The Balance Beam we call LIFE!

When I was 8, I was taking gymnastics from one of my friends mothers.  The balance beam is about the width of a VHS tape (for those of us who remember what that looks like) and you had to spin, dance, and jump on it.  In the beginning, I would fall off quite a bit.  She had one close to the floor for us to learn on. Having tiny feet, I always felt like I did pretty well with this particular aspect of gymnastics.  I wasn't perfect by any means, and I didn't pursue it to Olympic dreams.  But, it helped me understand that I was strong in my own way, and that if you don't keep your balance, you fall off.

I feel like that is what happened in my life.  I fell off my balance beam.  My marriage began to crumble, and I didn't know how to get back on the same balance beam.  I had to re-learn what balance meant in my life.  I tried a couple of different times to get back on the balance beam, but I would fall off, or get pulled of by something/someone in my life.

So, I had to learn what balance felt like in my life.  Once my marriage ended, and we were living apart, I started to learn what balance felt like.  I was stronger in my religious habits, I wasn't as stressed in my work environment, and I was sleeping better.  I am a woman who needs sleep, or I can be cranky, or say things that I shouldn't.  I started also to take the time to do things that made me feel better, like read books, make cards, and watch silly shows.

I'm still learning what it means to be balanced in my life.  Now that I am in my new relationship, we are both learning what that balance means within our relationship.  We talk about our needs, wants, and desires in the relationship.  We also talk about our fears sometimes.  We need to do that, and keep that communication open. (See post below)  We have been spending tons of time together lately, which is wonderful.  We are just learning how to balance the time we spend together with our hobbies and likes.  We are sharing in those more, and we will continue to do so.

I also am taking the time to enjoy my work, read books, go to movies, sing, and do the things that make me happy.  Balance is an individualized thing.  What balance feels like to me won't be the same thing for Steve, or anyone for that matter.

I love the quote I used at the top.  We have to keep moving to stay balanced.  Albert Einstein wasn't just smart, he was also wise.  When we stop, and wallow in our miseries for too long, our life falls out of balance again.  If we keep moving, then we keep our balance.  I feel that I am a much more balance person, but I am still a work in progress.  True change and growth doesn't happen overnight.  It is step by step, line upon line.

If your life feels out of balance, or like you have fallen off your beam, take a look at your life, and see what you can do to create that balance back.  It will take some time, and some soul searching.  We all feel the pressure to be everything for the people in our lives, but part of balance is making sure we stay sane, and happy.  You can't help others unless you help yourself. Don't be afraid of the journey to find balance.  It is wonderful, and constant.  The journey is half of the fun!

All my love,
Shae

Say Something

                                                                 "Say Something"

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

These particular lyrics I feel sum up a point that I reached in my marriage.  My ex had shut off the communication, built up his walls, and wouldn't let me in.  The first time I heard this song, I bawled my eyes out.  It was the perfect way of expressing what I was feeling at that time, and I hadn't learned how to voice it.

Communication is such a key element in any relationship, whether it be friendship, romantic, or a working relationship.  If both parties aren't willing to communicate, the relationship runs into problems.  If an employee can't talk to their boss when they are struggling, both parties end up unhappy.  If friends hide things from each other, they start to drift apart.  When you shut down the communication with your spouse/significant other, you alienate them, and it strains the relationship to a breaking point.

In my first marriage, I really tried to vocalize my needs.  When we were first married, I read The Five Love Languages, and I encouraged my ex to take the test as well, so I best knew how to meet his needs. His primary love language was Physical Touch, with a close second of Quality Time.  Mine was Words of Affirmation with a close second of Quality Time.  So, we both spoke the love language of Quality Time, and I wasn't opposed to physical affection in any way.  I knew how to show him love.  He struggled showing me the Words of Affirmation (Compliments) form of love, even though it was the one I needed the most. So, I found the pages in the book that showed examples of dates or things to express that love language in the book, marked them for him, and handed him the book directly, and said, "There are some pages in this book that I marked that should give you some ideas on how to help with that." after he had mentioned he didn't know how.  He never read them, and never talked to me about it after that.

This happened on many occasions with him, where I would try to lay everything out on a silver platter for him and I.  I did everything I could to tell him exactly how to share in a life with me.  I was working 2-3 jobs most of my marriage, and in my profession I work most Saturdays.  So, before I would head off to work, I would ask him to do one simple task around the house, like do the laundry, or do the dishes, while I was at work that day. I would come home 6-9 hours later, and it wouldn't be done.  One simple task.  It's not like I was leaving him a giant list of things to do.  It was something simple, and it wouldn't happen.

