Love is a giddy thing....

The post title is a quote from Much Ado About Nothing. one of my favorite Shakespearean plays out there.  

Today has been a wonderful! Today the man I am in love with told me he loves me!  From our discussion, we both felt it before now,  but only voiced it today.  He wanted to know for sure that he felt it before he said it, so that is why he waited. I have been thinking about why I waited. I waited out of fear.

Opening up to another man in a romantic way is a scary thing for me. The last time I truly let someone in, it hurt me in ways I never imagined it would. Granted,  because of what I experienced in my last marriage, I am not the same person now. I am much more cautious with my heart now than I was then.  I also know that Steve is not my ex husband. All the same, I was scared.

I have learned over the last couple of years that my heart is big, and I share it easily. Since the divorce finalized, I have been very cautious in the sharing of my big heart.  I don't cope well with loss, and I was afraid that if I let myself love again, I would be setting up myself to lose that person.

Then enters Steven.  I knew that I loved him long before I wanted to say it because I feared he wouldn't feel the same, or that if he left me, I would become a puddle of Shae that wouldn't know how to put herself back together.  He is such a wonderful blessing, and I would never want to jeopardize what I have with him.

I wanted Steven to know how deeply I cared for him,  so I wrote him a letter, explaining how he had changed my heart, how grateful I am that he cares for me, basically everything I felt or could express without saying those 3 magical words.  I show up at his apartment this morning, dressed down, hair pulled back, and a tiny bit of foundation and mascara on.  Basically, I went looking much more naturally than I normally do when I spend time with him.  I handed him the letter, and let him read it, fear coursing through my body wondering how he will react to my feelings for him.

After he read the letter this morning, he started to tell me how he felt, and he said those 3 wonderful words... "I love you." My heart skipped a beat. I could hardly contain my excitement as I said I love you back to him. I also couldn't believe that he said this when I was so dressed down.  I felt so special in that moment that I can't even truly express what I felt.  I am glad that I waited until now to say it. It felt better,  it felt right, and it felt like we were both ready to share that love with each other.  I don't think any other moment before now would have felt so right. 

As I type this post, he is sitting on the couch, playing a game, and just being happy.  I'm happy to spend time with him, even if we aren't necessarily doing the exact same thing together.  To me, that is a sign of a mature love,  a mature relationship, and that we could be amazing together. We did the same thing today.  We went to the grocery store, we went to dinner, we spent some time with his brother, and we watched a movie.  It feels so natural spending time with him. 

I am excited for our future. I am also glad that we are both growing within the relationship. We both are pursuing goals and working on achieving them together!  I can only imagine how we will continue to grow in the future. I hope that it will only continue to bring us closer together, as it already has.  

I am happier than I have been in a very long time. Steve plays a big part in that yes. I am also learning how to be accepting of the love that I deserve.  I hope you all can do that too!  Everyone deserves to be loved so deeply that the words to accurately describe it fail them. I wish that for anyone that may happen upon this.

As I have done in most of my posts, there is a song that has been on my mind in regards to the wonderful man that has entered my life.  The lyrics I feel suit where I am at, and can more easily express how I am feeling.  I hope you enjoy it!

All my love,
Shae

Valentine's Day

I am the luckiest girl in the world!  My boyfriend has spoiled me rotten!
Thursday, we exchanged good morning texts, as we always have, and then he says, "I have a secret!" I pry a little, but I was sure it involved Valentine's Day.  I was thinking it was something along the line of flowers.  Initially I thought maybe they were going to be sent to my work, but nope.  They were sent to my home, and arrived at 5:40 pm! So I was sitting all day waiting for this "secret" to show itself, and had to wait all day! :)  This blue long box arrived, and I received these.

Gorgeous Tulips and Irises. There was a beautiful note as well, making me feel special as he always does.

Valentine's day itself arrives, and I am so excited!  I had gotten him some geeky pieces of art for him to hang around his home.  I was so excited to give it to him!  He arrives to pick me up for our date, and I got to show him the flowers.  Then I gave him his present, and he was super excited!  He had been mentioning that he wanted to decorate, but felt he didn't know how. I'm so glad I could anticipate what he needed/wanted.  I got an awesome hug and kiss for that! 

So, we drive up to his apartment, because we decided we were going to stay in!  He had been talking about and dropping hints about my present for a week or so, so I was excited to see what it was.  He was making it, so I was curious!

He made me a Teddy Bear!  I named it Shasta! (Thanks Gina for the suggestion!) Not only was it a teddy bear, but he had also purchased jewelry for me that had my birthstone in it!  I don't know that I have received a more thoughtful gift in my adult years!  

