Letter to 2014

Dear 2014,
I need to start this out by saying thank you. Thank you for being the most amazing year of my life. I have never felt more blessed or loved by my Heavenly Father than I do now. At the end of 2013, I chose a song, stating how I was going to approach 2014.  That song was "Best Day of My Life" by American Authors. Not only have I heard this song almost every day this year, I have felt this way almost every day of this year. 

Let's talk about 10 amazing things that happened this year!

1. I LEARNED WHAT I CAN HANDLE, AND WHAT I CAN'T.

I spent 9 months of this year working at a job I never thought I had the smarts for.  I worked for a law firm.  I learned so much about how this country works in this job. The amazing attorney I worked for mostly works with immigration, so I got the chance to see people get to stay in the country either for work, or because they got married.  That is a crazy long process most of the time, and I feel blessed to have met the amazing people I did in that job.  Not only the clients, but the amazing women I worked for and with. Kim, Laura, and Aubrey all taught me so much.

I also learned, that I am too tenderhearted to have people's lives in my hands like that.  One tiny mistake can mean someone can't come into or stay in the country.  I was carrying the stress of that with me everywhere.  I wasn't good at separating the stress of work from my home life. Sadly, I ended up having to say goodbye to a good job and good people. 

2. KENDRA AND TERRY FINALLY GOT MARRIED!

I am so happy for my cousin and her new hubby!  Though they have been together for coming up on 10 years this spring, they are still crazy about each other!  Just recently they announced that they are expecting their first child, and I am so excited for them!  

3. I LEARNED JUST HOW AMAZING MY FAMILY IS!

My family truly is an amazing bunch of people!  I have amazing, loving, selfless parents.  I have 2 phenomenal and protective brothers. I have a sweet lovable sister in law, and 3 of the cutest nephews on the planet! I wouldn't trade a single one of them for anything on this earth! I miss my Brazilian family all of the time. Thank heavens for modern technology. I love that I can still have a relationship with them, and to be able to see my nephews grow and do amazing and funny things. They are always there for me, no matter what. I am so blessed to have them, and to be a part of their family.

4. I GAINED A NEW FAMILY!!!!

I also love being a part of my new family. They are a great group of people, and I love getting to know each one of my new siblings. We are a big group, but there is a lot of love there. They have all learned (except one) to accept hugs from me, because they are going to get one anyway. They have welcomed me in as family, and I couldn't be more grateful. They are wonderful. I am excited to continue to get to know them as the years go by!

5. DAVE AND ARIN GOT MARRIED!

Dave is Steve's youngest brother. He and his sweetie Arin got married this June.  They are so much fun to spend time with! They live right here in the same apartment complex, and we get to see them often. I love having family close by. It's always fun to run into them, and to see them at church. We also have more inside jokes. (wa wa wa wa wa anyone? lol!)

This is my favorite picture I got to take from their wedding. He was so happy to see her! 

6. RYAN AND AMY GOT MARRIED!!!

There were quite a few weddings in my life this year!  I am so excited to have a Lewis girl in the family!  They are a perfect fit for each other! They are blessed to have found one another.  I am grateful that they got married 3 weeks before us, because we got to sit there and enjoy their sealing together. We were blessed to be there, and to feel the Spirit like we did. Congrats to them!

7. RICARDO IS FINALLY SEALED TO TY AND KIMIE!!!

I am so grateful for forever families!  This July, my nephew Ricardo went to the temple with Tyler and Kimie, and was finally sealed to my brother. It has been a long process, and we are so grateful knowing that if something were to happen to him, (Heaven forbid!) then we would always have him! I wish with all of my heart that I could have been there. I love you Ricardo! I'm glad our family gets to keep you forever!

8. I WENT ON THE BEST (AND LAST) FIRST DATE EVER!

I hadn't been so nervous for a first date in a long time, as I was on my first date with Steven. I borrowed clothes from my mom, because I didn't have the right kind of clothes for what we were going to do that didn't have holes in it. I wanted to look perfect. I knew this guy was amazing before our date.  I just wanted to make sure it ended up that way!

9. HE PROPOSED, AND I SAID YES!!!

For the complete proposal story, please see here

10. WE WERE SEALED FOR TIME AND ALL ETERNITY ON SEPT 12, 2014!

I am still so grateful every day that I have my sweet Steven by my side.  I'm sure people are sick of me saying it. Too bad I guess, because I can't stop saying it! He amazes me every day, and I love him more every day!  Thank you for helping make my year so amazing Steven! You are one of the greatest blessings I will ever receive in this life. 

So, 2014,Thank you for being so amazing to me. I hope that this is a continuing trend, and that each year following is equally as wonderful!

All my love,
Shae

Every single day I LOVE YOU more!

This last week, I picked up a wall hanging that says "Every single day I LOVE YOU more!" I didn't really know what this phrase meant until I married my best friend.
I have many people who are close to me in my life, but there are only a special few that see all of me. Steve is the person in my life that helped me realize that it is ok to be myself. Being me is a good thing. I am beautiful and intelligent. He broadens my horizons constantly, and he never gives up on me, even when I want to give up on myself.
Last night, I was upset over something, and he asked how he could help. I answered him honestly, saying "I don't know how to let you help." He told me that he didn't like that answer. He also told me that I can't let anyone else do his job. I didn't understand when he said it initially. He then said, "It's my job to make you feel things, not anyone else's job."
In that moment, I knew how loved I was by him, and that he wants me to be happy. He wants to be my partner. I've never quite experienced that. I don't think I will ever stop bragging about how lucky I got. He always will be one of the greatest blessings I have ever received. No, our life isn't perfect.  We still have things we are working through together, but I know for sure, that I don't want anyone else by my side for this journey we call life.
Today, I fell in love with my husband more.  I hope with all of my heart that it continues to deepen and I continue to fall for him all over again every day.
All my love,
Shae

Promptings

Almost a year ago, as I was visiting my family in Brazil, I felt a prompting to start writing the story of my first marriage. I spent the majority of one of the quiet days down there working on it. That night, I cried uncontrollably in the shower. I didn't understand why I was prompted to do something that put me on an emotional roller coaster. I put it off to the side, because I truly wasn't ready to go on that journey yet.
Recently, I have been getting that prompting again, that I need to write down my story. So last night, I started to write again. Steve sat by my side, encouraging me to write. As I sat and wrote, I learned that I am at a point now where I am ready to write it down. I don't have the strong emotions like I do now.
Why am I getting these promptings? I'm not sure. All I know is that I can't ignore them anymore, and that I am ready.

