Your Children

I need to start this blog post by thanking all of you for the love and support that you have been giving and sending me. I have gotten so many messages and texts and comments all full of love and support over the last 2 days, and I can't thank you all enough for them!  It is so nice that I am not on this journey alone.

This post is going to start with a funny story. (At least it is funny to me.) My walking buddy and I have been friends since elementary school. She is one of my dearest friends, and I feel we have gotten even closer since she had her first little girl, so I am around their family a lot. The day of my last blog post, her hubby had found a bunch of old pictures of their first born, and posted them to Facebook again. I thought it was really sweet, because he is one of those guys that likes to be tough on the outside, but once you get to know him, he's a softy. He loves his kids so much, and is constantly posting pictures of them, so for me, this was just a sweet trip down memory lane.

On our walk today, my friend mentions that she needs to apologize for her hubby. Perplexed, I asked why. She told me it was because he felt bad for posting those pictures on the same day as my results, and that he had felt really bad for a couple of days. This made me feel 2 things.

1. I am grateful that he cares about me enough to think about me and my feelings that way. He doesn't invite many people into his close circle that he cares about, so I am grateful to be one of them.

2. I was sad, because I never want someone to feel bad about loving their children, and sharing things in regards to their children.

This second point is what has led me to posting this blog post tonight. Several people lately have been feeling like they need to tiptoe around me in regards to their children, and I want to clear the air about that right now. YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY TO SHARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS!!! I never want someone to not share something because they are afraid of how it will effect me. Being around kids, and seeing pictures of your sweet little ones helps me stay motivated on my journey. It reminds me that the goal is to be a mommy, and if I need to lose weight to do that, I'm going to do it. I love children, and I always have. I like that I get to be the "bonus aunt" or the "bonus mom" to so many little ones. They are huge blessings in my life. 

You sharing things doesn't make me sad, it keeps me motivated. Please don't think that celebrating your children is ever a bother, or is going to upset me, because it really does just the opposite. I got invited to go to the park with one of my neighbors and her kids today, and I loved it. She kept apologizing for us having to move around, but I really didn't mind at all!  Her kids are sweet, and we had a great time!  I don't mind moving around!  It's good for me! Your children aren't ever and inconvenience. I like having them around. They bring me joy!

Love your children, because I love their little personalities from afar.

All my love,

Shae

The Results Are In

So, I went in and got the blood work done last Thursday to see what is going on exactly with my PCOS.  We needed to see if I was ovulating, and that is what this test was for.
I got the phone call from the office today. I am officially not ovulating. In the moment on the phone with the nurse, I was fine. I asked the follow up questions that I needed to, and hung up the phone. I was at work, and still working on a client at that time. I did great with that. I finished the haircut without getting emotional about it. I cleaned up my station after that, because it was the end of the day, chatted with a co-worker for a moment, and started to feel the swell of emotion coming on.
I went out to my car, and tried to call my husband. He was in a meeting and not able to answer. The tears started to spill over a little at that point. The next person to call, Mom. Once my mom got on the phone, my emotions began to overflow. She asked me how I was doing, and all I could say was that I felt broken. My body isn't doing something as basic as ovulating. I just felt broken. The emotions and tears continued to come out. I wrapped up the phone call with my mom, and started to drive home.
As I was driving home, I began to pray. I started by thanking my Heavenly Father for the many wonderful things that I have been blessed to have, especially my husband. I also thanked Him for giving me the knowledge of what is going on with my body. As I continued to pray, my heart ached for my kids that I know are in heaven, waiting to come down and be part of our family. I asked for the strength and courage to know what I needed to do, and to not hesitate to do it.
As I finished my prayer, my husband called, and I told him what was going on. He was immediately supportive of me, and concerned for how I was feeling and handling the situation. I got home, and took care of a couple things while I waited for his arrival.
Once he walked in the door, the first thing he did was come over, and hug me, and let me continue to cry. He reminded me that I wasn't broken, but this is just part of our journey. We haven't been married a year yet, and we could still be pregnant before we hit our 2 year anniversary at this point as long as things don't get too complicated.
So, where do I go from here you ask? Well, they want to start me on Chlomid, which is a medication to help me ovulate. This medication isn't covered by insurance, and neither are the ultrasounds that you regularly have while you are on it. We have decided it is best to spend the rest of this year focusing on lowering my weight, and getting healthier. Starting next year, we will begin this journey if I haven't started to ovulate on my own.
So for now, I just need cheerleaders, and people to help me keep healthy habits. Am I still sad? Of course. I'm sure I will still cry about this as this continues, but I know that I have my sweet hubby, that no matter what, loves me, and we can do this together!
Thanks for all of the love and support I have been receiving so far!  I hope you will continue to follow me on my weight loss journey and support me there. We will revisit this in January.
All my love,
Shae

The Last Couple of Days.