When we reached that point in our marriage, I didn't feel like his wife anymore.  I felt like his mother. When I tried to voice that to him, he would shut me off, brush it away, and generally leave the house rather than talk to me.

It is so important to communicate your needs.  As long as both parties are willing to listen and communicate their needs, you do better.  The best is when you both implement the others needs and make an effort to do what the other person has asked, or expressed that they needed.

When it comes to HOW to keep the communication open, it varies between every relationship.  There are many different techniques.  The one thing I would say that is universal for every relationship, is to be open minded and kind. Be open to the other person's opinions or feedback that they may have.  In those they are voicing their needs. You want to meet the needs of your partner in every way you possibly can, as they should want to do with you. When two people are open minded, and are voicing their opinions, their chances of surviving in the relationship are much higher. As long as it is kind, and not argumentative, then it is easy for both people to remain open minded.

Now, I will be the first to admit that I am not a perfect communicator.  I have been working very hard on it this last year.  I've gotten better at communicating, I just need to get better at remaining calm and not argumentative.  I got very defensive in my previous marriage due to the nature of it.  I am getting better with each situation that I come across.

Communication is very important, and I hope anyone who reads this can learn to better communicate with the people in their lives. I realize that I have expressed its importance more than once in this post, but I am that passionate about it.  Say Something.

All my love,
Shae

“Shame is a soul eating emotion.” ~C.G. Jung

When I moved home because of my divorce, I felt a lot of shame.  I felt like I couldn't look people in the eye, because I was afraid of the pity I would see in their faces.  I could imagine them saying, "Oh, there's Shae.  I feel so sorry for her.  She couldn't make her marriage work."  I know that sounds a bit crazy, but that is what was going through my head.  I was especially worried about that when I got back to my home ward, where everyone knew me, and knew my family so well.
To be honest, I almost didn't want to go to church that first Sunday back. I felt so much shame for what had happened that it almost kept me home.  I knew I needed to go, and so I did. Much to my surprise, I only received those "pity glances" from a couple of people that I wasn't very close to.  Most of the people there welcomed me back with open arms, and were excited to see me rather than seeing me differently.  They still saw the same old Shae that they have always known.  Not quite as happy as she once was at that time, but the same girl who loved them.  I am so glad I went that first Sunday.
That moment taught me something wonderful.  It taught me that my divorce wasn't nearly as big of a deal as I was making it out to be.  Why should I feel shame for something that I poured my heart and soul into for 6 years, but it didn't work out the way that I had hoped and dreamed it would.  It worked out the way it needed to.  Why was I making a big deal about what these other people who knew and loved me thought?  I HAVE NO IDEA!!  I truly wish I did know.
Sadly, this shame did carry over to how I interacted with my family.  I felt ashamed that I was back home.  My family is incredibly loving, and they did nothing to make me feel otherwise.  Because I didn't know how I fit back into my family at that point, I was meanest to the people that showed me the most love.  I would run away to friends houses because I felt "safe" rather than learning to deal with the shame. I'm sad that I felt this way, and that I put my family through that.  I'm sorry family.  I really do love you all.  I'm sorry that I was so bad at showing that love when you were so wonderful at showing it to me in my time of need.. I was not my best at the time, and I hope you can forgive me for my mistakes.
I made this post, because no one should feel ashamed because something didn't work out the way it was "supposed" to, like my first marriage didn't work out.  It worked out for the best.  I know that now, because it has been a year since my ex and I separated.  If I had known that I could be this happy a year later, I probably would have handled things a little better than I did before.
Shame can be all consuming, and it is generally self centered.  If you go about doing the things you know you need to be doing, like attending church, or work, or whatever it may be, the shame will go away.  Don't let it consume you.
When you are going through something big like that, I encourage "going home" to where people love you, respect you, and can remind you of the amazing person you forgot you were.  That's what happened with me in attending that ward.  Being around these people reminded me that I am a worthwhile person.  I just needed to tap into that again.

All my love,
Shae

"A grateful person is rich in contentment"

Title quote is by David A. Bednar

Lately,  I have been pondering what it means to be content.

When I looked up the definition of content, it was defined as "in a state of peaceful happiness." That was a bit of an eye opener for me. It's not only being happy, it's being peacefully happy! What a wonderful word!