I know that any time that I receive a prompting in my life, there is a reason for it. Either I have something to learn from writing it down, or someone has something to learn from me writing it down. 

Whatever the reason, I am grateful for a husband that encourages me to pursue my promptings. I'm glad I get to do the same for him, and that we don't need to question why the other needs to do it. 

Time to write down my first adventure, and continue to share my new one. In doing so, I hope to inspire someone to take control of their own happiness, and know that they are worthy of living a full and happy life, no matter what they may think of themselves at the time.

All my love, 

Shae

God knows what he is doing.

It's funny how sometimes in life, we question God, and why he puts us through things in life. I know that I have had my moments where I have wondered the same thing. Why me? Why am I going through this? When will this be over for me?
It's equally funny when you get to a point in your life when you realize why you went through what you did. God knows what he is doing, and now I want to share a point in why I needed to have my first marriage.

Just before I got married a couple of weeks ago, I went and got my hair colored by my old boss. He had also been married once before he got married to his sweet wife. He refers to his first marriage as his "practice marriage."

I've been thinking about that a lot since then, and in all honesty, it's kind of true. I learned so much about what being a wife and partner is from my first marriage.  Had I not gone through what I did with my first husband, I would not know how to be a partner to Steve. I've learned a lot more about the give and take that real relationships entail. 

I've also learned that becoming and doormat to my husband is not how to be a good partner. Making sure my husband is happy is still important, but it's ok to voice my opinion. Steve has taught me to make decisions when it comes to little things. We take turns cooking dinner, picking where we are going out to dinner, etc. I never felt like I could make those kind of decisions with my first marriage, because we didn't like enough things in common. So, I thought the only way to go around that was to do what he wanted, and put my feelings aside. 

I have also learned that it's really ok to be myself, and to share when I have an insecurity with my partner.  I never felt like I could do that before. I felt like I had to be the strong, put together, provider in every way in my first marriage.  Steve doesn't let me do things alone, even though I could.  We choose every day to be together, and to be partners. It's pretty awesome, for lack of more eloquence.

I know now, that God always meant for me to be with Steven. I just had some things to learn before I was ready for this kind of a relationship. 

Trust him. It will always work out. To enjoy a "beautiful life" you need to be yourself, and trust that God knows what he's doing.

All my love,

Shae

We're MARRIED!

What an adventure! Our wedding day was perfect! We have started our new adventure together, and the only word I can come up with is magical.

Steve and I both had different sets of life experiences coming into this marriage. I feel we understand how to handle each others struggles better because of what we have been through.

As we sat in the celestial room of the Salt Lake Temple on Friday,  I couldn't help but bask in the overwhelming love I felt not only from my now husband, but from my Father in Heaven, who knew what he was doing all along.
I was always supposed to be with Steven. I was always supposed to have my family with him. I was always supposed to be his partner in life, and he was supposed to be mine. We both just had to go on different adventure to lead us to each other. We both know that things will be hard on us at points in our marriage, but I know that I can always look back and remember that special feeling in that celestial room.
I am also thinking of the overwhelming moment when our sealer said that we were married, "for time, and for all eternity." Oh those magical words that I had been longing to hear for so long! I never had the opportunity to be sealed to my first husband. I am actually grateful for that now. Wanting and struggling to have an eternal marriage made that moment so tender.  I was so emotional, I could barely look at anyone else that was there to share in that moment with us. Brother Ferguson made that sealing personalized and special for us. It was exactly what we both needed to hear, and wonderful counsel and advice for our future.
I am so excited for our journey ahead. Steve is already such a wonderful partner in this adventure. It will be a joy to go through life and all of eternity with him by my side.
All my love,
Shae

I DO HARD THINGS!!!!!!

There is a saying that goes around, that says, "I can do hard things." Well, as I have gone through my divorce, and have begun my new chapter in life, I had adopted the motto, "I do hard things." I may have mentioned this previously in this blog, but I feel the need to visit this again.
It is one thing to say you can do something, but to actually do it is another matter in and of itself. Divorces are hard, facing eating disorders are hard, learning to love yourself after being hurt and abandoned is hard. This process has taught me to do hard things.
2 nights ago, I did something that was very hard for me. My ex called, and I answered the phone. Steve was there, and my mom was in the other room.  We haven't spoken since earlier this year when he paid of his portion of our debt. I had recently sent him some things that belonged to him, so I thought it was something to do with that. As I answered the phone, I asked myself "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?????? LET IT GO TO VOICEMAIL!!!!!" But, I said "Hello" instead. He had stumbled across one of my yearbooks in his things, and was wanting to know how I would like to get it back. I appreciate that he wants to get it back to me, but it would have been better to just assume to mail it to me, because that's what I did with him. I confirmed that he did in fact receive what I sent back. He asked if I could meet up with him when he gets back into town, as he works away now. The day he was getting back is my wedding day to Steve. I told him to just send it, because I was busy after that. I informed him that I would be getting married, and then briefly ended the call.

