Turning on your Feelings

Sometimes in life, we shut down our feelings for various reasons. Mostly to protect them. We end up shutting everyone and everything out. We don't always do it on purpose, but I have yet to find someone who has never done that.

99% of my life is spent with my heart on my sleeves, and everyone knows exactly what I am feeling. That has mostly been a very rewarding way to live my life. Of course you have more chances of getting hurt because that makes you vulnerable, but that is a risk I haven't ever hesitated to take.

Recently, I came to the realization that I shut my feelings off. I was disconnecting from people in my life. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my previous post. The other parts I think are due to things from my past. I do everything I can to not live in the past, but sometimes it comes back to bite you in the butt. 

So, when I realized that, I made a conscious effort to let myself feel things, and be in the moment. When that happened for me, I was overwhelmed with my feelings. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I began to cry, and couldn't help it. In my experience, turning on my feelings was a good thing. It lets me be present in my life.
All my love,
Shae

A Candid Conversation

So, last night, I had a bit of a meltdown. My hubby has noticed over the last couple of weeks that I was in a funk. As we were having some pillow talk last night, all of my feelings came to a head. I feel the need to share some of what we talked about.
First, I am feeling left behind. My life has played out very differently than I ever thought it would. I thought at this point in my life that I would be in a house, and I would have at least 1 child, if not 2 or 3. I'm turning 30 this summer, and we are I'm a 1 bedroom apartment, and don't have any children. Now, understand that I am happy with where we are at right now. It feels like it's the right place for us. It doesn't change the feeling of being left behind.
Second, I yearn very much to be a mother. I personally feel like my kids are closer to being here than I believe they are, but I am anxious to meet them, and get to know them, and care for them. We are working on expanding out family, but we know that will take some time. So many of my friends have just had babies, or are pregnant, that I have begun to shy away from social media so that I am not reminded of that so often.
Lastly, that I am still having struggles from my first marriage. I still have insecurities and shortcomings from what happened in the 6 years we were together. The likelihood that I may need to start seeing a counselor is high. More and more, I am thinking there might be some PTSD from it, and need to find a way to work through it so that it doesn't effect my current marriage. 
All in all, despite these feelings that I have been having, I live a really good life, full of love and laughter. Having candid conversations are a good thing for me, because it let's me own my feelings, and find out what to do.
Thanks for letting me own my feelings on this blog.
All my love,
Shae

New Year, Healthy Me

Well, I have officially become a before picture once again. I have neglected my health, and I am the heaviest I have ever been.
The fact of the matter is, I desperately want to be a mother, and have children. The sad fact is, my body isn't healthy enough to safely carry a child.
I have what they call PCOS, and one of the biggest symptoms is weight gain. Another scary thing about it, is it means it will be hard to get pregnant. With that knowledge in mind, I am once again taking control of my health. I want to safely carry babies. To do that, I've got a lot of work to do.
Saturday, I started a program called IdealShape. 2 days in, I am down 1.8 lbs. I'm not hungry, my meals are balanced, and it's so yummy! I am excited to see where this journey leads me.
For more info on IdealShape, check out their website. www.idealshape.com
All my love,
Shae

Letter to 2014

Dear 2014,
I need to start this out by saying thank you. Thank you for being the most amazing year of my life. I have never felt more blessed or loved by my Heavenly Father than I do now. At the end of 2013, I chose a song, stating how I was going to approach 2014.  That song was "Best Day of My Life" by American Authors. Not only have I heard this song almost every day this year, I have felt this way almost every day of this year. 

Let's talk about 10 amazing things that happened this year!

1. I LEARNED WHAT I CAN HANDLE, AND WHAT I CAN'T.

I spent 9 months of this year working at a job I never thought I had the smarts for.  I worked for a law firm.  I learned so much about how this country works in this job. The amazing attorney I worked for mostly works with immigration, so I got the chance to see people get to stay in the country either for work, or because they got married.  That is a crazy long process most of the time, and I feel blessed to have met the amazing people I did in that job.  Not only the clients, but the amazing women I worked for and with. Kim, Laura, and Aubrey all taught me so much.

