So, I've Been Thinking.....

My husband has started to dread when I begin a topic of conversation like the title of this blog. I'm sure glad he loves me! But, let's leave that topic for another day.

I have been thinking a lot lately, and lots of things are changing in our lives. We are buying a house, we are hoping to start our family soon, and I am beginning to truly worry about my future.

In my profession of choice for the time being, retirement doesn't exist really. What am I going to do in 20-30 years when I don't want to do hair anymore and I have no retirement? Let's just face the facts and realize that I will never personally see the social security that I pay. (Don't get me wrong, I am just fine paying it, because I know I am helping someone.) Right now, I have nothing put away for any sort of retirement.

Also with my chosen profession, carpal tunnel is a real possibility. What am I going to do if I can't work for a time because of my hands?

SO MUCH THINKING!!!!

I have been highly considering becoming educated in another way to either create my retirement with a side job, maybe become a business owner? The idea of owning multiple properties isn't particularly appealing, but not completely ruled out. I've also been watching WAY too much HGTV. Interior Design is something that has always silently called to me, but has always been scary at the same time. Real Estate is something that I have also considered.

What this post is mostly about is the fact that I am worried about the future of my family, and being able to spend time with them. I also want to travel the world. So many dreams. I am at a point in my life where I can start to try to make them a reality. I just need to figure out how.

When I figure it out, I will let you know! I know I have been rambling, but I hope it makes some sense.

All my love,
Shae

The First Big Test

Relationships can feel strained for many reasons. At the core, I believe the biggest reason is respect and trust.

My husband and I are in a happy time in our lives, but with that happy time comes a different set of stresses. We are in the process of purchasing our first home! Yay! We are truly excited, and feel blessed! At the same time, we are both feeling a lot of pressure with thr upcoming increase in monthly payments and we are handling it differently. (Sadly, I'm sure that I have sprouted more than a few gray hairs to show for this process.)

My husband sees the $$$ that we are going to have to spend, and wants to halt all purchases until the dust has settled. I see some extra $$$ right now, and am trying to start purchasing some of the bigger things for the house, (furniture, paint, etc..) while we know we have the income. 

Both of us have good intentions, and want to ease the stress on the relationship in different ways. This is our first big test really of how we are going to work together as a couple. There have been heated discussions, but not blow out fights. I am so grateful we don't have blow out fights.

We both listen to the other, and respect that they feel a certain way. For now, no conclusions have been reached, but at least the information has been shared between us.
I have faith that everything will work out. Not only financially, but that my hubby and I will come out of this experience closer and stronger as a couple. There has always been respect and trust between the two of us. I believe that is why we work so well together. Wish us luck on this crazy adventure! 

All my love,
Shae

Personal Growth

Sometimes, personal growth is tough. Though when we are on the other side we appreciate it and understand it, it doesn't make it any easier. I have been pondering lately about the person I was 8 years ago when I was engaged to my first husband.
I am a completely different person now. I have grown in so many ways, and learned so many things. I love the person I am now, but I didn't love the person I was then. I thought that I just needed the love of another person, and life would magically work out. Wow! What a let down it was once I figured it out. I had to love myself before I could experience true love.
My first marriage taught me a lot about being a spouse, and knowing what I need to do to be a good spouse. The biggest thing is compromise. I am still trying to grow in this department right now. When my husband proposes a compromise, I become racked with guilt. I like to see him fully and completely happy. Knowing that he isn't is hard for me. I still have to find the middle ground.
Middle ground to me is the land where we are both happy with the decision. I am still going to try to find that. I have faith we will find it.
So, to myself 8 years ago, thank you for making the choices you did. You have grown, and learned to love yourself.
All my love,
Shae

6 months later...

I can't believe that it has been 6 months since we got married. I still feel incredibly lucky to have gotten a second chance at true love. I honestly had no idea what I was missing out on before. Every day I love this man more than I ever thought I would be capable of loving another human being. 