So, shortly after my last post, I lost it. I broke down, and I was not ok.  I felt like we didn't really get any answers from the doctor, and I was frustrated beyond consoling. My hubby was so sweet, and just let me cry and vent. But, I was still upset. So, I did what I always do, and I got in the car, and drove. I didn't know where I was going to drive to, but I drove.

Next thing I know. I am out in front of a friends house. As I was driving down her street, I hoped she was home, because I hadn't called, Thankfully, she was at home. I go to the door and knock. Her hubby answers the door, could tell something was wrong, and then my friend peeked around and asked me what was wrong. All I could say was, "I'm not ok." and another huge sob came on. She came out and hugged me, and proceeded to invite me in so I could talk more. After talking with her for about a half an hour, I was feeling a little better. With many thanks for disrupting her, I left, and went back home, and was just quiet for the evening as I read all of the sweet messages from friends and family from my last post.

I have to thank you all for that.  I got to sleep cuddled up next to my hubby, knowing that tomorrow would be a new day.

The next day was wonderful!  I started off the day with my friend coming by with her kids, and we went for a walk around the park just down the street. I loved having them come by! Steve was home with me most of the day, so we took it as some rest and relaxation.  We went out to lunch, and then we spent the afternoon at home. That evening, we went to dinner with my family, which was a total blast, and just what I needed. My family and I are really close, and it was nice to see them.

That evening, our neighborhood had an amazing party!  This fireworks show was LEGIT!!!  I thought I was at a professional show!  It was marvelous!  All of our neighbors are so nice, and I got to spend time talking with one of my new friends, who needed to talk just as much as I needed to talk with her. We had a lovely conversation that we both needed to have.   The only downfall to the evening were the 16 mosquito bites I got because I forgot to spray with bug spray before leaving the house. (The curse of living near the beauty of the lake.)  My hubby and I cuddled on the blanket, and watched the fireworks show together. It was bliss.

The 4th was a lovely day. My friend and her kids came again for a walk, and my hubby joined us. We have decided that we are going to make this a regular thing. (If you want to join us, just message me.)  Steve and I had already decided to stay in and watch movies. We didn't need to go and see parades or anything. We just wanted to celebrate by being together. We spent the day watching movies we had never seen, and we really enjoyed the day!  We ended our celebration with a movie out!  We went and saw Inside Out, which was fantastic! A perfect rest and relaxation day.

Today we spent the day focused on rest and relaxation once again, with our normal Sunday routine. I wouldn't trade our Sundays for anything. For me, it is a day of rest, and a day of worship. I have been a bit sad today. I have been feeling very insufficient in many areas of my life today. After a long talk with my hubby, I think I am feeling this way because either I dreamed about being that way, or I am feeling very insecure about what we are going to be taking on in our future. Either way, tomorrow is a new day, and I hope that it starts off well.

All my love,

Shae

The Process Has Begun

Ok, so the infamous visit to the doctor was this afternoon, and so I thought I would come on and share the details.

First things first, I liked this doctor. He made me feel very comfortable, and I felt comfortable asking my list of questions that I had. He was ready for the questions. Sadly, there just aren't magic answers with PCOS, which is the bummer part.

Currently, I have been told to cut down my carb intake, and to eat healthier, in the general sense of eating healthy. Protein good, fat not as good. (Hubby differs, but this is what the doc says for now.) I also need to be doing some sort of work out 6 days a week. I am definitely going to need a workout buddy, or several to make sure this happens for me!

I go back in 1 week to do the lab work to make sure that I am ovulating at all. That is the part that still has me a little nervous. If he doesn't like what he sees in the labs, then I get to go see an endocrinologist. (Sp?)  So, for now, I feel a little better, because we have a better game plan. We will no more after the labs come back.  I am expecting to hear a week from Monday, but it may be Tuesday. We will see, but I have some peace knowing that the process has started.

In the mean time, I NEED WORKOUT BUDDIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All my love,

Shae

I'm starting to lose my mind.....

Tomorrow is a big day.

Tomorrow is the day we start the journey to start our family. We are meeting with a doctor, and I am starting to get nervous. My mind is drifting to all of the negative things I might hear tomorrow. I want to be excited. I want to be hopeful. I want this to work, and for us to know what steps to take. I don't want things to go bad tomorrow. I've been waiting for 6 weeks to get into this doctor, and I just want to go and know how to move forward.

