I DO HARD THINGS!!!!!!

There is a saying that goes around, that says, "I can do hard things." Well, as I have gone through my divorce, and have begun my new chapter in life, I had adopted the motto, "I do hard things." I may have mentioned this previously in this blog, but I feel the need to visit this again.
It is one thing to say you can do something, but to actually do it is another matter in and of itself. Divorces are hard, facing eating disorders are hard, learning to love yourself after being hurt and abandoned is hard. This process has taught me to do hard things.
2 nights ago, I did something that was very hard for me. My ex called, and I answered the phone. Steve was there, and my mom was in the other room.  We haven't spoken since earlier this year when he paid of his portion of our debt. I had recently sent him some things that belonged to him, so I thought it was something to do with that. As I answered the phone, I asked myself "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?????? LET IT GO TO VOICEMAIL!!!!!" But, I said "Hello" instead. He had stumbled across one of my yearbooks in his things, and was wanting to know how I would like to get it back. I appreciate that he wants to get it back to me, but it would have been better to just assume to mail it to me, because that's what I did with him. I confirmed that he did in fact receive what I sent back. He asked if I could meet up with him when he gets back into town, as he works away now. The day he was getting back is my wedding day to Steve. I told him to just send it, because I was busy after that. I informed him that I would be getting married, and then briefly ended the call.

By then, my mother had come into the room, trying to figure out who I had been talking to. Steve had informed her that I was talking to my ex, and she was stunned that I had answered, and that I was being polite to him on the phone. Seeing that admiration from my mother was unexpected. I know that she is very happy that I am no longer married to my ex, and she adores Steve. I am just grateful for her and my dad always being there for me, even when I didn't deserve to have their support.
But, this is another example of me doing something hard.  Once the divorce is final, it's still not over. Thankfully, there weren't any children as a product of my first marriage, because it can be a cleaner break. I am grateful for the strength that I feel, and that I have a great support system.

My Inner Teenager

The countdown continues!  We have 10 days until the wedding!  I am very excited that I finally get to fully share a life with my wonderful fiance.
As the day gets closer, insecurities of my past keep creeping up. "What if he doesn't find me pretty with my clothes off?  What if I don't clean the apartment well enough? What if he doesn't like how I want to decorate?" A lot of these things come from my previous marriage, which is unfair to Steve. He is very different from my ex husband, so I shouldn't be going into this marriage expecting to have those same experiences.
Steve is great. He loves how I have begun to make his apartment a home. He had never done much with the place, and it is slowly becoming a home now. Paintings and pictures on the wall, a couple of accent walls painted, and most of all, a kitchen table. He is supportive, and realizes that I make a conscious effort in making sure that our home still feels like home for him.
Steve is very comfortable with me cooking and cleaning around the apartment now, where when we were first dating, he would get upset if I tried to help. We both came from homes where we were taught to clean up our own messes, so I think we will be pretty compatible in the fact that we want a clean home.
When it comes to the biggest insecurity I have, there really isn't much anyone other than myself can do. Steve and I have talked about this particular insecurity of mine, and he continually reassures me that he finds me very attractive now, and that he is sure nothing will change that opinion when my clothes come off. For me, I feel this insecurity is rooted in the teenage girl in me who was always "bigger" than her friends.  What happened, is that I developed faster than my friends, so even though I was fairly thin, I was a curvy girl, so I always thought I was fat. Looking back at those pictures, I see that I was crazy for feeling that way.  That teenage girl in me is still there, and she is very scared about sharing her body with a new person.

To my inner teenager, I have something that I need to share:
Teenage Shae,
You are a gorgeous daughter of God. He loves you, and he blessed you with a beautiful physical body. (Check your patriarchal blessing if you don't believe me.) You have nothing to fear. Steve loves you, and seeing you naked won't change that in any negative way. You sharing that part of yourself will be very special for him, and he will be nothing but kind, and loving, and respectful.  I know that people have said a lot of mean and hurtful things over the years, but know that they didn't know you. People have told you later in your life that they were jealous of your beauty, and always wanted to look more like you. Everything is gonna be alright. Listen to your Dad. He tells you, "When in doubt, trust Steve." Steve loves you in a way that no one ever really has. He would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, and you know that. When that day comes, it will be wonderful. You have nothing to fear.
All my love,
Grown Up Shae

Being Grateful for Perspective

As I was driving home from my future home last night, I was deep in thought. I am so incredibly grateful for my life, and everyone in it at this moment. I can't imagine life being any better than it is right now, and I am grateful to get to take that journey with my closest and dearest friend, Steven.