I also learned, that I am too tenderhearted to have people's lives in my hands like that.  One tiny mistake can mean someone can't come into or stay in the country.  I was carrying the stress of that with me everywhere.  I wasn't good at separating the stress of work from my home life. Sadly, I ended up having to say goodbye to a good job and good people. 

2. KENDRA AND TERRY FINALLY GOT MARRIED!

I am so happy for my cousin and her new hubby!  Though they have been together for coming up on 10 years this spring, they are still crazy about each other!  Just recently they announced that they are expecting their first child, and I am so excited for them!  

3. I LEARNED JUST HOW AMAZING MY FAMILY IS!

My family truly is an amazing bunch of people!  I have amazing, loving, selfless parents.  I have 2 phenomenal and protective brothers. I have a sweet lovable sister in law, and 3 of the cutest nephews on the planet! I wouldn't trade a single one of them for anything on this earth! I miss my Brazilian family all of the time. Thank heavens for modern technology. I love that I can still have a relationship with them, and to be able to see my nephews grow and do amazing and funny things. They are always there for me, no matter what. I am so blessed to have them, and to be a part of their family.

4. I GAINED A NEW FAMILY!!!!

I also love being a part of my new family. They are a great group of people, and I love getting to know each one of my new siblings. We are a big group, but there is a lot of love there. They have all learned (except one) to accept hugs from me, because they are going to get one anyway. They have welcomed me in as family, and I couldn't be more grateful. They are wonderful. I am excited to continue to get to know them as the years go by!

5. DAVE AND ARIN GOT MARRIED!

Dave is Steve's youngest brother. He and his sweetie Arin got married this June.  They are so much fun to spend time with! They live right here in the same apartment complex, and we get to see them often. I love having family close by. It's always fun to run into them, and to see them at church. We also have more inside jokes. (wa wa wa wa wa anyone? lol!)

This is my favorite picture I got to take from their wedding. He was so happy to see her! 

6. RYAN AND AMY GOT MARRIED!!!

There were quite a few weddings in my life this year!  I am so excited to have a Lewis girl in the family!  They are a perfect fit for each other! They are blessed to have found one another.  I am grateful that they got married 3 weeks before us, because we got to sit there and enjoy their sealing together. We were blessed to be there, and to feel the Spirit like we did. Congrats to them!

7. RICARDO IS FINALLY SEALED TO TY AND KIMIE!!!

I am so grateful for forever families!  This July, my nephew Ricardo went to the temple with Tyler and Kimie, and was finally sealed to my brother. It has been a long process, and we are so grateful knowing that if something were to happen to him, (Heaven forbid!) then we would always have him! I wish with all of my heart that I could have been there. I love you Ricardo! I'm glad our family gets to keep you forever!

8. I WENT ON THE BEST (AND LAST) FIRST DATE EVER!

I hadn't been so nervous for a first date in a long time, as I was on my first date with Steven. I borrowed clothes from my mom, because I didn't have the right kind of clothes for what we were going to do that didn't have holes in it. I wanted to look perfect. I knew this guy was amazing before our date.  I just wanted to make sure it ended up that way!

9. HE PROPOSED, AND I SAID YES!!!

For the complete proposal story, please see here

10. WE WERE SEALED FOR TIME AND ALL ETERNITY ON SEPT 12, 2014!

I am still so grateful every day that I have my sweet Steven by my side.  I'm sure people are sick of me saying it. Too bad I guess, because I can't stop saying it! He amazes me every day, and I love him more every day!  Thank you for helping make my year so amazing Steven! You are one of the greatest blessings I will ever receive in this life. 

So, 2014,Thank you for being so amazing to me. I hope that this is a continuing trend, and that each year following is equally as wonderful!

All my love,
Shae

Every single day I LOVE YOU more!