Yes, I know I will get all of those answers tomorrow, and the road probably won't be as easy as either of us would want it to be. (Hubby was cute and hopeful for a honeymoon baby, which would mean that I would be nearing delivery by now.) I'm just thinking that the road is going to be even longer and harder than I already feel it might be.

Right now I am doing what my dad would call "living in the fear zone." We had a conversation about it this last weekend after an incident had me fearful of how people would react to me. I am letting the fear control me, and it is crippling my ability to think rationally. I know that I can't stay fearful, but I don't know how to pull myself away from it.

So, I messaged my mom on Facebook. The cute lady started sending me stickers up the wazoo, and telling me that most days she feels like she is 11 years old!  I have to tell you, it put a smile on my face, and helped me think about something else for a minute.

It's show time tomorrow!  I'm going to go over my questions one more time, and then maybe I will go and take a bath.

All my love,
Shae

Star Gazing

So, tonight was supposed to be a monumental night to watch the stars.  Jupiter and Venus were supposed to cross paths tonight. So, I have been prepping all day for this.  I layed out a blanket in the back yard, and got my drink, and went out to enjoy the evening about 8:40 pm my local time. Well, much to my dismay, there was far too much cloud cover for my hubby and I to get a good look.
But, we didn't let that stop us from enjoying our evening. Instead of looking up at the stars, we looked at the stars in each others eyes, and started talking about some of the changes we are going to be making in our lives over the next little while. We want to be successful, and happy, and healthy.
There are some exciting things coming our way!  We are excited for this adventure! We may not have been able to see what we went outside for tonight, but I feel we got a little closer to each other tonight in what we shared.
All my love,
Shae

Welcome to our home!

Ok, so everyone has been asking for pictures of the house now that we are in it, and have had some time to settle in.  We had our housewarming party this last weekend, and it was wonderful to have our friends and family here to enjoy the house! The kids that came were thoroughly entertained by the water fun in the back yard.

So, here is the grand tour!

 Here is our front door. Eventually we will be painting and replacing it. We feel the window is too big, and there are too many red doors on our street! :)

You walk in, and this is your view.

Off to the left of the front door is a half bath.

On the right, there is a coat closet, then the stairs to the second floor. To the left of the stairs is this little set up, which I am mostly pleased with.  The vintage desk, (which has been in my family many moons,) will be getting a makeover.

Here is our living room!

I am very pleased with the way this room turned out. 

Here is our kitchen.  It is quaint, but it is the perfect size for us right now.

Now, it is time to go upstairs for the rest of the tour!

Off to the left of the staircase is a full bathroom, complete with tub/shower combo.

Outside the bathroom though, we had to geek out a little. The door you see on the left is our spare bedroom right now, which we are currently using as storage, but will hopefully become our nursery. The previous owners painted it this adorable yellow color, and it gives me hope for our future family.

Here is our office, complete with the desk my amazing neighbor built for me!  Thanks again Trevor!

Next on the tour is our loft, which will serve as our library, and in future a play room for the children we hope to bring into this home.

 Last, but not least, we head into the master bedroom.  I didn't take pictures of our master bath. It will be getting a makeover because I want to arrange the closet better, so there are no pictures of that.

Of course, our Kaladin had to get in the pictures and feel involved!  Little guy loves to pose for pictures!

I hope you enjoyed this tour of our home!  There are still some places that need to be decorated, but that comes with time as you are in a home. If you have any questions or suggestions, just leave them in the comments below!

All my love,
Shae

New Adventure Created.... Now What?

So, the initial reason I started this blog was to help other people who had experienced divorce, and to have somewhere to talk about the things that I had been going through during that difficult time in my life.  Yes, I was the one who had the courage to end the relationship, but it wasn't any easier on me.
Since I met my amazing husband, and started this new adventure with him, my blog has really drifted from that. It's been more what we are experiencing as a couple, and the adventure we are on now.  I'm not creating a new one, I am living it.
So, now what?  What is the next step I want to take with this blog, and where do I want it to go? At the point I am at in my life, I don't really experience rear view thinking nearly as much as I used to.  I am looking forward to the continuing adventures that the hubs and I will be having. Our main focus now is finding out what needs to happen for us to start out family. (Outside of the obvious, of course.)
I would love to keep this blog focused on the future for now.  If something crops up from the past, I may need to use this blog as an outlet for that, but for the most part, it will be focused on the future I have with my hubby, and what we are doing with this adventure we call life!
Because of this, I am wanting to change the title of my blog, but I am coming up with NADA!!  I am looking for suggestions!  Please comment with a suggestion for me!  I need to get the ball rolling on this!
All my love,
Shae

Time to make some changes!