By then, my mother had come into the room, trying to figure out who I had been talking to. Steve had informed her that I was talking to my ex, and she was stunned that I had answered, and that I was being polite to him on the phone. Seeing that admiration from my mother was unexpected. I know that she is very happy that I am no longer married to my ex, and she adores Steve. I am just grateful for her and my dad always being there for me, even when I didn't deserve to have their support.
But, this is another example of me doing something hard.  Once the divorce is final, it's still not over. Thankfully, there weren't any children as a product of my first marriage, because it can be a cleaner break. I am grateful for the strength that I feel, and that I have a great support system.

My Inner Teenager

The countdown continues!  We have 10 days until the wedding!  I am very excited that I finally get to fully share a life with my wonderful fiance.
As the day gets closer, insecurities of my past keep creeping up. "What if he doesn't find me pretty with my clothes off?  What if I don't clean the apartment well enough? What if he doesn't like how I want to decorate?" A lot of these things come from my previous marriage, which is unfair to Steve. He is very different from my ex husband, so I shouldn't be going into this marriage expecting to have those same experiences.
Steve is great. He loves how I have begun to make his apartment a home. He had never done much with the place, and it is slowly becoming a home now. Paintings and pictures on the wall, a couple of accent walls painted, and most of all, a kitchen table. He is supportive, and realizes that I make a conscious effort in making sure that our home still feels like home for him.
Steve is very comfortable with me cooking and cleaning around the apartment now, where when we were first dating, he would get upset if I tried to help. We both came from homes where we were taught to clean up our own messes, so I think we will be pretty compatible in the fact that we want a clean home.
When it comes to the biggest insecurity I have, there really isn't much anyone other than myself can do. Steve and I have talked about this particular insecurity of mine, and he continually reassures me that he finds me very attractive now, and that he is sure nothing will change that opinion when my clothes come off. For me, I feel this insecurity is rooted in the teenage girl in me who was always "bigger" than her friends.  What happened, is that I developed faster than my friends, so even though I was fairly thin, I was a curvy girl, so I always thought I was fat. Looking back at those pictures, I see that I was crazy for feeling that way.  That teenage girl in me is still there, and she is very scared about sharing her body with a new person.

To my inner teenager, I have something that I need to share:
Teenage Shae,
You are a gorgeous daughter of God. He loves you, and he blessed you with a beautiful physical body. (Check your patriarchal blessing if you don't believe me.) You have nothing to fear. Steve loves you, and seeing you naked won't change that in any negative way. You sharing that part of yourself will be very special for him, and he will be nothing but kind, and loving, and respectful.  I know that people have said a lot of mean and hurtful things over the years, but know that they didn't know you. People have told you later in your life that they were jealous of your beauty, and always wanted to look more like you. Everything is gonna be alright. Listen to your Dad. He tells you, "When in doubt, trust Steve." Steve loves you in a way that no one ever really has. He would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, and you know that. When that day comes, it will be wonderful. You have nothing to fear.
All my love,
Grown Up Shae

Being Grateful for Perspective

As I was driving home from my future home last night, I was deep in thought. I am so incredibly grateful for my life, and everyone in it at this moment. I can't imagine life being any better than it is right now, and I am grateful to get to take that journey with my closest and dearest friend, Steven.

That being said, as I was thinking about this, I also have thought a lot about the last 8 years of my life, the good and the bad parts of it. I've been through a lot, and most things that no one will ever have to deal with. Sometimes in life, things look bleak, and that you don't deserve to have a great life. Very often still, I feel like I am not worthy of the love that Steve gives me, and I think a lot of that has to do with me, nothing to do with the way he treats me.

Steve is amazing, and loving, and the missing puzzle piece to a peaceful, happy life, full of love and laugher, and geeky references! I never thought I would be so lucky to find that person. 8 years ago, I found someone who said all of the wonderful things, but didn't know how to act on them.  He's a good guy, but he has to figure out how to bridge that gap.
After 6 years together, my ex and I separated, and we divorced 9 months later. In those 9 months, I went on a journey to find out who I was as an adult woman. I thought of the things that I enjoyed that I couldn't do in my relationship with my ex, and where I wanted to be 5 years from that point.  I realized that I had stifled a lot of things that I love.  I couldn't watch certain shows or movies unless my ex was at work, because we couldn't enjoy them together, and that always made me uncomfortable around him, and like I had to walk on eggshells, and only do what he wanted in the relationship.
That being said, it is completely ok to enjoy different things in a relationship.  You don't have to do EXACTLY everything together. The joy with Steven is, we like to share our differing interests together. He tries new things, and so do I. A lot of the things we have shared together, we have enjoyed to an extent. We still have some areas where we differ, but it's ok.  We accept that. We don't badger the other person into what we want to do like I was used to in 90% of the relationships I had been in.

So, to make a long explanation and story short, I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father last night, thanking him for the perspective I have now.  Had I not gone through what I have in the last 8 years, I would not be able to appreciate the man that Steven is, and how perfectly we fit together.  It also has helped me learn how to be a better partner in a relationship, which helps me do everything I can to be a better partner for Steve. I understand much better now why I went through the hard things I have in life. It has prepared me for this wonderful life I am living. Heavenly Father really does know what he's doing, and what our timelines should look like much better than we every could.

I look forward to having Steven as my partner through this journey we call life. I am grateful for the broken road that has lead me to him.
That being said, here is the classic from Rascal Flatts, Bless the Broken Road.

All my love,
Shae

Bridal Shoot

I am in love with the photos we have seen from the Bridals! It was an awesome evening, and we had a great time! Here are some of my favorites!

Thank you to Nathan T Gross Photography for the amazing photos, and catching such tender moments for us to treasure forever!

"Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world." ~Marilyn Monroe

Really, a post about shoes? 