There have been times in my life where I have been happy, but my life was chaotic at the same time. There have been times where my life was peaceful, but I wasn't happy.

What is the magic formula to be both happy and peaceful?  For me, I have come to learn that is balance. When I keep my chaos to a minimum, leave the unnecessary drama out of my life, and do things and enjoy time with people that are positive and make me happy.   That is when I feel content.

As I have been in this new relationship with Steve, I have found myself very content.  Yes, I still get nervous about things,  and I have worries and hard days, but I still feel content.

This is Steve's definition of contentment

I was on my way there before Steve entered my life I think. I started to realize that even though I love being able to help people, and serve them in the ways they need, I need to take some time for me. I needed to do things that make me happy.  I love to read,  and I am taking the time to read more. I love my job, so I am working a little more now. I love attending the temple, so I am attending more often. Little things like that. It's funny how taking the time to do those little things, makes such a big difference in how I feel in my life.

In my first marriage,  I felt guilty when I would want to read instead of spend time with my ex husband, even though I didn't enjoy what he was doing/watching.  I felt it was my duty to spend time with him, and I started to lose myself.  When I finally started to take some of that time for myself,  my ex would start to get after me and make me feel guilty for taking that time. I didn't know how to be content, and for my ex to be happy at the same time. I think a lot of it is my ex didn't know how happy those small things made me. He just thought I was trying to ignore him, or that I was mad at him.  He didn't understand that I did those things because they made me happy.  They didn't have anything to do with him, or what was going on between us. When I look back at that relationship, it was all about him. I wasn't happy.  There wasn't balance.  When we were in our counseling, I brought some of those things up, and he didn't seem to care that those small things were something I needed.

I have since learned that to be content in or out of a relationship, you need to be able to do things you enjoy, and not feel guilty for it. That's something that is great about Steve. He really understand my interests. We share a lot of things,  and we are starting to share things together that the other had never been exposed to. He doesn't mind that I am a nerdy girl that loves to read! He enjoys books too. Now we are trading book series.

I notice that I am content, because not only does Steve make me happy because he is so fun, he also has taken the time to understand me as a person.  Just today, I had a moment where a friend wanted to spend some time with me this evening at an FHE.(Family Home Evening, in which we spend the evening with friends and family cultivating our relationships with them.)  Since I am doing mine with Steve and his brother tonight instead of with my ward, I invited her along without even consulting him.  I called him after letting him know, and he let me know it was fine, and he loved me for doing it. I'm so lucky and blessed to be his girlfriend.

So contentment comes when you find balance in your life. Seek out the things that make you happy and eliminate the unnecessary drama and worries as much as possible.  That has been my magic formula.  Any other opinions and techniques are welcome!

All my love,
Shae

Love is a giddy thing....

The post title is a quote from Much Ado About Nothing. one of my favorite Shakespearean plays out there.  

Today has been a wonderful! Today the man I am in love with told me he loves me!  From our discussion, we both felt it before now,  but only voiced it today.  He wanted to know for sure that he felt it before he said it, so that is why he waited. I have been thinking about why I waited. I waited out of fear.

Opening up to another man in a romantic way is a scary thing for me. The last time I truly let someone in, it hurt me in ways I never imagined it would. Granted,  because of what I experienced in my last marriage, I am not the same person now. I am much more cautious with my heart now than I was then.  I also know that Steve is not my ex husband. All the same, I was scared.

I have learned over the last couple of years that my heart is big, and I share it easily. Since the divorce finalized, I have been very cautious in the sharing of my big heart.  I don't cope well with loss, and I was afraid that if I let myself love again, I would be setting up myself to lose that person.

Then enters Steven.  I knew that I loved him long before I wanted to say it because I feared he wouldn't feel the same, or that if he left me, I would become a puddle of Shae that wouldn't know how to put herself back together.  He is such a wonderful blessing, and I would never want to jeopardize what I have with him.

I wanted Steven to know how deeply I cared for him,  so I wrote him a letter, explaining how he had changed my heart, how grateful I am that he cares for me, basically everything I felt or could express without saying those 3 magical words.  I show up at his apartment this morning, dressed down, hair pulled back, and a tiny bit of foundation and mascara on.  Basically, I went looking much more naturally than I normally do when I spend time with him.  I handed him the letter, and let him read it, fear coursing through my body wondering how he will react to my feelings for him.

