Your Children

I need to start this blog post by thanking all of you for the love and support that you have been giving and sending me. I have gotten so many messages and texts and comments all full of love and support over the last 2 days, and I can't thank you all enough for them!  It is so nice that I am not on this journey alone.

This post is going to start with a funny story. (At least it is funny to me.) My walking buddy and I have been friends since elementary school. She is one of my dearest friends, and I feel we have gotten even closer since she had her first little girl, so I am around their family a lot. The day of my last blog post, her hubby had found a bunch of old pictures of their first born, and posted them to Facebook again. I thought it was really sweet, because he is one of those guys that likes to be tough on the outside, but once you get to know him, he's a softy. He loves his kids so much, and is constantly posting pictures of them, so for me, this was just a sweet trip down memory lane.

On our walk today, my friend mentions that she needs to apologize for her hubby. Perplexed, I asked why. She told me it was because he felt bad for posting those pictures on the same day as my results, and that he had felt really bad for a couple of days. This made me feel 2 things.

1. I am grateful that he cares about me enough to think about me and my feelings that way. He doesn't invite many people into his close circle that he cares about, so I am grateful to be one of them.

2. I was sad, because I never want someone to feel bad about loving their children, and sharing things in regards to their children.

This second point is what has led me to posting this blog post tonight. Several people lately have been feeling like they need to tiptoe around me in regards to their children, and I want to clear the air about that right now. YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY TO SHARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS!!! I never want someone to not share something because they are afraid of how it will effect me. Being around kids, and seeing pictures of your sweet little ones helps me stay motivated on my journey. It reminds me that the goal is to be a mommy, and if I need to lose weight to do that, I'm going to do it. I love children, and I always have. I like that I get to be the "bonus aunt" or the "bonus mom" to so many little ones. They are huge blessings in my life. 

You sharing things doesn't make me sad, it keeps me motivated. Please don't think that celebrating your children is ever a bother, or is going to upset me, because it really does just the opposite. I got invited to go to the park with one of my neighbors and her kids today, and I loved it. She kept apologizing for us having to move around, but I really didn't mind at all!  Her kids are sweet, and we had a great time!  I don't mind moving around!  It's good for me! Your children aren't ever and inconvenience. I like having them around. They bring me joy!

Love your children, because I love their little personalities from afar.

All my love,

Shae

The Results Are In

So, I went in and got the blood work done last Thursday to see what is going on exactly with my PCOS.  We needed to see if I was ovulating, and that is what this test was for.
I got the phone call from the office today. I am officially not ovulating. In the moment on the phone with the nurse, I was fine. I asked the follow up questions that I needed to, and hung up the phone. I was at work, and still working on a client at that time. I did great with that. I finished the haircut without getting emotional about it. I cleaned up my station after that, because it was the end of the day, chatted with a co-worker for a moment, and started to feel the swell of emotion coming on.
I went out to my car, and tried to call my husband. He was in a meeting and not able to answer. The tears started to spill over a little at that point. The next person to call, Mom. Once my mom got on the phone, my emotions began to overflow. She asked me how I was doing, and all I could say was that I felt broken. My body isn't doing something as basic as ovulating. I just felt broken. The emotions and tears continued to come out. I wrapped up the phone call with my mom, and started to drive home.
As I was driving home, I began to pray. I started by thanking my Heavenly Father for the many wonderful things that I have been blessed to have, especially my husband. I also thanked Him for giving me the knowledge of what is going on with my body. As I continued to pray, my heart ached for my kids that I know are in heaven, waiting to come down and be part of our family. I asked for the strength and courage to know what I needed to do, and to not hesitate to do it.
As I finished my prayer, my husband called, and I told him what was going on. He was immediately supportive of me, and concerned for how I was feeling and handling the situation. I got home, and took care of a couple things while I waited for his arrival.
Once he walked in the door, the first thing he did was come over, and hug me, and let me continue to cry. He reminded me that I wasn't broken, but this is just part of our journey. We haven't been married a year yet, and we could still be pregnant before we hit our 2 year anniversary at this point as long as things don't get too complicated.
So, where do I go from here you ask? Well, they want to start me on Chlomid, which is a medication to help me ovulate. This medication isn't covered by insurance, and neither are the ultrasounds that you regularly have while you are on it. We have decided it is best to spend the rest of this year focusing on lowering my weight, and getting healthier. Starting next year, we will begin this journey if I haven't started to ovulate on my own.
So for now, I just need cheerleaders, and people to help me keep healthy habits. Am I still sad? Of course. I'm sure I will still cry about this as this continues, but I know that I have my sweet hubby, that no matter what, loves me, and we can do this together!
Thanks for all of the love and support I have been receiving so far!  I hope you will continue to follow me on my weight loss journey and support me there. We will revisit this in January.
All my love,
Shae

The Last Couple of Days.

So, shortly after my last post, I lost it. I broke down, and I was not ok.  I felt like we didn't really get any answers from the doctor, and I was frustrated beyond consoling. My hubby was so sweet, and just let me cry and vent. But, I was still upset. So, I did what I always do, and I got in the car, and drove. I didn't know where I was going to drive to, but I drove.