Since my last post, I have been doing some research on ways that I should be eating to help with my PCOS. ( For those who are unaware, PCOS is somewhat like diabetes, because it is linked to your insulin levels. That is a very simplified version, but if you want more info, check out WebMD.) In all of my research, it says that eating low carb is the way to go.

I have eaten low carb several times, and I do see results with it.  The diet plan I have had the most success with is Take Shape for Life, (Medifast with coaching.) I lost a significant amount of weight with it, and generally enjoyed it.  After about 40 lbs I stalled out, and started to get bored with the food choices.  I have been considering trying it again, but it is really pricey, and budget is a factor.

In my research, most people have mentioned either eating a Paleo diet, or a Ketogenic Diet. (Paleo is low carb. Ketogenic you don't eat more than 20 grams of carb in a day, so it is far more strict.) As I have been researching the two diets, I think they are doable.  I get to lots of meat, cheese, and veggies that I like. My hubby lost almost 200 lbs on a Ketogenic Diet before we met. Sadly, I derailed him from his efforts, and we are both working on getting healthy again.

Knowing that a Ketogenic Diet has worked well for my hubby has me leaning towards adopting that lifestyle. He would know how to help me get through the plateaus, and he would be doing it with me, so it would be an amazing support. 

Paleo on the other hand would let me have a little more carb, which might feel better in the beginning. I would still be able to cook with Steve, just add something else with mine. 

It can be scary to make these changes, but I know that they need to happen for my future family. I can make changes so that I am able to snuggle little babies and have them look like me and my hubby. It will probably be a few weeks more before I can actually fully start on anything. I will let you know for sure what I decide once I start!

All my love,

Shae

For more info on PCOS, go here: Running With PCOS Her blog is fantastic, and has tons of information.

For more info on Take Shape For Life, go here: TSFL

For more info on Paleo, go here:Beginners Guide to Paleo

For more info on Keto, go here: What is Keto? This is from a fantastic subreddit with tons of info.

The Fear is Real

For those who have known me for a long time, they know a little bit about this.  It isn't something I have talked about a lot on this particular blog,but I feel it is the time in my life where I need to be talking about it again.

I have PCOS.

I was diagnosed within the first year of my first marriage, and that is a scary thing. While I was married to my first husband, I had one early term miscarriage. That's not something most people know, but I feel it is the time to share it. It was after my diagnosis. I had hope that I would still be able to get pregnant, and carry a sweet little baby in my tummy, and have that connection, and be a mommy in the traditional sense of the word.

The rest of my first marriage, there weren't any other miscarriages, and no other indications of pregnancy. I was devastated during my marriage because of it. On top of the other issues we had as a couple, we weren't getting pregnant.

I am grateful now that we didn't have children, because it let both of us get a fresh start in a new life. My sweet hubby and I talked when we were dating, and decided that we would never use birth control,or anything to prevent kids coming into our life, because we are both at a point in our lives where it is something that we want. I still love that he is ready for a family.

We are over 9 months into our marriage now, and nothing has happened. We are both anxious around the time I am supposed to start my period. Any time it goes past when I should start, I am taking a pregnancy test. Every month, we are both sad when it does start.

I am afraid that I will never get to be a mommy in the traditional sense, where I carry the baby in my tummy.  I know I will be a mommy, because my hubby and I have talked about it, and we are both ok with an adoption if we can't conceive on our own. We wouldn't love that child any less. We are just hopeful that we can make it happen on our own first.

I have an appointment set up with a doctor that specializes in PCOS in the next couple of weeks, and I am afraid of bad news. I fear that I haven't taken care of myself in the way that I should have, and that there is no hope left of me being able to do this. I'm turning 30 soon, and I do think that is playing a part in it. Most of my friends are done having children, and I still want my kids to have little friends they can play with!  Maybe that is selfish of me.

Plain and simple, I am scared. I wanted this to happen with no complications. I have this feeling in my gut that I am not going to be so lucky. Any prayers and well wishes are always welcome.

All my love,

Shae

To Vlog, or Not To Vlog...

