Being Grateful for Perspective

As I was driving home from my future home last night, I was deep in thought. I am so incredibly grateful for my life, and everyone in it at this moment. I can't imagine life being any better than it is right now, and I am grateful to get to take that journey with my closest and dearest friend, Steven.

That being said, as I was thinking about this, I also have thought a lot about the last 8 years of my life, the good and the bad parts of it. I've been through a lot, and most things that no one will ever have to deal with. Sometimes in life, things look bleak, and that you don't deserve to have a great life. Very often still, I feel like I am not worthy of the love that Steve gives me, and I think a lot of that has to do with me, nothing to do with the way he treats me.

Steve is amazing, and loving, and the missing puzzle piece to a peaceful, happy life, full of love and laugher, and geeky references! I never thought I would be so lucky to find that person. 8 years ago, I found someone who said all of the wonderful things, but didn't know how to act on them.  He's a good guy, but he has to figure out how to bridge that gap.
After 6 years together, my ex and I separated, and we divorced 9 months later. In those 9 months, I went on a journey to find out who I was as an adult woman. I thought of the things that I enjoyed that I couldn't do in my relationship with my ex, and where I wanted to be 5 years from that point.  I realized that I had stifled a lot of things that I love.  I couldn't watch certain shows or movies unless my ex was at work, because we couldn't enjoy them together, and that always made me uncomfortable around him, and like I had to walk on eggshells, and only do what he wanted in the relationship.
That being said, it is completely ok to enjoy different things in a relationship.  You don't have to do EXACTLY everything together. The joy with Steven is, we like to share our differing interests together. He tries new things, and so do I. A lot of the things we have shared together, we have enjoyed to an extent. We still have some areas where we differ, but it's ok.  We accept that. We don't badger the other person into what we want to do like I was used to in 90% of the relationships I had been in.

So, to make a long explanation and story short, I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father last night, thanking him for the perspective I have now.  Had I not gone through what I have in the last 8 years, I would not be able to appreciate the man that Steven is, and how perfectly we fit together.  It also has helped me learn how to be a better partner in a relationship, which helps me do everything I can to be a better partner for Steve. I understand much better now why I went through the hard things I have in life. It has prepared me for this wonderful life I am living. Heavenly Father really does know what he's doing, and what our timelines should look like much better than we every could.

I look forward to having Steven as my partner through this journey we call life. I am grateful for the broken road that has lead me to him.
That being said, here is the classic from Rascal Flatts, Bless the Broken Road.

All my love,
Shae

Bridal Shoot

I am in love with the photos we have seen from the Bridals! It was an awesome evening, and we had a great time! Here are some of my favorites!

Thank you to Nathan T Gross Photography for the amazing photos, and catching such tender moments for us to treasure forever!

"Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world." ~Marilyn Monroe

Really, a post about shoes? 

Let me explain.

Steve and I had our Bridal Shoot about a week and a half ago.  The night before the shoot, I am making sure that I have everything that I need. As I am looking for everything, I couldn't find 2 things, my poofy slip, and my shoes.  The slip had been missing for quite a while, but I was baffled about the shoes.

The shoes for my wedding are gorgeous!  They are part of my something blue, and they were perfect! Peep toe, floral print, comfortable, and on sale, just like I like them! Steve helped me pick them out. When I saw them, I just knew that they had to be the shoes I wore on my wedding day. Here is a picture of said shoes.

I tore my room apart looking for these shoes, as well as my little private living room area I have. I could not find them ANYWHERE!!!  I was distraught! I was even crying because I couldn't find them. My best friend and maid of honor had the same pair of shoes, so I asked her if I accidentally left them at her place. Much to my dismay, the answer was no. 

That day, I was about to become the awful Bridezilla Monster! I still couldn't find my shoes, and I didn't know what to do.  My sweet amazing Steve kept asking me how he could help.  He offered to go take me to buy a new pair.  I got to the point where I gave up trying to find them. I accepted the fact that I wouldn't have these gorgeous shoes for my bridal shoot, and that had to be ok.