Let me explain.

Steve and I had our Bridal Shoot about a week and a half ago.  The night before the shoot, I am making sure that I have everything that I need. As I am looking for everything, I couldn't find 2 things, my poofy slip, and my shoes.  The slip had been missing for quite a while, but I was baffled about the shoes.

The shoes for my wedding are gorgeous!  They are part of my something blue, and they were perfect! Peep toe, floral print, comfortable, and on sale, just like I like them! Steve helped me pick them out. When I saw them, I just knew that they had to be the shoes I wore on my wedding day. Here is a picture of said shoes.

I tore my room apart looking for these shoes, as well as my little private living room area I have. I could not find them ANYWHERE!!!  I was distraught! I was even crying because I couldn't find them. My best friend and maid of honor had the same pair of shoes, so I asked her if I accidentally left them at her place. Much to my dismay, the answer was no. 

That day, I was about to become the awful Bridezilla Monster! I still couldn't find my shoes, and I didn't know what to do.  My sweet amazing Steve kept asking me how he could help.  He offered to go take me to buy a new pair.  I got to the point where I gave up trying to find them. I accepted the fact that I wouldn't have these gorgeous shoes for my bridal shoot, and that had to be ok.

So, instead of wearing these gorgeous blue shoes, I decided to wear my favorite pair of yellow heels.  Banana yellow pumps with a pointy toe.  I bought them 7.5 years ago for my brother's wedding in Brazil, and I loved them.  I figured I would keep a bit of them with me by wearing them.  

For our bridal shoot, we went up the Alpine Loop by where I live. It's a scenic drive that connects Provo Canyon to American Fork Canyon here in Utah. It is completely gorgeous! We went up the canyon about 5:30, and got some great shots. I am so pleased with how this shoot turned out. As we were hiking through meadows in my dress, my mom who was there with us pointed out that it was a blessing that I wasn't wearing the shoes I would be wearing for the wedding.  They would have gotten completely ruined, because they are satin! SHE WAS RIGHT!!  It was a blessing that I couldn't find my shoes!

To make a long story short, today, I got the impression while I was at work that I should look under my bed for my shoes when I got home.  I got home about 30 minutes ago, and my shoes were sitting there, perfectly safe and protected under my bed.  Not only do I have fun gorgeous shoes for my wedding day, but I have one more thing that will be perfect that day outside of my sealing, and it will always be a wonderful story I can share.

Sometimes, God let's us lose things so that things are perfect later. I lost my first marriage, so that I could find the man that is my perfect fit. He may not be perfect, but he is perfect for me. God knows what he's doing, and we should trust him.  I now have a visual image of this lesson for the rest of my life to share with others.

I love that I have these photos with my yellow shoes, and I love that I will have my blue shoes for my sealing day to my better half! "The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." - Thomas Merton  This picture is the best representation of how perfectly I feel like I fit with my sweet Steve. I'm not perfect, but we fit together so well, that I can be myself!

All my love,

Shae

I Don't Have to Answer!

I've had a much easier time transitioning out of my previous marriage than I thought I would.  I still have insecurities due to some of the nature of my previous marriage, but all in all, I am much more excited for my future, than afraid of facing the scary parts of my past.
This week as I have started cleaning things out again, and going through boxes to downsize things. As I was doing this,I came across something that my ex would need. I was torn about whether to call/text him to see if he still wanted it, or if he just wanted me to get rid of it for him. It bothered me for a while before I talked to anyone about it. I talked with Steve and my lawyer, and they both recommended I just mail it back, and not try to communicate directly with him. 
It took me almost a week, but I finally sent it today.  I didn't want to think about it anymore. As I have been moving on in my life,  and progressing more in my new relationship with Steve, I have come to the realization that I don't need, or even want for that matter, anything that could keep me tied to my past.
Why did it take me so long to send it? I was afraid of him trying to reach out because I sent it back. I had to come to the point where it wouldn't matter if he tried to contact me.  I don't have to answer or respond. Having that option made it possible for me to finally send it to him.
I truly wish my ex all the happiness this world has to offer. I am just ready to not have him be part of my life anymore.
I hope my readers can get something out of this. I felt the need to write about it,  because it was a win for me.

Spoiled Rotten!!!

Yesterday was my birthday,  and it is truly one of the best birthdays I have ever had! I felt loved, cherished, and that people cared.
Steven went above and beyond the call of duty to spoil me. The first present he gave me was an atom necklace. It was beautiful, unique, and geeky. I adore it! It was a very thoughtful gift!
The second present he gave me, was a Doctor Who Shower Caddy for our apartment we will be living in once we are married! (For Religious reasons, Steve and I won't live together until we are married.) He did this, because he wants me to continue to feel like the apartment is ours, not his. It is once again, something thoughtful and geeky.
He also took me to lunch, went with me to my grandma's house to help her with something real quick, (we also did that the previous weekend with my other grandma,) and then took me to dinner.
At dinner, as we are waiting for our delicious food to arrive, (thank you Longhorn Steakhouse,) he presents me with the 3rd and final gift. I open this small box to find a beautiful locket. Inside is a picture and a very sweet and personal inscription.
This 3rd gift was a dream come true. I've not shared this dream of mine until last night. I have secretly always wanted a locket, from the man of my dreams, to pass down to my children. I wanted it not only to mean something to me, but I wanted it to be special for them.
Unbeknownst to Steve, he made this dream come true, and I couldn't contain the tears. I never thought I would be able to live the life I am currently living. If I had known it could be this good, I would have done everything I could have to find him sooner.
I will never be able to thank Steve enough for the man that he is. I know that I brag about him a lot, but that is because I know how perfect he is for me.
I feel spoiled rotten. I have 2 amazing bosses, a fabulous family, an amazing future in law family,  and the man of my dreams wants to marry me. My life isn't perfect, but it is pretty dang amazing!
Thank you to everyone, especially Steve, for letting me feel so cherished and loved this birthday!
All my love,
Shae

"Make Room! I Gotta Dance!"

