Every single day I LOVE YOU more!

This last week, I picked up a wall hanging that says "Every single day I LOVE YOU more!" I didn't really know what this phrase meant until I married my best friend.
I have many people who are close to me in my life, but there are only a special few that see all of me. Steve is the person in my life that helped me realize that it is ok to be myself. Being me is a good thing. I am beautiful and intelligent. He broadens my horizons constantly, and he never gives up on me, even when I want to give up on myself.
Last night, I was upset over something, and he asked how he could help. I answered him honestly, saying "I don't know how to let you help." He told me that he didn't like that answer. He also told me that I can't let anyone else do his job. I didn't understand when he said it initially. He then said, "It's my job to make you feel things, not anyone else's job."
In that moment, I knew how loved I was by him, and that he wants me to be happy. He wants to be my partner. I've never quite experienced that. I don't think I will ever stop bragging about how lucky I got. He always will be one of the greatest blessings I have ever received. No, our life isn't perfect.  We still have things we are working through together, but I know for sure, that I don't want anyone else by my side for this journey we call life.
Today, I fell in love with my husband more.  I hope with all of my heart that it continues to deepen and I continue to fall for him all over again every day.
All my love,
Shae

Promptings

Almost a year ago, as I was visiting my family in Brazil, I felt a prompting to start writing the story of my first marriage. I spent the majority of one of the quiet days down there working on it. That night, I cried uncontrollably in the shower. I didn't understand why I was prompted to do something that put me on an emotional roller coaster. I put it off to the side, because I truly wasn't ready to go on that journey yet.
Recently, I have been getting that prompting again, that I need to write down my story. So last night, I started to write again. Steve sat by my side, encouraging me to write. As I sat and wrote, I learned that I am at a point now where I am ready to write it down. I don't have the strong emotions like I do now.
Why am I getting these promptings? I'm not sure. All I know is that I can't ignore them anymore, and that I am ready.

I know that any time that I receive a prompting in my life, there is a reason for it. Either I have something to learn from writing it down, or someone has something to learn from me writing it down. 

Whatever the reason, I am grateful for a husband that encourages me to pursue my promptings. I'm glad I get to do the same for him, and that we don't need to question why the other needs to do it. 

Time to write down my first adventure, and continue to share my new one. In doing so, I hope to inspire someone to take control of their own happiness, and know that they are worthy of living a full and happy life, no matter what they may think of themselves at the time.

All my love, 

Shae

God knows what he is doing.

It's funny how sometimes in life, we question God, and why he puts us through things in life. I know that I have had my moments where I have wondered the same thing. Why me? Why am I going through this? When will this be over for me?
It's equally funny when you get to a point in your life when you realize why you went through what you did. God knows what he is doing, and now I want to share a point in why I needed to have my first marriage.

Just before I got married a couple of weeks ago, I went and got my hair colored by my old boss. He had also been married once before he got married to his sweet wife. He refers to his first marriage as his "practice marriage."

I've been thinking about that a lot since then, and in all honesty, it's kind of true. I learned so much about what being a wife and partner is from my first marriage.  Had I not gone through what I did with my first husband, I would not know how to be a partner to Steve. I've learned a lot more about the give and take that real relationships entail. 

I've also learned that becoming and doormat to my husband is not how to be a good partner. Making sure my husband is happy is still important, but it's ok to voice my opinion. Steve has taught me to make decisions when it comes to little things. We take turns cooking dinner, picking where we are going out to dinner, etc. I never felt like I could make those kind of decisions with my first marriage, because we didn't like enough things in common. So, I thought the only way to go around that was to do what he wanted, and put my feelings aside. 

I have also learned that it's really ok to be myself, and to share when I have an insecurity with my partner.  I never felt like I could do that before. I felt like I had to be the strong, put together, provider in every way in my first marriage.  Steve doesn't let me do things alone, even though I could.  We choose every day to be together, and to be partners. It's pretty awesome, for lack of more eloquence.

I know now, that God always meant for me to be with Steven. I just had some things to learn before I was ready for this kind of a relationship. 

Trust him. It will always work out. To enjoy a "beautiful life" you need to be yourself, and trust that God knows what he's doing.

