, they know a little bit about this.  It isn't something I have talked about a lot on this particular blog,but I feel it is the time in my life where I need to be talking about it again.

I have PCOS.

I was diagnosed within the first year of my first marriage, and that is a scary thing. While I was married to my first husband, I had one early term miscarriage. That's not something most people know, but I feel it is the time to share it. It was after my diagnosis. I had hope that I would still be able to get pregnant, and carry a sweet little baby in my tummy, and have that connection, and be a mommy in the traditional sense of the word.

The rest of my first marriage, there weren't any other miscarriages, and no other indications of pregnancy. I was devastated during my marriage because of it. On top of the other issues we had as a couple, we weren't getting pregnant.

I am grateful now that we didn't have children, because it let both of us get a fresh start in a new life. My sweet hubby and I talked when we were dating, and decided that we would never use birth control,or anything to prevent kids coming into our life, because we are both at a point in our lives where it is something that we want. I still love that he is ready for a family.

We are over 9 months into our marriage now, and nothing has happened. We are both anxious around the time I am supposed to start my period. Any time it goes past when I should start, I am taking a pregnancy test. Every month, we are both sad when it does start.

I am afraid that I will never get to be a mommy in the traditional sense, where I carry the baby in my tummy.  I know I will be a mommy, because my hubby and I have talked about it, and we are both ok with an adoption if we can't conceive on our own. We wouldn't love that child any less. We are just hopeful that we can make it happen on our own first.

I have an appointment set up with a doctor that specializes in PCOS in the next couple of weeks, and I am afraid of bad news. I fear that I haven't taken care of myself in the way that I should have, and that there is no hope left of me being able to do this. I'm turning 30 soon, and I do think that is playing a part in it. Most of my friends are done having children, and I still want my kids to have little friends they can play with!  Maybe that is selfish of me.

Plain and simple, I am scared. I wanted this to happen with no complications. I have this feeling in my gut that I am not going to be so lucky. Any prayers and well wishes are always welcome.

All my love,

Shae