Next thing I know. I am out in front of a friends house. As I was driving down her street, I hoped she was home, because I hadn't called, Thankfully, she was at home. I go to the door and knock. Her hubby answers the door, could tell something was wrong, and then my friend peeked around and asked me what was wrong. All I could say was, "I'm not ok." and another huge sob came on. She came out and hugged me, and proceeded to invite me in so I could talk more. After talking with her for about a half an hour, I was feeling a little better. With many thanks for disrupting her, I left, and went back home, and was just quiet for the evening as I read all of the sweet messages from friends and family from my last post.

I have to thank you all for that.  I got to sleep cuddled up next to my hubby, knowing that tomorrow would be a new day.

The next day was wonderful!  I started off the day with my friend coming by with her kids, and we went for a walk around the park just down the street. I loved having them come by! Steve was home with me most of the day, so we took it as some rest and relaxation.  We went out to lunch, and then we spent the afternoon at home. That evening, we went to dinner with my family, which was a total blast, and just what I needed. My family and I are really close, and it was nice to see them.

That evening, our neighborhood had an amazing party!  This fireworks show was LEGIT!!!  I thought I was at a professional show!  It was marvelous!  All of our neighbors are so nice, and I got to spend time talking with one of my new friends, who needed to talk just as much as I needed to talk with her. We had a lovely conversation that we both needed to have.   The only downfall to the evening were the 16 mosquito bites I got because I forgot to spray with bug spray before leaving the house. (The curse of living near the beauty of the lake.)  My hubby and I cuddled on the blanket, and watched the fireworks show together. It was bliss.

The 4th was a lovely day. My friend and her kids came again for a walk, and my hubby joined us. We have decided that we are going to make this a regular thing. (If you want to join us, just message me.)  Steve and I had already decided to stay in and watch movies. We didn't need to go and see parades or anything. We just wanted to celebrate by being together. We spent the day watching movies we had never seen, and we really enjoyed the day!  We ended our celebration with a movie out!  We went and saw Inside Out, which was fantastic! A perfect rest and relaxation day.

Today we spent the day focused on rest and relaxation once again, with our normal Sunday routine. I wouldn't trade our Sundays for anything. For me, it is a day of rest, and a day of worship. I have been a bit sad today. I have been feeling very insufficient in many areas of my life today. After a long talk with my hubby, I think I am feeling this way because either I dreamed about being that way, or I am feeling very insecure about what we are going to be taking on in our future. Either way, tomorrow is a new day, and I hope that it starts off well.

All my love,

Shae

The Process Has Begun

Ok, so the infamous visit to the doctor was this afternoon, and so I thought I would come on and share the details.

First things first, I liked this doctor. He made me feel very comfortable, and I felt comfortable asking my list of questions that I had. He was ready for the questions. Sadly, there just aren't magic answers with PCOS, which is the bummer part.

Currently, I have been told to cut down my carb intake, and to eat healthier, in the general sense of eating healthy. Protein good, fat not as good. (Hubby differs, but this is what the doc says for now.) I also need to be doing some sort of work out 6 days a week. I am definitely going to need a workout buddy, or several to make sure this happens for me!

I go back in 1 week to do the lab work to make sure that I am ovulating at all. That is the part that still has me a little nervous. If he doesn't like what he sees in the labs, then I get to go see an endocrinologist. (Sp?)  So, for now, I feel a little better, because we have a better game plan. We will no more after the labs come back.  I am expecting to hear a week from Monday, but it may be Tuesday. We will see, but I have some peace knowing that the process has started.

In the mean time, I NEED WORKOUT BUDDIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All my love,

Shae

I'm starting to lose my mind.....

Tomorrow is a big day.

Tomorrow is the day we start the journey to start our family. We are meeting with a doctor, and I am starting to get nervous. My mind is drifting to all of the negative things I might hear tomorrow. I want to be excited. I want to be hopeful. I want this to work, and for us to know what steps to take. I don't want things to go bad tomorrow. I've been waiting for 6 weeks to get into this doctor, and I just want to go and know how to move forward.

Yes, I know I will get all of those answers tomorrow, and the road probably won't be as easy as either of us would want it to be. (Hubby was cute and hopeful for a honeymoon baby, which would mean that I would be nearing delivery by now.) I'm just thinking that the road is going to be even longer and harder than I already feel it might be.

Right now I am doing what my dad would call "living in the fear zone." We had a conversation about it this last weekend after an incident had me fearful of how people would react to me. I am letting the fear control me, and it is crippling my ability to think rationally. I know that I can't stay fearful, but I don't know how to pull myself away from it.

So, I messaged my mom on Facebook. The cute lady started sending me stickers up the wazoo, and telling me that most days she feels like she is 11 years old!  I have to tell you, it put a smile on my face, and helped me think about something else for a minute.

It's show time tomorrow!  I'm going to go over my questions one more time, and then maybe I will go and take a bath.

All my love,
Shae