That being said, as I was thinking about this, I also have thought a lot about the last 8 years of my life, the good and the bad parts of it. I've been through a lot, and most things that no one will ever have to deal with. Sometimes in life, things look bleak, and that you don't deserve to have a great life. Very often still, I feel like I am not worthy of the love that Steve gives me, and I think a lot of that has to do with me, nothing to do with the way he treats me.

Steve is amazing, and loving, and the missing puzzle piece to a peaceful, happy life, full of love and laugher, and geeky references! I never thought I would be so lucky to find that person. 8 years ago, I found someone who said all of the wonderful things, but didn't know how to act on them.  He's a good guy, but he has to figure out how to bridge that gap.
After 6 years together, my ex and I separated, and we divorced 9 months later. In those 9 months, I went on a journey to find out who I was as an adult woman. I thought of the things that I enjoyed that I couldn't do in my relationship with my ex, and where I wanted to be 5 years from that point.  I realized that I had stifled a lot of things that I love.  I couldn't watch certain shows or movies unless my ex was at work, because we couldn't enjoy them together, and that always made me uncomfortable around him, and like I had to walk on eggshells, and only do what he wanted in the relationship.
That being said, it is completely ok to enjoy different things in a relationship.  You don't have to do EXACTLY everything together. The joy with Steven is, we like to share our differing interests together. He tries new things, and so do I. A lot of the things we have shared together, we have enjoyed to an extent. We still have some areas where we differ, but it's ok.  We accept that. We don't badger the other person into what we want to do like I was used to in 90% of the relationships I had been in.

So, to make a long explanation and story short, I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father last night, thanking him for the perspective I have now.  Had I not gone through what I have in the last 8 years, I would not be able to appreciate the man that Steven is, and how perfectly we fit together.  It also has helped me learn how to be a better partner in a relationship, which helps me do everything I can to be a better partner for Steve. I understand much better now why I went through the hard things I have in life. It has prepared me for this wonderful life I am living. Heavenly Father really does know what he's doing, and what our timelines should look like much better than we every could.

I look forward to having Steven as my partner through this journey we call life. I am grateful for the broken road that has lead me to him.
That being said, here is the classic from Rascal Flatts, Bless the Broken Road.

All my love,
Shae

Bridal Shoot

I am in love with the photos we have seen from the Bridals! It was an awesome evening, and we had a great time! Here are some of my favorites!

Thank you to Nathan T Gross Photography for the amazing photos, and catching such tender moments for us to treasure forever!

"Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world." ~Marilyn Monroe

Really, a post about shoes? 

Let me explain.

Steve and I had our Bridal Shoot about a week and a half ago.  The night before the shoot, I am making sure that I have everything that I need. As I am looking for everything, I couldn't find 2 things, my poofy slip, and my shoes.  The slip had been missing for quite a while, but I was baffled about the shoes.

The shoes for my wedding are gorgeous!  They are part of my something blue, and they were perfect! Peep toe, floral print, comfortable, and on sale, just like I like them! Steve helped me pick them out. When I saw them, I just knew that they had to be the shoes I wore on my wedding day. Here is a picture of said shoes.

I tore my room apart looking for these shoes, as well as my little private living room area I have. I could not find them ANYWHERE!!!  I was distraught! I was even crying because I couldn't find them. My best friend and maid of honor had the same pair of shoes, so I asked her if I accidentally left them at her place. Much to my dismay, the answer was no. 

That day, I was about to become the awful Bridezilla Monster! I still couldn't find my shoes, and I didn't know what to do.  My sweet amazing Steve kept asking me how he could help.  He offered to go take me to buy a new pair.  I got to the point where I gave up trying to find them. I accepted the fact that I wouldn't have these gorgeous shoes for my bridal shoot, and that had to be ok.

So, instead of wearing these gorgeous blue shoes, I decided to wear my favorite pair of yellow heels.  Banana yellow pumps with a pointy toe.  I bought them 7.5 years ago for my brother's wedding in Brazil, and I loved them.  I figured I would keep a bit of them with me by wearing them.  

