Time to Overcome

Adversity is something that I have been thinking about lately. Adversity comes upon us all in many ways, shapes, and forms.
Recently Noelle Pikus-Pace won a silver medal in the Skeleton event at the Olympics. This woman is a wonderful example of surviving adversity.
8 years ago she was hit by a 4 man bobsled in a training accident. She thought her career was over before it ever even really started. Needless to say, she got back into the sport, and with the support of her family, won the silver medal, and did a happy dance on the podium. 

Whatever adversity may be your challenge in your life,  it can be overcome. I believe that we don't go through anything in our lives we couldn't handle. I have had various adversities cross my personal path, and I know that I am a better person now for going through those. I feel that we are given those adversities to help us learn and grow. We are meant to feel joy in this life.  How can we appreciate that joy if we don't have something to compare it to?

If you are in the middle of your adveristy, I feel for you. Don't give up hope. You can do it! You can overcome this adversity, and come out on the other side a better, more loving person. Know that you are loved by more people than you can possibly think of.
There was a moment in my teenage years that I was struggling with adversities. I was crying in my bedroom because I was so overwhelmed. I get a soft knock at the door, and my mom comes in. She has a roll of calculator paper, and a pen. She encouraged me to write down all of the people that love me, and to look at it any time I was feeling overwhelmed, unloved,  or any time that I was feeling down.

As you can see, I still have this calculator tape, and I keep a pen close by. It has been a wonderful tool for me over the years. Looking at the list now, I have no doubt that I am loved by the people in my life, which helps remind me how worthwhile I am.  Recently I have had this list grow longer. I feel that love from others even more because of what I have been through. I am grateful for the people in my life.
Like Noelle, we can all overcome adversity, and become our own role models for ourselves, or families,  and other people we may not even know.
I'm going to end this post with a song, and it is one of my favorites by Imagine Dragons.  It's called "It's Time"  Most of you know it, but truly listen to the lyrics.  It's about beginning again. About taking control of your life, and taking the initiative to make your dreams come true.

All my love,
Shae

Everything is Awesome!!!!!

WARNING: THIS SONG MAY GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD!!!!

Recently, I went and saw The Lego Movie with Steve. (Yes, we love animated movies!) As silly as this little movie is, and how catchy this song is, I learned something from it.  Everything is awesome when we let ourselves look for the awesomeness.  Everyone has bad things that happen to them in their lives.  Whether that be a divorce, death of a loved one, unemployment, whatever the case may be, we all have those moments when we can feel down.
The main character in this movie is an ordinary guy, living an ordinary life, following the instructions, and not feeling like he was noticed, amazing or special.  I know I have had those moments in my life, as I am sure most of you have as well.  As this movie goes on, he is given a mission to save them all from evil.  We also have these moments, where the bad is in our faces, and it is our job to rid us of it.
Sometimes, what makes us special is following the rules, and doing what we are supposed to, rather than going out and seeking to be different.  Why is routine and structure such a bad thing in our world now?  I have to say, that since I got a little more organized, and gained some more structure in my life, it has been much simpler and easy to enjoy.
We aren't always off on grand adventures and quests.  Sometimes it is just surviving every day that leads us to those awesome moments. But, if we are letting the bad consume us, how can we see the awesomeness?
I've noticed that over the last year, I have been continually told that people love my outlook on life, and my attitude towards my personal struggles and obstacles within it.  My parents were pretty phenomenal when they taught me that I should look for the good in my life.  I don't know what makes me different than other people.  I just seek the good.  It keeps my life positive, and happy in general.  Yes, I have bad days, and bad things happen to me.  That doesn't mean that I can't have the glass half full and keep the good things that happen my focus.
I encourage you all to look for the good in your life.  Then you can run around singing this silly song, and truly feeling like your life is awesome.  Because, EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!  Even the struggles we go through can be awesome by the time we are through them. (Generally, they don't feel awesome while we are going through them.  I would never say such a thing!) At the other end of the struggle, when you have the perspective, you can see the awesomeness that your life has become.

All my love,
Shae

"Being Divorced"

What does it mean to be "divorced"?

Does being divorced change how people look at me?

Will someone love me now that I am divorced?

These were questions that I asked myself the first few months after my ex and I weren't living together. I didn't have all of the answers then, but I feel I have some insight now.