So, instead of wearing these gorgeous blue shoes, I decided to wear my favorite pair of yellow heels.  Banana yellow pumps with a pointy toe.  I bought them 7.5 years ago for my brother's wedding in Brazil, and I loved them.  I figured I would keep a bit of them with me by wearing them.  

For our bridal shoot, we went up the Alpine Loop by where I live. It's a scenic drive that connects Provo Canyon to American Fork Canyon here in Utah. It is completely gorgeous! We went up the canyon about 5:30, and got some great shots. I am so pleased with how this shoot turned out. As we were hiking through meadows in my dress, my mom who was there with us pointed out that it was a blessing that I wasn't wearing the shoes I would be wearing for the wedding.  They would have gotten completely ruined, because they are satin! SHE WAS RIGHT!!  It was a blessing that I couldn't find my shoes!

To make a long story short, today, I got the impression while I was at work that I should look under my bed for my shoes when I got home.  I got home about 30 minutes ago, and my shoes were sitting there, perfectly safe and protected under my bed.  Not only do I have fun gorgeous shoes for my wedding day, but I have one more thing that will be perfect that day outside of my sealing, and it will always be a wonderful story I can share.

Sometimes, God let's us lose things so that things are perfect later. I lost my first marriage, so that I could find the man that is my perfect fit. He may not be perfect, but he is perfect for me. God knows what he's doing, and we should trust him.  I now have a visual image of this lesson for the rest of my life to share with others.

I love that I have these photos with my yellow shoes, and I love that I will have my blue shoes for my sealing day to my better half! "The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." - Thomas Merton  This picture is the best representation of how perfectly I feel like I fit with my sweet Steve. I'm not perfect, but we fit together so well, that I can be myself!

All my love,

Shae

I Don't Have to Answer!

I've had a much easier time transitioning out of my previous marriage than I thought I would.  I still have insecurities due to some of the nature of my previous marriage, but all in all, I am much more excited for my future, than afraid of facing the scary parts of my past.
This week as I have started cleaning things out again, and going through boxes to downsize things. As I was doing this,I came across something that my ex would need. I was torn about whether to call/text him to see if he still wanted it, or if he just wanted me to get rid of it for him. It bothered me for a while before I talked to anyone about it. I talked with Steve and my lawyer, and they both recommended I just mail it back, and not try to communicate directly with him. 
It took me almost a week, but I finally sent it today.  I didn't want to think about it anymore. As I have been moving on in my life,  and progressing more in my new relationship with Steve, I have come to the realization that I don't need, or even want for that matter, anything that could keep me tied to my past.
Why did it take me so long to send it? I was afraid of him trying to reach out because I sent it back. I had to come to the point where it wouldn't matter if he tried to contact me.  I don't have to answer or respond. Having that option made it possible for me to finally send it to him.
I truly wish my ex all the happiness this world has to offer. I am just ready to not have him be part of my life anymore.
I hope my readers can get something out of this. I felt the need to write about it,  because it was a win for me.

Spoiled Rotten!!!