For our bridal shoot, we went up the Alpine Loop by where I live. It's a scenic drive that connects Provo Canyon to American Fork Canyon here in Utah. It is completely gorgeous! We went up the canyon about 5:30, and got some great shots. I am so pleased with how this shoot turned out. As we were hiking through meadows in my dress, my mom who was there with us pointed out that it was a blessing that I wasn't wearing the shoes I would be wearing for the wedding.  They would have gotten completely ruined, because they are satin! SHE WAS RIGHT!!  It was a blessing that I couldn't find my shoes!

To make a long story short, today, I got the impression while I was at work that I should look under my bed for my shoes when I got home.  I got home about 30 minutes ago, and my shoes were sitting there, perfectly safe and protected under my bed.  Not only do I have fun gorgeous shoes for my wedding day, but I have one more thing that will be perfect that day outside of my sealing, and it will always be a wonderful story I can share.

Sometimes, God let's us lose things so that things are perfect later. I lost my first marriage, so that I could find the man that is my perfect fit. He may not be perfect, but he is perfect for me. God knows what he's doing, and we should trust him.  I now have a visual image of this lesson for the rest of my life to share with others.

I love that I have these photos with my yellow shoes, and I love that I will have my blue shoes for my sealing day to my better half! "The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." - Thomas Merton  This picture is the best representation of how perfectly I feel like I fit with my sweet Steve. I'm not perfect, but we fit together so well, that I can be myself!

All my love,

Shae

I Don't Have to Answer!

I've had a much easier time transitioning out of my previous marriage than I thought I would.  I still have insecurities due to some of the nature of my previous marriage, but all in all, I am much more excited for my future, than afraid of facing the scary parts of my past.
This week as I have started cleaning things out again, and going through boxes to downsize things. As I was doing this,I came across something that my ex would need. I was torn about whether to call/text him to see if he still wanted it, or if he just wanted me to get rid of it for him. It bothered me for a while before I talked to anyone about it. I talked with Steve and my lawyer, and they both recommended I just mail it back, and not try to communicate directly with him. 
It took me almost a week, but I finally sent it today.  I didn't want to think about it anymore. As I have been moving on in my life,  and progressing more in my new relationship with Steve, I have come to the realization that I don't need, or even want for that matter, anything that could keep me tied to my past.
Why did it take me so long to send it? I was afraid of him trying to reach out because I sent it back. I had to come to the point where it wouldn't matter if he tried to contact me.  I don't have to answer or respond. Having that option made it possible for me to finally send it to him.
I truly wish my ex all the happiness this world has to offer. I am just ready to not have him be part of my life anymore.
I hope my readers can get something out of this. I felt the need to write about it,  because it was a win for me.

Spoiled Rotten!!!

Yesterday was my birthday,  and it is truly one of the best birthdays I have ever had! I felt loved, cherished, and that people cared.
Steven went above and beyond the call of duty to spoil me. The first present he gave me was an atom necklace. It was beautiful, unique, and geeky. I adore it! It was a very thoughtful gift!
The second present he gave me, was a Doctor Who Shower Caddy for our apartment we will be living in once we are married! (For Religious reasons, Steve and I won't live together until we are married.) He did this, because he wants me to continue to feel like the apartment is ours, not his. It is once again, something thoughtful and geeky.
He also took me to lunch, went with me to my grandma's house to help her with something real quick, (we also did that the previous weekend with my other grandma,) and then took me to dinner.
At dinner, as we are waiting for our delicious food to arrive, (thank you Longhorn Steakhouse,) he presents me with the 3rd and final gift. I open this small box to find a beautiful locket. Inside is a picture and a very sweet and personal inscription.
This 3rd gift was a dream come true. I've not shared this dream of mine until last night. I have secretly always wanted a locket, from the man of my dreams, to pass down to my children. I wanted it not only to mean something to me, but I wanted it to be special for them.
Unbeknownst to Steve, he made this dream come true, and I couldn't contain the tears. I never thought I would be able to live the life I am currently living. If I had known it could be this good, I would have done everything I could have to find him sooner.
I will never be able to thank Steve enough for the man that he is. I know that I brag about him a lot, but that is because I know how perfect he is for me.
I feel spoiled rotten. I have 2 amazing bosses, a fabulous family, an amazing future in law family,  and the man of my dreams wants to marry me. My life isn't perfect, but it is pretty dang amazing!
Thank you to everyone, especially Steve, for letting me feel so cherished and loved this birthday!
All my love,
Shae