Alrighty everyone,

Thank you for all of those who have been reading this blog over the last couple of years as I have used it as an outlet to heal, to help others, and to give others hope after going through a divorce. Several people have suggested to me that I should start a youtube channel, or a vlog. I go back and forth about that. Right now, I don't like how I look, and want to drastically change that before I am filming myself for the world to see.  At the same time, I know I am not the only woman out there that looks like this, and that is having the same struggles in life.

I feel that the blog is sufficient for most of my needs. I fear that I am not reaching as wide of an audience base as I would like to, but I am also not doing anything currently to promote this blog other than share it on my Facebook page.

Needless to say, I need some advice in which way I should be taking my story and my future journey.

Steven and I are anxious to start our family, and are somewhat fearful of the road ahead of us. I have a doctors appointment in a couple of weeks to hopefully get some more answers in that regard. I feel that I can help others with sharing my experiences.

My friend Tawny is a light in a dark place. She has Lyme Disease, and started a blog sharing her experiences. I hope that I can do the same thing as her with this blog, or possibly a vlog.

All help is appreciated.

All my love,

Shae

Happy Birthday My Love!

My Dearest Love,

Thank you for inviting me into your world a year and a half ago.  You are such an amazing blessing in my life.  I would hate to think where my life would have gone without you entering it. Thank you for always taking care of me, and looking out for our future kidlets. You are an amazing man, and the most perfect partner I could have ever dreamed to have had. I could gush on and on about you, and I do, very often. For today, I will keep it simple.

I love you, and thank you for choosing me to be your wife.

All my love,

Shae

Motivating Myself

So, since we have been in our house full time, which is about 2 weeks now, I have lost 6 lbs! I am 90% sure that is due to my increased activity, because we now have a staircase. I end up going up and down the stairs a minimum of 5 times a day for one reason or another.
As I realized this, I also realized that this is an opportunity for me to get my health back on track. I was very motivated at the beginning of the year, and as various stresses have been added into my life, my diet has gotten poorer, and my physical activity has dwindled.
When we moved in, I was past my weight earlier in the year, and had officially reached my highest I have ever been. I feel like a giant tub of goo all the time, and that needs to stop.
So, I am putting this out there to help me be more accountable. I am committing to going on a 30 minute walk or bike ride 5 times a week. I am committing to practice yoga, for increased flexibility. I am committing to eating cleaner, and going further away from processes foods. I am committing to taking better care of myself.
My first goal is to lose an additional 8 lbs by July 2nd. This would put me under a weight I was previously embarrassed by. Any motivation and follow up with these goals are welcome, as well as any recipes or additional feedback.
Thanks everyone!
All my love,
Shae

Making a house a home.

So, we are FINALLY in our house, and it is wonderful! We are so blessed to have so many people love us enough to sacrifice their Saturday morning to help us move. Now that we are in the house, there is chaos everywhere! This is a natural biproduct of moving, and I noticed it is overwhelming to me.
Yesterday, my mother and Aunt Beth were there, and they helped me focus, so that I could get the majority of the kitchen unpacked. Bit by bit, the chaos is going away as we unpack, and find a new home for our things.
Over the last while, I have been fretting about where I am going to put all of my decorations around the house, to help it feel like a home. A couple of days before the move, I hung up a few things that I knew where I wanted them. One of them was one of my favorite religious pictures, that I have previously posted about. It is the picture of the Savior appearing to the Lamenites.
This particular copy is old, faded, and the frame is a bit outdated. As people came through the house helping us move, several asked me if that picture had been left by the previous owners. I pointed out it was ours, and they all mentioned how they liked it, and another mentioned it was one of their favorites.
Amid the chaos, a picture of the Savior stood out. That is the kind of home I want to have. A home where people can feel the Spirit, and know what our priorities are amid the chaos.
All my love,
Shae

Motherhood

This week has been focused so much on moms, that I felt I needed to take a moment and post about motherhood.
Motherhood is a divine role, that I feel God intended all women to have. Not everyone is blessed enough to have a child of their own. For those who aren't, they make the best aunts, step-moms, and what I like to call "bonus moms".
I couldn't make this post without talking about a few people in particular.
First, let's start with the mothers of my parents.
Grandma E. is almost 92, and one of my many heroes. She put her dukes up to my hubby when they first met, because she is so protective of me. She makes me smile every time I see her. She takes funny selfies with me, and I am so blessed to get to have her as my grandmother.