Yesterday was my birthday,  and it is truly one of the best birthdays I have ever had! I felt loved, cherished, and that people cared.
Steven went above and beyond the call of duty to spoil me. The first present he gave me was an atom necklace. It was beautiful, unique, and geeky. I adore it! It was a very thoughtful gift!
The second present he gave me, was a Doctor Who Shower Caddy for our apartment we will be living in once we are married! (For Religious reasons, Steve and I won't live together until we are married.) He did this, because he wants me to continue to feel like the apartment is ours, not his. It is once again, something thoughtful and geeky.
He also took me to lunch, went with me to my grandma's house to help her with something real quick, (we also did that the previous weekend with my other grandma,) and then took me to dinner.
At dinner, as we are waiting for our delicious food to arrive, (thank you Longhorn Steakhouse,) he presents me with the 3rd and final gift. I open this small box to find a beautiful locket. Inside is a picture and a very sweet and personal inscription.
This 3rd gift was a dream come true. I've not shared this dream of mine until last night. I have secretly always wanted a locket, from the man of my dreams, to pass down to my children. I wanted it not only to mean something to me, but I wanted it to be special for them.
Unbeknownst to Steve, he made this dream come true, and I couldn't contain the tears. I never thought I would be able to live the life I am currently living. If I had known it could be this good, I would have done everything I could have to find him sooner.
I will never be able to thank Steve enough for the man that he is. I know that I brag about him a lot, but that is because I know how perfect he is for me.
I feel spoiled rotten. I have 2 amazing bosses, a fabulous family, an amazing future in law family,  and the man of my dreams wants to marry me. My life isn't perfect, but it is pretty dang amazing!
Thank you to everyone, especially Steve, for letting me feel so cherished and loved this birthday!
All my love,
Shae

"Make Room! I Gotta Dance!"

So, as my fiance and I are now 80 days away from our wedding, (YAY!) we are looking at the living space that we will be living in when we first get married.  We will be in the 1 bedroom apartment that Steve is currently living in.  He has been living there by himself for the last 7+ years.

Slowly, his home has started to feel like my own.  Not only because I love being with him. He has let me start to share in some of the decorating.  I have brought some of my pictures, paintings, and such items into the apartment, and he has allowed me to hang them up, even though I don't live there yet.  He had very little decor when we first started dating. I got him some paintings that suited his style for Valentine's Day this year. We are slowly starting to mesh parts of our home decor styling together.

We want to paint an accent wall in the kitchen, and we are at an impass on color.  We have narrowed it down to 2 colors, so we have decided to make it a matter of sampling. On this particular wall, is a piece of art that was hanging in my parents home for a long time.  It is faded, but I wasn't ready to part with it.
Here is a cropped version of the painting:

With the colors in the painting being so faded, I feel that something with a bit of pop brings out the remaining colors, where he thinks something more understated would let the painting shine.  We will see what the test shows. Steve says that he will choose whatever I want, but I want to honestly see which one does the painting justice, because I can't seem to find anywhere to get a big print of this original to replace the faded one.

But, the main reason for this post today, is that Steve has been cleaning out a lot of things from his place, and I have mixed feelings about it.  I love that he wants to make room for me there, and for me to feel so comfortable there.  At the same time, I still want it to feel like his home. I probably sound like a crazy woman. His opinion matters a lot to me.  I want our home to reflect us both, not just me.

From my last marriage, I have learned that finding middle ground where both people are happy is the best route. Sometimes, an agreement cannot be reached, and then you have to decide who's happiness is most important to that particular issue. My ex and I fought about things that don't matter in the long run, because we were sick of fighting about the big things. I never want to be in that situation again.  Thankfully, Steve and I have that open line of communication, where we can both say, "you can decide."  We can find middle ground on most things.  If one or the other of us is insistent about something, then the other person will see where they are coming from, and come to an agreement.

This time, I'm pretty sure I got a partner. That is all I could ever ask for.

All my love,
Shae

To My Daddy

Dearest Daddy,

I love you very much! I am so grateful to be your daughter.  I am so blessed to always have you watching out for me, wanting what is best for me, and supporting me in my decisions.  Thank you for being such a wonderful husband to Mom. It has been the best example of a wondeful loving relationship I could have ever had. I am now blessed to have a man that loves me as much as you love Mom. 
Thank you for always being there for me, whether I deserved it or not. Thank you for all of our late night talks. I know that I am not always the best daughter.  Thank you for loving me anyway,  and always trying to make me laugh. You are the best. I look forward to the day when my future children can meet you, be spoiled by you,  and have fun with you.
I love you Daddy-san! You're the best!

All my love,
Squeakerdoo