Being divorced, I have now found a great number of people that I can relate to that I previously couldn't. I have made some wonderful new friends that I have things in common with now. I am a person that connects pretty deeply with the people that enter my life. I would personally never wish a divorce on anyone unless absolutely necessary in my eyes. It is an awful process and it is an emotional roller coaster like you never could dream until you go through it. Having people that have before you can help you through it. In the moment when I was so lost and didn't know what to do, or what I was feeling,  I would talk with these new friends, and they would help me find myself again. I can never thank those people enough.

I feel now that some people look at me differently now that I am divorced, but generally it's in a positive way. I have been told by multiple people that they hardly recognize me because my countenance has changed. I am happier, I and lighter, and I have a much more positive outlook on life. Some people will never like that I am divorced, and that is ok. The people I want in my life don't care, so that is what matters to me.

I was so scared that I would never find someone that could truly love me because I was divorced. I thought of myself as damaged goods. I thought everyone else would too. I found out while I was in Brazil that I wasn't damaged goods.  Not one bit. I was loved by my family,  and that was all I needed to love myself. I found out that someone could love me, and I deserved to be loved the way that my brother loves my sister in law, who is also divorced. Watching them for over 2 weeks gave me the hope that someone could love me.

I am truly lucky to be so loved, and today I feel lucky to be divorced.  Has it changed me? Yes. Am I glad it changed me? Heck Yes!! We all do hard things every day. My hard things were different than some people, but I am grateful for them now.  I'm in a better place in life than i have been in a long time.

All my love,
Shae

The Balance Beam we call LIFE!

When I was 8, I was taking gymnastics from one of my friends mothers.  The balance beam is about the width of a VHS tape (for those of us who remember what that looks like) and you had to spin, dance, and jump on it.  In the beginning, I would fall off quite a bit.  She had one close to the floor for us to learn on. Having tiny feet, I always felt like I did pretty well with this particular aspect of gymnastics.  I wasn't perfect by any means, and I didn't pursue it to Olympic dreams.  But, it helped me understand that I was strong in my own way, and that if you don't keep your balance, you fall off.

I feel like that is what happened in my life.  I fell off my balance beam.  My marriage began to crumble, and I didn't know how to get back on the same balance beam.  I had to re-learn what balance meant in my life.  I tried a couple of different times to get back on the balance beam, but I would fall off, or get pulled of by something/someone in my life.

So, I had to learn what balance felt like in my life.  Once my marriage ended, and we were living apart, I started to learn what balance felt like.  I was stronger in my religious habits, I wasn't as stressed in my work environment, and I was sleeping better.  I am a woman who needs sleep, or I can be cranky, or say things that I shouldn't.  I started also to take the time to do things that made me feel better, like read books, make cards, and watch silly shows.

I'm still learning what it means to be balanced in my life.  Now that I am in my new relationship, we are both learning what that balance means within our relationship.  We talk about our needs, wants, and desires in the relationship.  We also talk about our fears sometimes.  We need to do that, and keep that communication open. (See post below)  We have been spending tons of time together lately, which is wonderful.  We are just learning how to balance the time we spend together with our hobbies and likes.  We are sharing in those more, and we will continue to do so.

I also am taking the time to enjoy my work, read books, go to movies, sing, and do the things that make me happy.  Balance is an individualized thing.  What balance feels like to me won't be the same thing for Steve, or anyone for that matter.

I love the quote I used at the top.  We have to keep moving to stay balanced.  Albert Einstein wasn't just smart, he was also wise.  When we stop, and wallow in our miseries for too long, our life falls out of balance again.  If we keep moving, then we keep our balance.  I feel that I am a much more balance person, but I am still a work in progress.  True change and growth doesn't happen overnight.  It is step by step, line upon line.

If your life feels out of balance, or like you have fallen off your beam, take a look at your life, and see what you can do to create that balance back.  It will take some time, and some soul searching.  We all feel the pressure to be everything for the people in our lives, but part of balance is making sure we stay sane, and happy.  You can't help others unless you help yourself. Don't be afraid of the journey to find balance.  It is wonderful, and constant.  The journey is half of the fun!

All my love,
Shae

Say Something

                                                                 "Say Something"

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

These particular lyrics I feel sum up a point that I reached in my marriage.  My ex had shut off the communication, built up his walls, and wouldn't let me in.  The first time I heard this song, I bawled my eyes out.  It was the perfect way of expressing what I was feeling at that time, and I hadn't learned how to voice it.