Grandma B. is a trooper!  She is a strong woman, and I am glad that I get to be her granddaughter. She is independent, and will always be stronger than she thinks she is. I've learned a lot from her, and I look forward to learning more. I hope with all of my heart that my kids will get to meet these 2 wonderful women, as their husbands have passed.
Aunt Janet is one of my bonus moms. She was my resident nurse, and I can still call her anytime. She never gave birth to a daughter, so I got the blessing of feeling like her daughter. She is such an amazing person, and I love and miss her terribly now that she is away.
I start to get tears in my eyes when I think about my sweet mom. She is such an admirable woman. She is hard working, and loves more deeply than someone could possibly imagine until they spend about 10 minutes with her. She is beautiful, and I love that I look like her. She travels the world, and takes silly pictures, just for her hubby and kids. I love when I get some alone time with her. I always learn so much, and she has amazing taste! I will always be grateful to have a mother that loves me so much, no matter what mistakes I have made. I know that I have had my times in my life where I didn't consider her feelings, and I will always try to make that up to her. She has always protected me, but loved me despite bad decisions. I only hope that I can grow into half the woman that she is, because then I would be doing pretty good.

I am grateful to my sister in law Kimie, who is such a good mommy to my nephews. I am grateful for my sister in law Meagan, who does her best to raise 2 step-sons, and is now finally pregnant with her first boy! I am grateful for my sweet friends, who let me be a bonus aunt to their kids. With my nephews so far away, I don't get many opportunities to spend time with little ones. I am grateful to Carrie, Kristin, and Patty, who let me feel like part of their family, and that I have some extra nieces and nephews.
I have yet to have the opportunity to be a mother to my own children. Being a newlywed, sometimes people forget that I was previously married, so when I have tender feelings about not being pregnant, or not having a child, they forget that I spent 5 years as a married woman, 3 1/2 of those years trying to get pregnant, and start my forever family. There has been an article floating around about "The Woman at the Back", which is one woman's story of infertility, and not being able to be a mother to her own children, but how she was able to find her peace with that. I have been the woman at the back now for more than 4 years, and Mother's Day is always a tough day, especially at church. I don't want to take away from the amazing blessing that Motherhood is. Being entrusted by our Heavenly Father to raise a child is a huge, and wonderful responsibility. I know that being a mother isn't always easy, but I know that every minute of it will be worth it if I am ever blessed enough to get that chance.

Motherhood is a wonderful gift. For all of you moms reading this, I am grateful for you and the wonderful children you are raising. I am also envious of you, and hope to have the same chance.
I hope with all of my heart that you won't take this post as me complaining. I live a wonderful life. I just wanted to shed some light on my feelings.
All my love,
Shae

Change is good... right??

Lately in life, there have been a lot of changes. We are moving, I am going to be going back to full time work in June, and our whole balance in life is shifting. It's really overwhelming to me most of the time. It's funny, because 5 years ago, this wouldn't have phased me at all like it is now. I get much more anxious than I used to, and that is in turn, effecting my ability to deal with changes.
At the beginning of this year, I was going to conquer my weight. As the year has gone on, that goal has been put to the side, due to the other major changes going on. Because of that, I have officially reached my highest weight to date, and I am devastated. I never dreamed I would see that number on the scale standing there. I didn't think I was doing so bad. Once I saw that number, I realized that my once healthy habits, have all flown out the window. I want to do nothing more than sit in a corner and cry about it. I've spent more time crying about it than I want to admit.
Today, I painted over the accent walls that I had painted in our little one bedroom apartment to help it feel like home. Now they are white, and I started crying when I saw it. Today, the fact that my entire world is changing hit me, and it overwhelmed me. All of the changes happening around me are a good thing, but they are still change.
The last time I was leaving an apartment to go to a home, was when I moved out of the apartment my ex husband and I had been living in, and moved home with my parents. I have to wonder if that is the bigger source of my anxiety. I didn't feel any of that leaving my parents house to live with Steve, which I am very grateful for. Maybe it's just a delayed reaction. I don't know what to think or feel.
Everyone says change is good. I have to trust in them. I also need to find a way to change my habits when it comes to my health back to the healthy ones. Financially speaking, we are pretty skint for the next couple of months until we find out where all of the bills are going to land, but I need to make some changes now, or I am going to drive myself crazy. Time to figure out some things.
Thanks for reading this. Sometimes I just need to blog for perspective.
All my love,
Shae

A Pants-less Husband is a Happy Husband.

Now, I know that the title is a bit out there, but hear me out.

Through this whole house buying process Steve and I have been going through, I have been thinking about all of the little things that make him so happy.

Now, this information is common knowledge in our family, but people have to call our house before coming over in the evenings. When he likes to relax, he prefers to not have pants on.  I thought his siblings were kidding about that when Steve and I were dating, but I learned once we were married that they really weren't kidding.