All my love,

Shae

We're MARRIED!

What an adventure! Our wedding day was perfect! We have started our new adventure together, and the only word I can come up with is magical.

Steve and I both had different sets of life experiences coming into this marriage. I feel we understand how to handle each others struggles better because of what we have been through.

As we sat in the celestial room of the Salt Lake Temple on Friday,  I couldn't help but bask in the overwhelming love I felt not only from my now husband, but from my Father in Heaven, who knew what he was doing all along.
I was always supposed to be with Steven. I was always supposed to have my family with him. I was always supposed to be his partner in life, and he was supposed to be mine. We both just had to go on different adventure to lead us to each other. We both know that things will be hard on us at points in our marriage, but I know that I can always look back and remember that special feeling in that celestial room.
I am also thinking of the overwhelming moment when our sealer said that we were married, "for time, and for all eternity." Oh those magical words that I had been longing to hear for so long! I never had the opportunity to be sealed to my first husband. I am actually grateful for that now. Wanting and struggling to have an eternal marriage made that moment so tender.  I was so emotional, I could barely look at anyone else that was there to share in that moment with us. Brother Ferguson made that sealing personalized and special for us. It was exactly what we both needed to hear, and wonderful counsel and advice for our future.
I am so excited for our journey ahead. Steve is already such a wonderful partner in this adventure. It will be a joy to go through life and all of eternity with him by my side.
All my love,
Shae

I DO HARD THINGS!!!!!!

There is a saying that goes around, that says, "I can do hard things." Well, as I have gone through my divorce, and have begun my new chapter in life, I had adopted the motto, "I do hard things." I may have mentioned this previously in this blog, but I feel the need to visit this again.
It is one thing to say you can do something, but to actually do it is another matter in and of itself. Divorces are hard, facing eating disorders are hard, learning to love yourself after being hurt and abandoned is hard. This process has taught me to do hard things.
2 nights ago, I did something that was very hard for me. My ex called, and I answered the phone. Steve was there, and my mom was in the other room.  We haven't spoken since earlier this year when he paid of his portion of our debt. I had recently sent him some things that belonged to him, so I thought it was something to do with that. As I answered the phone, I asked myself "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?????? LET IT GO TO VOICEMAIL!!!!!" But, I said "Hello" instead. He had stumbled across one of my yearbooks in his things, and was wanting to know how I would like to get it back. I appreciate that he wants to get it back to me, but it would have been better to just assume to mail it to me, because that's what I did with him. I confirmed that he did in fact receive what I sent back. He asked if I could meet up with him when he gets back into town, as he works away now. The day he was getting back is my wedding day to Steve. I told him to just send it, because I was busy after that. I informed him that I would be getting married, and then briefly ended the call.

By then, my mother had come into the room, trying to figure out who I had been talking to. Steve had informed her that I was talking to my ex, and she was stunned that I had answered, and that I was being polite to him on the phone. Seeing that admiration from my mother was unexpected. I know that she is very happy that I am no longer married to my ex, and she adores Steve. I am just grateful for her and my dad always being there for me, even when I didn't deserve to have their support.
But, this is another example of me doing something hard.  Once the divorce is final, it's still not over. Thankfully, there weren't any children as a product of my first marriage, because it can be a cleaner break. I am grateful for the strength that I feel, and that I have a great support system.