Communication is such a key element in any relationship, whether it be friendship, romantic, or a working relationship.  If both parties aren't willing to communicate, the relationship runs into problems.  If an employee can't talk to their boss when they are struggling, both parties end up unhappy.  If friends hide things from each other, they start to drift apart.  When you shut down the communication with your spouse/significant other, you alienate them, and it strains the relationship to a breaking point.

In my first marriage, I really tried to vocalize my needs.  When we were first married, I read The Five Love Languages, and I encouraged my ex to take the test as well, so I best knew how to meet his needs. His primary love language was Physical Touch, with a close second of Quality Time.  Mine was Words of Affirmation with a close second of Quality Time.  So, we both spoke the love language of Quality Time, and I wasn't opposed to physical affection in any way.  I knew how to show him love.  He struggled showing me the Words of Affirmation (Compliments) form of love, even though it was the one I needed the most. So, I found the pages in the book that showed examples of dates or things to express that love language in the book, marked them for him, and handed him the book directly, and said, "There are some pages in this book that I marked that should give you some ideas on how to help with that." after he had mentioned he didn't know how.  He never read them, and never talked to me about it after that.

This happened on many occasions with him, where I would try to lay everything out on a silver platter for him and I.  I did everything I could to tell him exactly how to share in a life with me.  I was working 2-3 jobs most of my marriage, and in my profession I work most Saturdays.  So, before I would head off to work, I would ask him to do one simple task around the house, like do the laundry, or do the dishes, while I was at work that day. I would come home 6-9 hours later, and it wouldn't be done.  One simple task.  It's not like I was leaving him a giant list of things to do.  It was something simple, and it wouldn't happen.

When we reached that point in our marriage, I didn't feel like his wife anymore.  I felt like his mother. When I tried to voice that to him, he would shut me off, brush it away, and generally leave the house rather than talk to me.

It is so important to communicate your needs.  As long as both parties are willing to listen and communicate their needs, you do better.  The best is when you both implement the others needs and make an effort to do what the other person has asked, or expressed that they needed.

When it comes to HOW to keep the communication open, it varies between every relationship.  There are many different techniques.  The one thing I would say that is universal for every relationship, is to be open minded and kind. Be open to the other person's opinions or feedback that they may have.  In those they are voicing their needs. You want to meet the needs of your partner in every way you possibly can, as they should want to do with you. When two people are open minded, and are voicing their opinions, their chances of surviving in the relationship are much higher. As long as it is kind, and not argumentative, then it is easy for both people to remain open minded.

Now, I will be the first to admit that I am not a perfect communicator.  I have been working very hard on it this last year.  I've gotten better at communicating, I just need to get better at remaining calm and not argumentative.  I got very defensive in my previous marriage due to the nature of it.  I am getting better with each situation that I come across.

Communication is very important, and I hope anyone who reads this can learn to better communicate with the people in their lives. I realize that I have expressed its importance more than once in this post, but I am that passionate about it.  Say Something.