After he read the letter this morning, he started to tell me how he felt, and he said those 3 wonderful words... "I love you." My heart skipped a beat. I could hardly contain my excitement as I said I love you back to him. I also couldn't believe that he said this when I was so dressed down.  I felt so special in that moment that I can't even truly express what I felt.  I am glad that I waited until now to say it. It felt better,  it felt right, and it felt like we were both ready to share that love with each other.  I don't think any other moment before now would have felt so right. 

As I type this post, he is sitting on the couch, playing a game, and just being happy.  I'm happy to spend time with him, even if we aren't necessarily doing the exact same thing together.  To me, that is a sign of a mature love,  a mature relationship, and that we could be amazing together. We did the same thing today.  We went to the grocery store, we went to dinner, we spent some time with his brother, and we watched a movie.  It feels so natural spending time with him. 

I am excited for our future. I am also glad that we are both growing within the relationship. We both are pursuing goals and working on achieving them together!  I can only imagine how we will continue to grow in the future. I hope that it will only continue to bring us closer together, as it already has.  

I am happier than I have been in a very long time. Steve plays a big part in that yes. I am also learning how to be accepting of the love that I deserve.  I hope you all can do that too!  Everyone deserves to be loved so deeply that the words to accurately describe it fail them. I wish that for anyone that may happen upon this.

As I have done in most of my posts, there is a song that has been on my mind in regards to the wonderful man that has entered my life.  The lyrics I feel suit where I am at, and can more easily express how I am feeling.  I hope you enjoy it!

All my love,
Shae

Valentine's Day

I am the luckiest girl in the world!  My boyfriend has spoiled me rotten!
Thursday, we exchanged good morning texts, as we always have, and then he says, "I have a secret!" I pry a little, but I was sure it involved Valentine's Day.  I was thinking it was something along the line of flowers.  Initially I thought maybe they were going to be sent to my work, but nope.  They were sent to my home, and arrived at 5:40 pm! So I was sitting all day waiting for this "secret" to show itself, and had to wait all day! :)  This blue long box arrived, and I received these.

Gorgeous Tulips and Irises. There was a beautiful note as well, making me feel special as he always does.

Valentine's day itself arrives, and I am so excited!  I had gotten him some geeky pieces of art for him to hang around his home.  I was so excited to give it to him!  He arrives to pick me up for our date, and I got to show him the flowers.  Then I gave him his present, and he was super excited!  He had been mentioning that he wanted to decorate, but felt he didn't know how. I'm so glad I could anticipate what he needed/wanted.  I got an awesome hug and kiss for that! 

So, we drive up to his apartment, because we decided we were going to stay in!  He had been talking about and dropping hints about my present for a week or so, so I was excited to see what it was.  He was making it, so I was curious!

He made me a Teddy Bear!  I named it Shasta! (Thanks Gina for the suggestion!) Not only was it a teddy bear, but he had also purchased jewelry for me that had my birthstone in it!  I don't know that I have received a more thoughtful gift in my adult years!  

We then made dinner in, (Steak and green beans) and watched the movie Romantics Anonymous.  It was a French film with subtitles.  We laughed and really enjoyed that.  Shortly before our movie was supposed to end, we get a text from Steve's sister, and so we walked a block to go and visit them, as they were at his brother's place from Tooele. We talked with them and I enjoyed getting to know them better, and see them a little more relaxed around me. We invited them back to Steve's place, to show them my gift to him.  Thankfully they  loved it too.  After they left, we finished our movie, and he brought me home. 

It was such a wonderful night.  It makes me so grateful that I can have a night in like that with him, and even if there is an interruption in the plans, we both go with it and make the best of it.  

A month ago today we decided that we only wanted to date each other.  I believe it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I love the pace of the relationship, and that we can do nothing and enjoy each other's company.  That's a true test in a REAL relationship to me.  Because let's be real here.  Who goes on elaborate dates every night of the week when you are married?  NO ONE!!!  So, with that said, I hope there are many more evenings in with Steve, because I really enjoy his company!

Be Happy my friends!

All my love, 

Shae

Life is good!

Things are going great!  Steve and I have been dating for a little while now, and things are going really well!  We still haven't really run out of things to talk about, we continue to share our likes and interests, and we really enjoy each other's company.

I have decided to start working a little closer to home, so I am working at 2 salons right now.  I'm excited to see where the closer one leads me.

There is a song that comes to mind to explain how I feel lately!  Let me share that with you!  It's by Imagine Dragons, who I love and adore!

All my love,
Shae