We then made dinner in, (Steak and green beans) and watched the movie Romantics Anonymous.  It was a French film with subtitles.  We laughed and really enjoyed that.  Shortly before our movie was supposed to end, we get a text from Steve's sister, and so we walked a block to go and visit them, as they were at his brother's place from Tooele. We talked with them and I enjoyed getting to know them better, and see them a little more relaxed around me. We invited them back to Steve's place, to show them my gift to him.  Thankfully they  loved it too.  After they left, we finished our movie, and he brought me home. 

It was such a wonderful night.  It makes me so grateful that I can have a night in like that with him, and even if there is an interruption in the plans, we both go with it and make the best of it.  

A month ago today we decided that we only wanted to date each other.  I believe it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I love the pace of the relationship, and that we can do nothing and enjoy each other's company.  That's a true test in a REAL relationship to me.  Because let's be real here.  Who goes on elaborate dates every night of the week when you are married?  NO ONE!!!  So, with that said, I hope there are many more evenings in with Steve, because I really enjoy his company!

Be Happy my friends!

All my love, 

Shae

Life is good!

Things are going great!  Steve and I have been dating for a little while now, and things are going really well!  We still haven't really run out of things to talk about, we continue to share our likes and interests, and we really enjoy each other's company.

I have decided to start working a little closer to home, so I am working at 2 salons right now.  I'm excited to see where the closer one leads me.

There is a song that comes to mind to explain how I feel lately!  Let me share that with you!  It's by Imagine Dragons, who I love and adore!

All my love,
Shae

Guess what everyone??

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!

Do you remember I mentioned that guy that I was talking to from the dating site and I thought it looked promising?  Well, we have really hit it off, and decided to give it a go!  He's adorable!  I have to tell you about our first date!

Ok, so the night before our date, he was thoughtful enough to mention the weather so that I made sure I brought a coat. (It is cold in Utah right now.) The day of the date is here, and he mentions that he is going to be at the restaurant early so that we can get seats and not have to wait a very long time.  I got home from work early that day, and got ready quicker than expected, so I also showed up early.  When i got there, he already had our buzzer to let us know when the table would be ready, and he was outside.  I was actually kind of nervous for this one, because I was hoping we would hit it off.

I walked up to him, said Hi, and gave him a hug.  He hugged back, and we were off!  Thankfully, nothing really felt awkward between the two of us, which is rare on a first date.  The conversation was easy, and we were both laughing relatively easily by the time we were sat at our table.  We enjoyed an easy conversation over dinner, and continued to get to know one another better. We pass on dessert (as we are both working on weight loss goals of our own) and move onto the next part of the date.

We head to Trafalga in Lehi, because he had never been mini golfing.  I'm awful at it, but I thought it would be fun for him to experience it.  We get there, and he buys the date package, where you get tokens as well. So first we go upstairs to their indoor mini golf course.  We both laugh as we stink it up.  We thought about going around one more time, but decided against it since we stunk it up so bad. :)

We head down to the arcade and start playing games and earning tickets.  There was skee ball, weird bowing with tiny balls, and tons of games.  We racked up the tickets, and I had tokens left over from the last time I had gone, so we went through those as well.

We go up to the prize counter and hand over our cards with our tickets. (because they loaded back on the cards now. Still weird to me, but whatever!)  We had almost 800 tickets.  The teenager behind the counter asks what we want, and Steve says, "I want her to pick a stuffed animal from that basket." I was floored. No one had ever taken most of our winnings and picked a prize for me in all of my years of dating. I picked a little floppy eared dog, and we named him Biscuit in the car.

At that point, we both mentioned that we weren't ready for the date to end, so I suggested we go to the local drink place, The Slurp. It's a fun place where you can get flavored sodas, hot drinks, ice cream, cookies, etc.  We both got our diet sodas flavored and sat and enjoyed more fun conversation. We shared a lot.  After that we decided to call it a night, he drove me back to my car, and we hugged, and I went home with Biscuit and a big smile on my face.
I am really excited to see where this relationship goes.  He doesn't care that I am divorced, and I can be my geeky self with him.

All my love,
Shae

Happy 2014!

Sorry that my posts have been so sporadic. I am trying to get a little better at it! I still make no promises or guarantees though. :P

Well, 2014 is really here!  I am really glad to let 2013 be in my past.  The holiday season was particularly hard on me emotionally.  I felt very alone through the holidays.  I realized about a week ago that the reason for that is most likely because it was the first set of holidays that I spent not in a relationship since high school.  That's 10-11 years ago!  That's a long time.  I really struggled, and ended up indulging in bad food and sweets over the holidays. Fell back into some old habits, but I am getting help for that.