So, as my fiance and I are now 80 days away from our wedding, (YAY!) we are looking at the living space that we will be living in when we first get married.  We will be in the 1 bedroom apartment that Steve is currently living in.  He has been living there by himself for the last 7+ years.

Slowly, his home has started to feel like my own.  Not only because I love being with him. He has let me start to share in some of the decorating.  I have brought some of my pictures, paintings, and such items into the apartment, and he has allowed me to hang them up, even though I don't live there yet.  He had very little decor when we first started dating. I got him some paintings that suited his style for Valentine's Day this year. We are slowly starting to mesh parts of our home decor styling together.

We want to paint an accent wall in the kitchen, and we are at an impass on color.  We have narrowed it down to 2 colors, so we have decided to make it a matter of sampling. On this particular wall, is a piece of art that was hanging in my parents home for a long time.  It is faded, but I wasn't ready to part with it.
Here is a cropped version of the painting:

With the colors in the painting being so faded, I feel that something with a bit of pop brings out the remaining colors, where he thinks something more understated would let the painting shine.  We will see what the test shows. Steve says that he will choose whatever I want, but I want to honestly see which one does the painting justice, because I can't seem to find anywhere to get a big print of this original to replace the faded one.

But, the main reason for this post today, is that Steve has been cleaning out a lot of things from his place, and I have mixed feelings about it.  I love that he wants to make room for me there, and for me to feel so comfortable there.  At the same time, I still want it to feel like his home. I probably sound like a crazy woman. His opinion matters a lot to me.  I want our home to reflect us both, not just me.

From my last marriage, I have learned that finding middle ground where both people are happy is the best route. Sometimes, an agreement cannot be reached, and then you have to decide who's happiness is most important to that particular issue. My ex and I fought about things that don't matter in the long run, because we were sick of fighting about the big things. I never want to be in that situation again.  Thankfully, Steve and I have that open line of communication, where we can both say, "you can decide."  We can find middle ground on most things.  If one or the other of us is insistent about something, then the other person will see where they are coming from, and come to an agreement.

This time, I'm pretty sure I got a partner. That is all I could ever ask for.

All my love,
Shae

To My Daddy

Dearest Daddy,

I love you very much! I am so grateful to be your daughter.  I am so blessed to always have you watching out for me, wanting what is best for me, and supporting me in my decisions.  Thank you for being such a wonderful husband to Mom. It has been the best example of a wondeful loving relationship I could have ever had. I am now blessed to have a man that loves me as much as you love Mom. 
Thank you for always being there for me, whether I deserved it or not. Thank you for all of our late night talks. I know that I am not always the best daughter.  Thank you for loving me anyway,  and always trying to make me laugh. You are the best. I look forward to the day when my future children can meet you, be spoiled by you,  and have fun with you.
I love you Daddy-san! You're the best!

All my love,
Squeakerdoo

Money Woes

Alrighty, so let's be candid here. Everyone needs money to survive in this world.  You need a certain amount of it to buy food, get you from place to place, and take care of your basic needs, such as practical clothing. Money can be spent on the necessities, and it can be spent on the frivolities in life.

Due to some circumstances within my previous marriage, I am still carrying some debt from the marriage. I decided recently, that I need to be handling my finances more carefully.  Tonight I was going through what I spent in the last few weeks.  I was mortified at where the money went.  The saddest part of that, is that I was having to borrow money to get by with my living expenses.  I feel so ashamed looking at the numbers.

I want to pay my debts off, and I want to be better at managing my personal finances. When my marriage fell apart, I stopped looking at my finances closely.  That has gotten me into more trouble than I would have liked. I don't think I cared where it went, because I wanted to stay in one piece. I was spending the money I was making on frivolities rather than on expenses that I needed to pay on. It felt great at the time. Now, I am still having debt hang over me when I could have been putting all of that extra money towards that debt.

Sadly for me, the damage is done, and I have to live with this.  I hope and pray that I don't have to bring any of this into my new marriage, but the likelihood of that is slim to none. This isn't a fair situation for Steve. He has gotten his finances taken care of and squared away. I feel bad that I am the one keeping us from being able to buy a home and have some of those things that we so long for and desire.

I guess all I can say, is "Lesson learned Shala, now it's time to make sure it doesn't happen again."

All my love,
Shae

Deeper Than the Ocean

Lately, I have been pondering what it means to have a love " Deeper Than The Ocean." I have heard people use this phrase, and I never really understood it.

I am in awe at the fact that part of me is able to understand this phrase. I have loved deeply more than once in my life, but I have never loved as deeply as I do now with Steven. The only difference I can find is that the love is mutually deep. In most of my relationships, we have not been on equal footing in the amount in which we care for each other.  I have always been the one wanting to be in the relationship more, and was the one willing to do anything for the other person. I've not been lucky enough to truly have a partner, that wants to take care of me on the same level that I want to take care of them. 

My parents have been a wondeful example of how a healthy marriage should work. My parents are the cute couple that still hold hands when they walk everywhere, have their inside jokes, and even still call each other their boyfriend/girlfriend even though they have been married almost 33 years. I can't ever remember a time in which my dad raised his voice to my mom, or vice versa. They still had their disagreements in their marriage, but they never yelled. They would calmly talk through their struggle, and then they would be back to their normal, cute selves. I always knew my parents loved each other.  I never had a chance to question it. I am grateful every day for their example of what a deep and true love is. 