In all honesty, it doesn't bother me. If that's how he wants to relax, and how he is most comfortable, more power to him. Once we have children, that will no longer be an option, so I have chosen to let him enjoy this freedom until our family is growing.

That's just one of the little things that make him happy. Another is having an occasional evening to play video games. I know that there is a stigma with the "gaming" type of person. Steve likes to occasionally unwind with a game, which I feel is completely healthy. If he were spending almost every evening, all evening doing that, then yes, I could see there being an issue. This is a once in a while thing, and I don't mind it. It is how he unwinds.

As I was realizing these simple things made him happy, I realized a small thing that made me happy, and helped me unwind... READING!!!

I have been searching all week for something to unwind and help me relax, and I realized that what I was missing was READING!!! It forces me to put myself in another world, and let the journey of the book take me where it needs to for the story. I can't let my mind wander and think about all of the stresses in my life when I am reading. It is my escape.

Tonight, Steve wanted to game, and so I decided I was going to read a bit. It was magnificent! I was able to put my cares away, and just focus on the book. We both got to wind down in ways that we both desperately needed!  We are nearing the end of the buying process, (Please send all good thoughts, prayers, and vibes our way,) and have been too worked up during parts of this process. Now that we both have found ways to wind down, we need to focus our energies on packing! :)

To my sweet, pants-less hubby, thank you for being patient with me through this process, and for being the wonderful, geeky man that you are. It allows me to be the geeky woman that I am, which is my favorite version of myself. You're the best!

All my love,
Shae

Reality Check

I have noticed lately, that I am stressing about things outside of my control. The reason for that, is that I am experiencing a reality check in what it costs to be a home owner. There are so many cute things I want to do to our home to not only personalize it, but increase its future value. 

I love our future home as in, and could move in and be happy with a couple of inexpensive things for practicality sake. To make it my dream home, it would take thousands and thousands of dollars, because it would include some remodeling, replacing appliances, a possible add on, etc.  It doesn't help that HGTV has been very prominent in my viewing lately. (I have been cutting back on that lately, just an FYI for those who are curious.)

I think the biggest part of it, is that I am excited for our new house, and to truly make it our home. Realizing how much everything I want to do is going to cost was quite a reality check. The object now, is to be better at saving money on every day things, maybe picking up some side work, since I will be going full time at my job in June. (It feels like the right time to add some more days to my salon schedule.) Being excited isn't bad. What it comes down to, is becoming more patient in the fact that it will be a process.

Patience has always been a struggle for me. As I have gotten older, my patience level has gotten better. Granted, I still have a VERY LONG way to go, but it has gotten better. Thankfully, I have a very patient man as my partner for the rest of forever. He helps me learn to be more patient, and to be more practical rather than impulsive. I don't ever see myself not being grateful for him. 

So, my reality check is helping me strive to better compartmentalize the stress of what I want to do, and plan for the things that we want as a couple. We want to have a lovely entertaining space. It will take time for it to be exactly what we want it to be. 

Patience is a virtue I am learning to work on.  I am starting to imagine myself as a tree, growing slowly, but becoming beautiful in the process. Though I still have a ways to go to become a big, beautiful tree, I am blooming each year, and growing stronger each year. 

All my love, 

Shae

So, I've Been Thinking.....

My husband has started to dread when I begin a topic of conversation like the title of this blog. I'm sure glad he loves me! But, let's leave that topic for another day.

I have been thinking a lot lately, and lots of things are changing in our lives. We are buying a house, we are hoping to start our family soon, and I am beginning to truly worry about my future.

In my profession of choice for the time being, retirement doesn't exist really. What am I going to do in 20-30 years when I don't want to do hair anymore and I have no retirement? Let's just face the facts and realize that I will never personally see the social security that I pay. (Don't get me wrong, I am just fine paying it, because I know I am helping someone.) Right now, I have nothing put away for any sort of retirement.

Also with my chosen profession, carpal tunnel is a real possibility. What am I going to do if I can't work for a time because of my hands?

SO MUCH THINKING!!!!

I have been highly considering becoming educated in another way to either create my retirement with a side job, maybe become a business owner? The idea of owning multiple properties isn't particularly appealing, but not completely ruled out. I've also been watching WAY too much HGTV. Interior Design is something that has always silently called to me, but has always been scary at the same time. Real Estate is something that I have also considered.