My Inner Teenager

The countdown continues!  We have 10 days until the wedding!  I am very excited that I finally get to fully share a life with my wonderful fiance.
As the day gets closer, insecurities of my past keep creeping up. "What if he doesn't find me pretty with my clothes off?  What if I don't clean the apartment well enough? What if he doesn't like how I want to decorate?" A lot of these things come from my previous marriage, which is unfair to Steve. He is very different from my ex husband, so I shouldn't be going into this marriage expecting to have those same experiences.
Steve is great. He loves how I have begun to make his apartment a home. He had never done much with the place, and it is slowly becoming a home now. Paintings and pictures on the wall, a couple of accent walls painted, and most of all, a kitchen table. He is supportive, and realizes that I make a conscious effort in making sure that our home still feels like home for him.
Steve is very comfortable with me cooking and cleaning around the apartment now, where when we were first dating, he would get upset if I tried to help. We both came from homes where we were taught to clean up our own messes, so I think we will be pretty compatible in the fact that we want a clean home.
When it comes to the biggest insecurity I have, there really isn't much anyone other than myself can do. Steve and I have talked about this particular insecurity of mine, and he continually reassures me that he finds me very attractive now, and that he is sure nothing will change that opinion when my clothes come off. For me, I feel this insecurity is rooted in the teenage girl in me who was always "bigger" than her friends.  What happened, is that I developed faster than my friends, so even though I was fairly thin, I was a curvy girl, so I always thought I was fat. Looking back at those pictures, I see that I was crazy for feeling that way.  That teenage girl in me is still there, and she is very scared about sharing her body with a new person.

To my inner teenager, I have something that I need to share:
Teenage Shae,
You are a gorgeous daughter of God. He loves you, and he blessed you with a beautiful physical body. (Check your patriarchal blessing if you don't believe me.) You have nothing to fear. Steve loves you, and seeing you naked won't change that in any negative way. You sharing that part of yourself will be very special for him, and he will be nothing but kind, and loving, and respectful.  I know that people have said a lot of mean and hurtful things over the years, but know that they didn't know you. People have told you later in your life that they were jealous of your beauty, and always wanted to look more like you. Everything is gonna be alright. Listen to your Dad. He tells you, "When in doubt, trust Steve." Steve loves you in a way that no one ever really has. He would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, and you know that. When that day comes, it will be wonderful. You have nothing to fear.
All my love,
Grown Up Shae

Being Grateful for Perspective

As I was driving home from my future home last night, I was deep in thought. I am so incredibly grateful for my life, and everyone in it at this moment. I can't imagine life being any better than it is right now, and I am grateful to get to take that journey with my closest and dearest friend, Steven.

That being said, as I was thinking about this, I also have thought a lot about the last 8 years of my life, the good and the bad parts of it. I've been through a lot, and most things that no one will ever have to deal with. Sometimes in life, things look bleak, and that you don't deserve to have a great life. Very often still, I feel like I am not worthy of the love that Steve gives me, and I think a lot of that has to do with me, nothing to do with the way he treats me.

Steve is amazing, and loving, and the missing puzzle piece to a peaceful, happy life, full of love and laugher, and geeky references! I never thought I would be so lucky to find that person. 8 years ago, I found someone who said all of the wonderful things, but didn't know how to act on them.  He's a good guy, but he has to figure out how to bridge that gap.
After 6 years together, my ex and I separated, and we divorced 9 months later. In those 9 months, I went on a journey to find out who I was as an adult woman. I thought of the things that I enjoyed that I couldn't do in my relationship with my ex, and where I wanted to be 5 years from that point.  I realized that I had stifled a lot of things that I love.  I couldn't watch certain shows or movies unless my ex was at work, because we couldn't enjoy them together, and that always made me uncomfortable around him, and like I had to walk on eggshells, and only do what he wanted in the relationship.
That being said, it is completely ok to enjoy different things in a relationship.  You don't have to do EXACTLY everything together. The joy with Steven is, we like to share our differing interests together. He tries new things, and so do I. A lot of the things we have shared together, we have enjoyed to an extent. We still have some areas where we differ, but it's ok.  We accept that. We don't badger the other person into what we want to do like I was used to in 90% of the relationships I had been in.

So, to make a long explanation and story short, I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father last night, thanking him for the perspective I have now.  Had I not gone through what I have in the last 8 years, I would not be able to appreciate the man that Steven is, and how perfectly we fit together.  It also has helped me learn how to be a better partner in a relationship, which helps me do everything I can to be a better partner for Steve. I understand much better now why I went through the hard things I have in life. It has prepared me for this wonderful life I am living. Heavenly Father really does know what he's doing, and what our timelines should look like much better than we every could.

I look forward to having Steven as my partner through this journey we call life. I am grateful for the broken road that has lead me to him.
That being said, here is the classic from Rascal Flatts, Bless the Broken Road.

All my love,
Shae