What I feel with Steven is deeper than anything I have ever experienced. I look forward to us growing together and our love growing deeper and deeper. Everything about this relationship is so completely different for me.  The way we talk is deeper, the time we spend together is quality, we support each other in every way imaginable.  I didn't know this existed out there.

So, to my parents, I want to say thank you for being an amazing example of what love can be. 

To Steve, I want to say thank you for loving me, respecting me, and being willing to even give our relationship a chance.  September is right around the corner, but it feel so far away sometimes! I am excited that you want to spend not only this life with me, but throughout all of eternity.  It is very humbling to be loved by you.

All my love,

Shae

To my Mommy,

To My Gorgeous Mommy on Mother's Day,

I want you to know how much I love you.  I am grateful everyday to be your daughter.  You have always been there for me, even when I didn't deserve it.  You have always worked so hard to help us kids have a wonderful life.  I have learned so much from you, that you probably don't even realize that I have learned.  You have taught me what it means to be a good wife, a good mother, and a good person in general.  You have one of the kindest souls I know.  You are smart, you are beautiful, and you are so funny.  I will never be able to repay you for the gift it is to be your daughter.  I know I have not made things easy on you with my decisions over the years, and the way I didn't control my emotions for a long time. (Sorry that I was your most difficult teenager...)
I especially will never be able to thank you enough for being there for me through this last year.  Thank you for letting me come home, for letting me get back on my feet, and for always being there for me on the days that I didn't want to get out of bed.  Thank you for always praying for me, because I felt your prayers on my behalf. Thank you for being there when I cried, and for always protecting me and my decisions to various people you crossed paths with.
You are, and always will be, my hero. I only hope that I can become 1/10 of the woman that you are, because that means that I am on the right track, and I am a good person.  I know that you have shared me with other "moms" that are very dear to me, but you will always be my mommy.  You will always be the person that I want to share everything with.  I am so glad that over the last 7-8 years we have been able to become better friends.  I have loved getting to know the woman that you are outside of our house.  You have touched so many lives for good, even outside of our family.  You amaze me constantly.
I only hope that when I begin to start my family, that they will have many opportunities to get to know you, to see you through my eyes, and to love you just as much as I do. I love that you will take selfies with me everywhere. You have always been my biggest fan, and my biggest cheerleader.  I wouldn't want anyone else to be my mother.
Thank you for constantly being a good example to me.  I love that I get to be part of our silly little family. Thank you for bringing me into this world, and raising me with love. You're the best mom, and I wouldn't trade you for anything in this world.

All my love,
Shala

Grace

What is Grace?

I am not referring to any woman named Grace, let's just get that out of the way.  Today, I have learned a lot about what Grace is. Grace is the intimate relationship with have with our Savior, Jesus Christ. It is how we have access to His loving Atonement, and how we are able to become more like our Savior.

I attended BYU Women's Conference today with  my mother.  We attended a total of 5 seminars. We truly have been spiritually enriched.  We laughed, we cried, and as all of this was happening, my eyes were opened to my current situation in life.

One year ago, I was miserable. I thought no one could ever love me.  I thought I was broken, damaged goods, and how could anyone love a woman who didn't even know who she was.  Over the last year, I have leaned and relied on my Savior, and began to learn who I am, and that I do love the person that I am. How was I able to make such a shift in my life in just one year?

There have been many instances in the last year that I was able to experience that taught me that I was a lovable, fun, beautiful person. Serving others through my callings and through other means has really helped me stay close to my Savior, and to get to know Him as well as myself. I made friends, and lost them, and I have really truly enjoyed the last year.  Yes, it was hard, but I had hope that I would have the future that I so longed for.

Fast Forward to today.  I now have hindsight over the last year of my life, and I know that I have a testimony of the Grace of Jesus Christ, and His Atonement, because I have done the work.  I need to do everything I can to become like the Savior before His Grace can fill in the blanks.  In a lot of Christian religions, they just believe that they can mostly, do whatever they want, and if they claim Jesus as thier Savior, Grace will do the rest.  I believe that isn't true.  I believe that we need to obey the commandments and laws of God, and do everything we can to be loving, righteous disciples, before grace can fill in the blanks.

I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be.  I have made my mistakes in life, and I have accepted my part in each and every one of them.  I have repented, I have done everything I can to be a righteous servant of the Lord, despite those things. I am now worthy to enter the temple to do His work, and to learn more of Him.

I am grateful for the grace that Heavenly Father has provided for us, because he loves us. I am sure that I still do not have a full understanding of grace, but it is getting better, and growing more. I am excited for another day of study themed around grace. I hope to glean more information, so that I can continue to have a better understanding.

I also hope that this post gives someone some insight. I am going to leave you with a song I heard today, sung by Beyond 5

All my love,

Shae

I NEED TO SLOW DOWN!!!!!!

I have strep throat.

The only time strep throat manifests itself, is when I am putting too much pressure on myself, or overworking myself.  I think lately, I have been doing a bit of both of those.

When it comes to overworking myself, that is my choice.  I really want to do well at my new job.  It is so completely different than what I have done for years, that I feel like I have to come in, guns blazing, and make a good strong impression.  There is this stigma with being a hairdresser, that a lot of people assume you are stupid.  I am not stupid.  I went into hair, because I enjoyed it, and I thought it would be great once I have my own family, to have something where I could completely control the schedule so I am there for my kids.  That being said, I really love this new job, and I want to excel at it.  Being the worrier that I am, I have been afraid of not catching on to things fast enough.  The people I work with, and my boss reassure me that they are pleased, but I still will sometimes come in early, just to feel like I am getting things done soon enough.