This last week, I picked up a wall hanging that says "Every single day I LOVE YOU more!" I didn't really know what this phrase meant until I married my best friend.
I have many people who are close to me in my life, but there are only a special few that see all of me. Steve is the person in my life that helped me realize that it is ok to be myself. Being me is a good thing. I am beautiful and intelligent. He broadens my horizons constantly, and he never gives up on me, even when I want to give up on myself.
Last night, I was upset over something, and he asked how he could help. I answered him honestly, saying "I don't know how to let you help." He told me that he didn't like that answer. He also told me that I can't let anyone else do his job. I didn't understand when he said it initially. He then said, "It's my job to make you feel things, not anyone else's job."
In that moment, I knew how loved I was by him, and that he wants me to be happy. He wants to be my partner. I've never quite experienced that. I don't think I will ever stop bragging about how lucky I got. He always will be one of the greatest blessings I have ever received. No, our life isn't perfect.  We still have things we are working through together, but I know for sure, that I don't want anyone else by my side for this journey we call life.
Today, I fell in love with my husband more.  I hope with all of my heart that it continues to deepen and I continue to fall for him all over again every day.
All my love,
Shae

Promptings

Almost a year ago, as I was visiting my family in Brazil, I felt a prompting to start writing the story of my first marriage. I spent the majority of one of the quiet days down there working on it. That night, I cried uncontrollably in the shower. I didn't understand why I was prompted to do something that put me on an emotional roller coaster. I put it off to the side, because I truly wasn't ready to go on that journey yet.
Recently, I have been getting that prompting again, that I need to write down my story. So last night, I started to write again. Steve sat by my side, encouraging me to write. As I sat and wrote, I learned that I am at a point now where I am ready to write it down. I don't have the strong emotions like I do now.
Why am I getting these promptings? I'm not sure. All I know is that I can't ignore them anymore, and that I am ready.

I know that any time that I receive a prompting in my life, there is a reason for it. Either I have something to learn from writing it down, or someone has something to learn from me writing it down. 

Whatever the reason, I am grateful for a husband that encourages me to pursue my promptings. I'm glad I get to do the same for him, and that we don't need to question why the other needs to do it. 

Time to write down my first adventure, and continue to share my new one. In doing so, I hope to inspire someone to take control of their own happiness, and know that they are worthy of living a full and happy life, no matter what they may think of themselves at the time.

All my love, 

Shae

God knows what he is doing.

It's funny how sometimes in life, we question God, and why he puts us through things in life. I know that I have had my moments where I have wondered the same thing. Why me? Why am I going through this? When will this be over for me?
It's equally funny when you get to a point in your life when you realize why you went through what you did. God knows what he is doing, and now I want to share a point in why I needed to have my first marriage.

Just before I got married a couple of weeks ago, I went and got my hair colored by my old boss. He had also been married once before he got married to his sweet wife. He refers to his first marriage as his "practice marriage."

I've been thinking about that a lot since then, and in all honesty, it's kind of true. I learned so much about what being a wife and partner is from my first marriage.  Had I not gone through what I did with my first husband, I would not know how to be a partner to Steve. I've learned a lot more about the give and take that real relationships entail. 

I've also learned that becoming and doormat to my husband is not how to be a good partner. Making sure my husband is happy is still important, but it's ok to voice my opinion. Steve has taught me to make decisions when it comes to little things. We take turns cooking dinner, picking where we are going out to dinner, etc. I never felt like I could make those kind of decisions with my first marriage, because we didn't like enough things in common. So, I thought the only way to go around that was to do what he wanted, and put my feelings aside. 

I have also learned that it's really ok to be myself, and to share when I have an insecurity with my partner.  I never felt like I could do that before. I felt like I had to be the strong, put together, provider in every way in my first marriage.  Steve doesn't let me do things alone, even though I could.  We choose every day to be together, and to be partners. It's pretty awesome, for lack of more eloquence.

I know now, that God always meant for me to be with Steven. I just had some things to learn before I was ready for this kind of a relationship. 

Trust him. It will always work out. To enjoy a "beautiful life" you need to be yourself, and trust that God knows what he's doing.

All my love,

Shae