So I'm sure some of you are wondering, are you going on dates?  Yes, since the divorce finalized, I have been going on lots of different dates with lots of different guys.  Being LDS, I am now attending a Young Single Adult ward again.  That is something I never thought I would do again, but it has been a refreshing change.  Most of the ward is young, but I went on a date with one of the guys in the ward and had a great time.  I've been set up on dates by friends, and I have dabbled in online dating.  There are some really great guys out there, but I haven't really felt that I could truly be myself with any of them. There is nothing wrong with these guys really. They just aren't a good fit for me.

Maybe I am being picky or something, but I need to be.  I don't want to ever get divorced again.

I feel like I am also settling into the grown woman that I am, and what I need and want in my partner.  I'm talking with a guy from one the dating site I am on now that sounds like he may be a good fit.  We will see what happens with him.

In the mean time, 2014 is going to be the year of the Happy Shae!  I've even picked out a theme song!

Enjoy!

All my love,
Shae

BRAZIL!!!!!!!!!

I have to take some time to mention how wonderful my trip to Brazil was!  It was the best early Christmas gift I have ever recieved.  I wasn't so much a tourist on this trip.  We didn't go and do anything particularly glorious or magnificent, but I was there to see my family and relax a bit.
My younger brother and I traveled down together a week before my parents arrived.  That first week was really relaxing.  I spent it helping my sister in law, laughing with my brother, and playing with my nephews.  My 7 month old nephew and I bonded quite a bit.  It would get to a point on the trip where he would want to come to me instead of others, and that was such a tender mercy for me.  There were times where I almost felt like a mother.  I was trying to make sure my sister in law could enjoy our visit too, so I spent a lot of time with the baby while my younger brother would entertain the 5 and 11 year old with video games and such. (Not my strong suit, but I am working on building those skills so I can play with them.)
But, the back to the moments where I felt like a mother!  I would be playing with the baby, or rocking him to sleep, or walking him around because he doesn't like to be cooped up, and all of the sudden, I would think, "This is a tiny glimpse at what being a mom would feel like." I know it's not fully, because it isn't my child, but I had some moments where it was just him and I, and I felt this love for him that I can't even describe.  It was truly such a tender mercy for me to experience that.

This trip was the first time my entire family had been in one place in almost 7 years.  We really tried to take in every moment of it we could.  I am so grateful for it.  I also got to read, sleep in, and enjoy the trip.  It was HOT down there, so it was a nice break from the cold here in Utah.
Family is very special and very important.  Don't take advantage of them.

I wouldn't trade my goofy family for anything in this world!  I look forward to the next time I get to see everyone again!

All my love,
Shae

My Current Views on Marriage

So I haven't posted for a while, and I'm sorry for that.

As of October 22, I am a single woman.  I am no longer married to my ex, the process is done.  It is kind of freeing to know that it is over, and it is time to move on.  It truly feels like the weight on my shoulders is gone, and I can immerse myself back into "single life."


Today I came across a blog post. It was titled "Marriage isn't for you." With that title, I became curious, and had to read more. The article went on to talk about how when you marry someone, it isn't for yourself, it is for them.  I took a portion of the article that was very important to me to share with you tonight.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raisethem? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.” 

Here is a link to the rest of the article for you to read.

After reading this, I got to thinking about, and his dad was right. I married my ex to make him happy.  I wanted a family with him.  I thought with the experiences he had been through, he would be a strong companion in raising children.

As our marriage went on, I realized that he was a completely different man that I thought he was when I married him.  I felt that I gave him everything I had, and I tried to do everything in my power to make him happy.  Working multiple jobs, trying to keep the house clean, and trying to go out and do things as often as he wanted and was accustomed to. I don't feel that I failed in my marriage.

That may sound weird to some.  If I didn't fail, why am I divorced? Well, it got to a point, where I was looking at the man he had become, and he wasn't the kind of man that could help me in the ways I needed in raising a family.I was looking out for my future family.  They need someone with a kind and gentle heart, not someone who is quick to anger. A gentle giant if you will, to raise children with me.

Is that selfish? Possibly.  But if I am going to be selfish in anything, I think being selfish in making sure my family has the best future possible isn't a bad thing. I care so deeply for the children that I am supposed to mother already, that I just want them to come into a good home with loving parents.

I am extremely blessed with 2 loving parents, that still cuddle at the movies, and hold hands when they are walking most places. They still giggle at inside jokes and kiss in the kitchen, and I am in my late 20's.  They have been married 30+ years, and I only hope I get as lucky the next go around.

Do I still believe in marriage? Yes, totally and completely. Marriage is a beautiful partnership between two willing people. I believe that my Mr Wonderful is out there. I will find him someday.  Maybe I've met him and don't know it yet, I don't know. I just know that Forever is a long time, and I am looking for not just someone, but the right someone.

You love when I post a song at the end.  I want to feel this way about my future husband. Except for the couple of feminine references of course! ;)

All my love,
Shae