I know that I stress, and put a lot of pressure on myself for many reasons.  I want to make sure I am a good daughter, a good employee, that I am self sufficient, that I am a good partner for Steven, and much more.  I know that I am stressing unnecessarily.  Tonight, my friend Carrie reminded me that I need to breathe, and take some time for myself. I have been taking time for myself.  I choose to spend most of that time with Steven, because he makes me happy, and I remain more calm in his presence.  He doesn't put any pressure on me whatsoever.  It's really nice.

I just need to take a chill pill, and relax a bit.  Next weekend I will be in Idaho spending time with family.  I think that will be a good break from everything where I can recharge.  Plus, I can't go back to work until Friday, so tomorrow I'm going to read a book, and relax.

The Little Things

Lately, I have been looking at the little things that make me happy in life.  There are many more that I ever realized.  I'm going to share a few, so please indulge me a little on this, as a couple may come off as sappy.

MUSIC:

Music has always been wonderful to me, but lately, I can be in my car, and a song will come on the radio, and I can't stop smiling for one reason or another! Music is a powerful influence on our moods.  I notice that when I keep my music upbeat and happy, I have better days!

SCRIPTURE STUDY:

I'm sure not all of my readers are religious, but I know that making sure that I study my scriptures has a profound effect on how I look at the world.  It helps me keep an eternal perspective, which I need sometimes.  It makes it easier for me to get through moments when I get frustrated with myself for one reason or another.

LAUGHTER:

I have laughed more in the last 6 months or so than I have in a very long time.  I am letting the little things in life take over, and I laugh so much more.  Just tonight, Steve was being silly as we were out with my younger brother to get some fun soda drinks from a local drink place.  We were just standing in line.  I didn't know the answer to something, and he came up with silly things to say. I love that little things like that happen on a very regular basis with Steve, or even a silly email.  I know that there will be lots of laughs for the rest of forever with Steve in my life.

CAT CUDDLES:

Ok, I am also sure that not all of my readers are cat people.  But I know that my cat makes me happy.  He will come and yell at me with his whimpy meow, and then come cuddle with me, and it just warms my heart.  I always feel better when he is near me. There are studies suggesting that having a cat (or other animals I am sure) can help you have lower stress and anxiety.  I can get unnecessarily anxious sometimes, and he does help me calm down sometimes. Whether it is a distraction or just the fact that he wants attention and cuddles, it's working for me.

MY SWEETIE:

Yes, here comes the sappy train!  There are so many little things that Steve does, and he doesn't even realize how cute they are.  It makes me happy that he has chosen to share a life with me.  I look forward to his messages, and seeing him as often as I can.  Thanks for being in my life, and putting up with me, and making me laugh, and feel special and loved every day.  I am so lucky to have you Steve.

PICTURES:

I love to take pictures.  Not just of myself either.  Yes, I am an avid selfie taker, but I know that there are many other beautiful things happening in my life that deserve the same attention! Steve is sweet, and even though he isn't much of a person who loves to be in pictures, he indulges me, and I love him more for that. Feeling down?  Get outside and take some pictures.  The trees are blooming, and life is GORGEOUS!!!!!!

What little things make you happy?

All my love,
Shae

Les Miserables

So, I am a theater girl!  I love plays and musicals, and have been in several over the course of my life.  My favorite musical of all time is Les Miserables.  When I tell people that, some of them are surprised.  It is a sad story with a lot of death, and tortured souls. Let me tell you why it is my favorite.

It is a story about forgiveness and redemption.

For those who don't know the story, I will try to do a quick sum up.

The main character is Jean Valjean, a french man who stole a loaf of bread, ran from the law, and was in jail for 19 years.  When he is released on Parole, his parole officer Javert lets him know that he (Javert) will always be there, waiting for him to make a mistake.
Because of the kindness of a priest, Jean Valjean creates a new identity, and completely changes his life. 10 years later he is the mayor of the town he lives in, Javert is the new Inspector, and doesn't notice him right away.  One of the workers in Jean Valjean's warehouse gets thrown out on the streets, and becomes a prostitute to support her child, and becomes sick.  Jean Valjean comes across her at one of her lowest points, rescues her and gets her to a hospital, but it is too late.
Jean Valjean collects her daughter, Cosette, from and innkeeper and his wife, and raises her on his own, all of this time on the run from Javert.
Cosette is grown, falls in love with a man headed of to fight for the French Revolution named Marius. Jean Valjean ends up fighting alongside Marius to protect him.  In doing so, he has an opportunity to seek revenge on Javert.  Instead, Jean lets him go. While Jean is carrying Marius to safety, he is confronted by Javert, and Javert lets him go, because he sees all the good Jean has done in his life for others.  He doesn't know what to do with that information.
The play closes with Jean Valjean's death, and him being taken up to heaven by Cosette's mother, Fontine, and the kind priest.

That is a very summarized version of the story, but we see how the kindness of one man, changed that man into a person who could help save so many other people in one form or another. We have no idea of the impact we have on people's lives, and this musical is a wonderful reminder of that.  The music is beautiful, an the story powerful!

Embrace your awesomeness!  Change people's lives for good!  Know that you are amazing, and powerful, and wonderful!  I am grateful for the many people that have come into my life and changed mine for the better!

I am going to close this post with a video of Jean Valjean's prayer to save Marius at one point while they are in battle. This version is sung by the amazing Alfie Boe!  Enjoy!

All my love,
Shae

BEST SURPRISE EVER!!!!!!!!!

Tonight is a night that will personally always be one of my favorite nights!  My sweet Steven has asked me to be his wife forever, for time and all eternity, and I have said yes!  People keep asking me for all of the details, so here we go.

Tonight started out like any other Monday night.  Steven, me, my best friend Amber, and his brother John, all got together to have Family Home Evening. (No, Amber and John are not dating.  I have been asked that more than once, so I wanted to set the record straight.)  The boys made dinner while Amber and I drove up to John's apartment.  The evening proceeded as usual. We had dinner, and then we were playing Apples to Apples for our game tonight.

