“Shame is a soul eating emotion.” ~C.G. Jung

When I moved home because of my divorce, I felt a lot of shame.  I felt like I couldn't look people in the eye, because I was afraid of the pity I would see in their faces.  I could imagine them saying, "Oh, there's Shae.  I feel so sorry for her.  She couldn't make her marriage work."  I know that sounds a bit crazy, but that is what was going through my head.  I was especially worried about that when I got back to my home ward, where everyone knew me, and knew my family so well.
To be honest, I almost didn't want to go to church that first Sunday back. I felt so much shame for what had happened that it almost kept me home.  I knew I needed to go, and so I did. Much to my surprise, I only received those "pity glances" from a couple of people that I wasn't very close to.  Most of the people there welcomed me back with open arms, and were excited to see me rather than seeing me differently.  They still saw the same old Shae that they have always known.  Not quite as happy as she once was at that time, but the same girl who loved them.  I am so glad I went that first Sunday.
That moment taught me something wonderful.  It taught me that my divorce wasn't nearly as big of a deal as I was making it out to be.  Why should I feel shame for something that I poured my heart and soul into for 6 years, but it didn't work out the way that I had hoped and dreamed it would.  It worked out the way it needed to.  Why was I making a big deal about what these other people who knew and loved me thought?  I HAVE NO IDEA!!  I truly wish I did know.
Sadly, this shame did carry over to how I interacted with my family.  I felt ashamed that I was back home.  My family is incredibly loving, and they did nothing to make me feel otherwise.  Because I didn't know how I fit back into my family at that point, I was meanest to the people that showed me the most love.  I would run away to friends houses because I felt "safe" rather than learning to deal with the shame. I'm sad that I felt this way, and that I put my family through that.  I'm sorry family.  I really do love you all.  I'm sorry that I was so bad at showing that love when you were so wonderful at showing it to me in my time of need.. I was not my best at the time, and I hope you can forgive me for my mistakes.
I made this post, because no one should feel ashamed because something didn't work out the way it was "supposed" to, like my first marriage didn't work out.  It worked out for the best.  I know that now, because it has been a year since my ex and I separated.  If I had known that I could be this happy a year later, I probably would have handled things a little better than I did before.
Shame can be all consuming, and it is generally self centered.  If you go about doing the things you know you need to be doing, like attending church, or work, or whatever it may be, the shame will go away.  Don't let it consume you.
When you are going through something big like that, I encourage "going home" to where people love you, respect you, and can remind you of the amazing person you forgot you were.  That's what happened with me in attending that ward.  Being around these people reminded me that I am a worthwhile person.  I just needed to tap into that again.

All my love,
Shae