All my love,
Shae

“Shame is a soul eating emotion.” ~C.G. Jung

When I moved home because of my divorce, I felt a lot of shame.  I felt like I couldn't look people in the eye, because I was afraid of the pity I would see in their faces.  I could imagine them saying, "Oh, there's Shae.  I feel so sorry for her.  She couldn't make her marriage work."  I know that sounds a bit crazy, but that is what was going through my head.  I was especially worried about that when I got back to my home ward, where everyone knew me, and knew my family so well.
To be honest, I almost didn't want to go to church that first Sunday back. I felt so much shame for what had happened that it almost kept me home.  I knew I needed to go, and so I did. Much to my surprise, I only received those "pity glances" from a couple of people that I wasn't very close to.  Most of the people there welcomed me back with open arms, and were excited to see me rather than seeing me differently.  They still saw the same old Shae that they have always known.  Not quite as happy as she once was at that time, but the same girl who loved them.  I am so glad I went that first Sunday.
That moment taught me something wonderful.  It taught me that my divorce wasn't nearly as big of a deal as I was making it out to be.  Why should I feel shame for something that I poured my heart and soul into for 6 years, but it didn't work out the way that I had hoped and dreamed it would.  It worked out the way it needed to.  Why was I making a big deal about what these other people who knew and loved me thought?  I HAVE NO IDEA!!  I truly wish I did know.
Sadly, this shame did carry over to how I interacted with my family.  I felt ashamed that I was back home.  My family is incredibly loving, and they did nothing to make me feel otherwise.  Because I didn't know how I fit back into my family at that point, I was meanest to the people that showed me the most love.  I would run away to friends houses because I felt "safe" rather than learning to deal with the shame. I'm sad that I felt this way, and that I put my family through that.  I'm sorry family.  I really do love you all.  I'm sorry that I was so bad at showing that love when you were so wonderful at showing it to me in my time of need.. I was not my best at the time, and I hope you can forgive me for my mistakes.
I made this post, because no one should feel ashamed because something didn't work out the way it was "supposed" to, like my first marriage didn't work out.  It worked out for the best.  I know that now, because it has been a year since my ex and I separated.  If I had known that I could be this happy a year later, I probably would have handled things a little better than I did before.
Shame can be all consuming, and it is generally self centered.  If you go about doing the things you know you need to be doing, like attending church, or work, or whatever it may be, the shame will go away.  Don't let it consume you.
When you are going through something big like that, I encourage "going home" to where people love you, respect you, and can remind you of the amazing person you forgot you were.  That's what happened with me in attending that ward.  Being around these people reminded me that I am a worthwhile person.  I just needed to tap into that again.

All my love,
Shae

"A grateful person is rich in contentment"

Title quote is by David A. Bednar

Lately,  I have been pondering what it means to be content.

When I looked up the definition of content, it was defined as "in a state of peaceful happiness." That was a bit of an eye opener for me. It's not only being happy, it's being peacefully happy! What a wonderful word!

There have been times in my life where I have been happy, but my life was chaotic at the same time. There have been times where my life was peaceful, but I wasn't happy.

What is the magic formula to be both happy and peaceful?  For me, I have come to learn that is balance. When I keep my chaos to a minimum, leave the unnecessary drama out of my life, and do things and enjoy time with people that are positive and make me happy.   That is when I feel content.

As I have been in this new relationship with Steve, I have found myself very content.  Yes, I still get nervous about things,  and I have worries and hard days, but I still feel content.

This is Steve's definition of contentment

I was on my way there before Steve entered my life I think. I started to realize that even though I love being able to help people, and serve them in the ways they need, I need to take some time for me. I needed to do things that make me happy.  I love to read,  and I am taking the time to read more. I love my job, so I am working a little more now. I love attending the temple, so I am attending more often. Little things like that. It's funny how taking the time to do those little things, makes such a big difference in how I feel in my life.

In my first marriage,  I felt guilty when I would want to read instead of spend time with my ex husband, even though I didn't enjoy what he was doing/watching.  I felt it was my duty to spend time with him, and I started to lose myself.  When I finally started to take some of that time for myself,  my ex would start to get after me and make me feel guilty for taking that time. I didn't know how to be content, and for my ex to be happy at the same time. I think a lot of it is my ex didn't know how happy those small things made me. He just thought I was trying to ignore him, or that I was mad at him.  He didn't understand that I did those things because they made me happy.  They didn't have anything to do with him, or what was going on between us. When I look back at that relationship, it was all about him. I wasn't happy.  There wasn't balance.  When we were in our counseling, I brought some of those things up, and he didn't seem to care that those small things were something I needed.

I have since learned that to be content in or out of a relationship, you need to be able to do things you enjoy, and not feel guilty for it. That's something that is great about Steve. He really understand my interests. We share a lot of things,  and we are starting to share things together that the other had never been exposed to. He doesn't mind that I am a nerdy girl that loves to read! He enjoys books too. Now we are trading book series.

I notice that I am content, because not only does Steve make me happy because he is so fun, he also has taken the time to understand me as a person.  Just today, I had a moment where a friend wanted to spend some time with me this evening at an FHE.(Family Home Evening, in which we spend the evening with friends and family cultivating our relationships with them.)  Since I am doing mine with Steve and his brother tonight instead of with my ward, I invited her along without even consulting him.  I called him after letting him know, and he let me know it was fine, and he loved me for doing it. I'm so lucky and blessed to be his girlfriend.

So contentment comes when you find balance in your life. Seek out the things that make you happy and eliminate the unnecessary drama and worries as much as possible.  That has been my magic formula.  Any other opinions and techniques are welcome!

All my love,
Shae