My boss knew that Steven and I were getting close to getting engaged.  Today while I was driving to my FHE, I got a call from her, saying to buy a FHE treat. So, after we played a couple of rounds of Apples to Apples, we headed over to Rita's, to enjoy a treat. (Thanks again Kim!  We enjoyed our treat!)

After we got back, I had gotten a text from her, asking if it had happened.  I told her No, that it probably wouldn't happen tonight.

I showed Steven the text from her, and then my response.

Then he asked me, "Well, how about it?" Then he got down on one knee, and told me many wonderful things about me, us, our relationship, and how he wanted to have me by his side for the rest of forever.  What he said was so beautiful, that I don't feel comfortable sharing that part.

At that point, my mouth failed me, and I nodded my head profusely, and gave him a kiss.  I told him how much I loved him as well, and then Amber piped up, "Now put the ring on her finger!"

My ring is gorgeous!  I am so happy!  I don't know that I have ever been this happy in my entire life!  I can't even come up with the words to describe this happiness!

I am truly the luckiest girl in the world to have Steven in my life.  He is such a blessing to me.  I never thought someone would love me so much.  I didn't know it was possible.  I am grateful for everything that has happened to me in my life to lead to this moment!  Steven is the man of my dreams, and so much more that I didn't even realize I needed until I had him!  I am thankful for him every day!

All my love,
The Happiest Shae in Existence!!!!!!!

Soul Mates

So, over the years, I have contemplated the term, "soul mates". I don't know that I believe in them to be totally and completely honest.  I feel that it says that there is something out there that magically bonds you to another person, and you both magically know it.  Some people say that they don't stay with their soul mate, or the only crossed paths with them briefly, but they were still in a happy, loving relationship with another person.


Being where I am at now in my life, I can understand how someone could come to believe in them.  When two people love each other with the same intensity in a relationship, and both want to be in the relationship, and will do everything they can to make it work, they could believe they were with their soul mate.  Steve is so wonderful to me, and I have never felt like I have been better matched in a relationship, being totally and completely honest.

I know I have been in love more than once in my life, but each of them were different.  My favorite kind of being in love I have experienced so far, has been with Steve. I feel it is the most mature and the most complete.  People never forget their first love, and I experienced my first love 10 years ago.  We only dated a few months, and then we broke up for a number of reasons.  The next one was almost a desperate kind of love.  I remember that I didn't want to be alone at the time, so I kept convincing myself that I loved that person.  Then there was the love I had in my marriage, which was unconditional, but not returned at the same level.  He loved me to the best of his abilities, and I will always admire that about him.


The kind of love I have with Steve is probably the closest thing that I will ever find in my life to a soul mate.  I feel that we are equally matched in the level of commitment to our relationship, and to making it work.  We are both 2 people from different walks of life, so things aren't always easy.  I can be a basket case sometimes, and he calms me down in ways he doesn't even understand.  Sometimes I just need to hear his voice, and then I know everything is ok, and I can get through whatever bad moment or hard thing that is going on at the time.

So no, I still don't believe in soul mates.  But I do believe in mature relationships.  I will always endorse those! :)

All my love,
Shae

Blessings

Lately in my life, I have been feeling very blessed.  I have many reasons to feel this way, and so I try to make sure that the people in my life know how much I appreciate them, and feel blessed by them.

Recently, I was able to cut ties with my ex husband in a way that I thought I wouldn't be able to do for the next couple of years.  It is amazing the weight I have felt lifted off of me.  I guess he decided he wanted to be done with the arrangement we had made as much as I did. I don't hate my ex at all, but I know we both know how much better off we are without each other, and I wish him all the best in the rest of his life.

I am blessed with an amazing family.  They are so supportive, encouraging, and loving.  My parents are the epitome of how a marriage should be.  They still cuddle, and hold hands, and love spending time together.  They still have inside jokes, and laugh every day together.  They work well together, and are an amazing example to me.  

My younger brother is my buddy.  He has put up with me being his date to the movies for the last year, and I wouldn't trade a single one of those, and he didn't say a word when I was bawling watching Frozen with him. (Thanks again bro! Love ya!)

My brother and his sweet wife are a wonderful blessing to me as well.  Even though they are far away in Brazil, I miss them, love them, and they are still an example to me.  They have a good working marriage that deals with a lot of things most marriages don't have to, and I admire the fact that they can make it work so well. Their sweet boys are another wonderful blessing in my life.  They make me smile, and I am a very proud aunt!  Ask anyone that spends more than 10 minutes with me.  It is hard for me to not show off how sweet and adorable they are.

I am blessed with work!  I have 2 careers that I really enjoy!  I love the law office that I work for, and I love being a cosmetologist.  They both make me happy, and help me to feel like I am helping people in different ways.  They are both much more rewarding than I could ever dream!  It is a blessing in and of itself to look forward to going into work. 

I have some of the most amazing friends I could ever ask for.  Each one is an amazing blessing in and of themselves, and I don't have the time to write each of them down, and how they are a blessing to me.  They know who they are, and I will be better about sharing that with you personally! ;)

I am blessed, because I have a loving Heavenly Father, and I have a Savior. I am grateful every day for them both, and for my knowledge of them, and the Atonement.  I am blessed to know that They have a plan of happiness for each and every one of us if we will follow it. 

And last, but certainly not least, there is my amazing boyfriend, who is a blessing in my life every day.  He makes me laugh, he helps me calm down when I am freaking out about nothing, and he makes me feel special every single day. The last 2 months of my life have been truly amazing.  I look forward to many more laughs, good discussions, and fun times!  

Look for the blessings in your life.  You will be amazed at how many you find.  These that I have listed are only a few.  I have many, many more. 

All my love, 

Shae