It's incredible to me how much we have both grown in this marriage. Partnership is an amazing journey, and I am loving every moment of it!  

We are hoping in the next year to start our family, pay off some debt, and buy a home. Thankfully, I have him by my side to accomplish these dreams we have. I couldn't have chosen a better companion for me to take on this adventure.

Yesterday, I had to call my ex about something. Part of me was super nervous to do it. I waited until Steve was home, and he sat with me as I made that phone call. It gave me all the confidence I needed to actually dial the number, instead of putting it off like I had for some time now. 

My hubby held my hand through that phone call, and I wondered why I had put it off. It wasn't that bad. I just believe that I have everything I could possibly need or want with him by my side. 

6 months later, I still know without a shadow of a doubt that I am now married to the person I was always supposed to be married to. I am just so glad he wants to be married to me! 

Love you Steve!

All my love,

Shae

Turning on your Feelings

Sometimes in life, we shut down our feelings for various reasons. Mostly to protect them. We end up shutting everyone and everything out. We don't always do it on purpose, but I have yet to find someone who has never done that.

99% of my life is spent with my heart on my sleeves, and everyone knows exactly what I am feeling. That has mostly been a very rewarding way to live my life. Of course you have more chances of getting hurt because that makes you vulnerable, but that is a risk I haven't ever hesitated to take.

Recently, I came to the realization that I shut my feelings off. I was disconnecting from people in my life. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my previous post. The other parts I think are due to things from my past. I do everything I can to not live in the past, but sometimes it comes back to bite you in the butt. 

So, when I realized that, I made a conscious effort to let myself feel things, and be in the moment. When that happened for me, I was overwhelmed with my feelings. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I began to cry, and couldn't help it. In my experience, turning on my feelings was a good thing. It lets me be present in my life.
All my love,
Shae

A Candid Conversation

So, last night, I had a bit of a meltdown. My hubby has noticed over the last couple of weeks that I was in a funk. As we were having some pillow talk last night, all of my feelings came to a head. I feel the need to share some of what we talked about.
First, I am feeling left behind. My life has played out very differently than I ever thought it would. I thought at this point in my life that I would be in a house, and I would have at least 1 child, if not 2 or 3. I'm turning 30 this summer, and we are I'm a 1 bedroom apartment, and don't have any children. Now, understand that I am happy with where we are at right now. It feels like it's the right place for us. It doesn't change the feeling of being left behind.
Second, I yearn very much to be a mother. I personally feel like my kids are closer to being here than I believe they are, but I am anxious to meet them, and get to know them, and care for them. We are working on expanding out family, but we know that will take some time. So many of my friends have just had babies, or are pregnant, that I have begun to shy away from social media so that I am not reminded of that so often.
Lastly, that I am still having struggles from my first marriage. I still have insecurities and shortcomings from what happened in the 6 years we were together. The likelihood that I may need to start seeing a counselor is high. More and more, I am thinking there might be some PTSD from it, and need to find a way to work through it so that it doesn't effect my current marriage. 
All in all, despite these feelings that I have been having, I live a really good life, full of love and laughter. Having candid conversations are a good thing for me, because it let's me own my feelings, and find out what to do.
Thanks for letting me own my feelings on this blog.
All my love,
Shae

New Year, Healthy Me

Well, I have officially become a before picture once again. I have neglected my health, and I am the heaviest I have ever been.
The fact of the matter is, I desperately want to be a mother, and have children. The sad fact is, my body isn't healthy enough to safely carry a child.
I have what they call PCOS, and one of the biggest symptoms is weight gain. Another scary thing about it, is it means it will be hard to get pregnant. With that knowledge in mind, I am once again taking control of my health. I want to safely carry babies. To do that, I've got a lot of work to do.
Saturday, I started a program called IdealShape. 2 days in, I am down 1.8 lbs. I'm not hungry, my meals are balanced, and it's so yummy! I am excited to see where this journey leads me.
For more info on IdealShape, check out their website. www.idealshape.com
All my love,
Shae