What this post is mostly about is the fact that I am worried about the future of my family, and being able to spend time with them. I also want to travel the world. So many dreams. I am at a point in my life where I can start to try to make them a reality. I just need to figure out how.

When I figure it out, I will let you know! I know I have been rambling, but I hope it makes some sense.

All my love,
Shae

The First Big Test

Relationships can feel strained for many reasons. At the core, I believe the biggest reason is respect and trust.

My husband and I are in a happy time in our lives, but with that happy time comes a different set of stresses. We are in the process of purchasing our first home! Yay! We are truly excited, and feel blessed! At the same time, we are both feeling a lot of pressure with thr upcoming increase in monthly payments and we are handling it differently. (Sadly, I'm sure that I have sprouted more than a few gray hairs to show for this process.)

My husband sees the $$$ that we are going to have to spend, and wants to halt all purchases until the dust has settled. I see some extra $$$ right now, and am trying to start purchasing some of the bigger things for the house, (furniture, paint, etc..) while we know we have the income. 

Both of us have good intentions, and want to ease the stress on the relationship in different ways. This is our first big test really of how we are going to work together as a couple. There have been heated discussions, but not blow out fights. I am so grateful we don't have blow out fights.

We both listen to the other, and respect that they feel a certain way. For now, no conclusions have been reached, but at least the information has been shared between us.
I have faith that everything will work out. Not only financially, but that my hubby and I will come out of this experience closer and stronger as a couple. There has always been respect and trust between the two of us. I believe that is why we work so well together. Wish us luck on this crazy adventure! 

All my love,
Shae

Personal Growth

Sometimes, personal growth is tough. Though when we are on the other side we appreciate it and understand it, it doesn't make it any easier. I have been pondering lately about the person I was 8 years ago when I was engaged to my first husband.
I am a completely different person now. I have grown in so many ways, and learned so many things. I love the person I am now, but I didn't love the person I was then. I thought that I just needed the love of another person, and life would magically work out. Wow! What a let down it was once I figured it out. I had to love myself before I could experience true love.
My first marriage taught me a lot about being a spouse, and knowing what I need to do to be a good spouse. The biggest thing is compromise. I am still trying to grow in this department right now. When my husband proposes a compromise, I become racked with guilt. I like to see him fully and completely happy. Knowing that he isn't is hard for me. I still have to find the middle ground.
Middle ground to me is the land where we are both happy with the decision. I am still going to try to find that. I have faith we will find it.
So, to myself 8 years ago, thank you for making the choices you did. You have grown, and learned to love yourself.
All my love,
Shae

6 months later...

I can't believe that it has been 6 months since we got married. I still feel incredibly lucky to have gotten a second chance at true love. I honestly had no idea what I was missing out on before. Every day I love this man more than I ever thought I would be capable of loving another human being. 

It's incredible to me how much we have both grown in this marriage. Partnership is an amazing journey, and I am loving every moment of it!  

We are hoping in the next year to start our family, pay off some debt, and buy a home. Thankfully, I have him by my side to accomplish these dreams we have. I couldn't have chosen a better companion for me to take on this adventure.

Yesterday, I had to call my ex about something. Part of me was super nervous to do it. I waited until Steve was home, and he sat with me as I made that phone call. It gave me all the confidence I needed to actually dial the number, instead of putting it off like I had for some time now. 

My hubby held my hand through that phone call, and I wondered why I had put it off. It wasn't that bad. I just believe that I have everything I could possibly need or want with him by my side. 

6 months later, I still know without a shadow of a doubt that I am now married to the person I was always supposed to be married to. I am just so glad he wants to be married to me! 

Love you Steve!

All my love,

Shae

Turning on your Feelings

Sometimes in life, we shut down our feelings for various reasons. Mostly to protect them. We end up shutting everyone and everything out. We don't always do it on purpose, but I have yet to find someone who has never done that.

99% of my life is spent with my heart on my sleeves, and everyone knows exactly what I am feeling. That has mostly been a very rewarding way to live my life. Of course you have more chances of getting hurt because that makes you vulnerable, but that is a risk I haven't ever hesitated to take.

Recently, I came to the realization that I shut my feelings off. I was disconnecting from people in my life. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my previous post. The other parts I think are due to things from my past. I do everything I can to not live in the past, but sometimes it comes back to bite you in the butt. 

So, when I realized that, I made a conscious effort to let myself feel things, and be in the moment. When that happened for me, I was overwhelmed with my feelings. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I began to cry, and couldn't help it. In my experience, turning on my feelings was a good thing. It lets me be present in my life.
All my love,
Shae